Breaking the Rules

K-pop info and glossary
Shinee: 2008, SM Entertainment
Infinite: 2010, Woollim Entertainment
Name Real name Birth date Role
Sunggyu Kim Sunggyu April 28, 1989 leader, main vocal
Onew Lee Jinki December 14, 1989 leader, lead vocal
Jonghyun Kim Jonghyun April 8, 1990 main vocal
Dongwoo Jang Dongwoo November 22, 1990 main rapper, lead dancer
Woohyun Nam Woohyun February 8, 1991 lead vocal
Hoya Lee Howon March 28, 1991 main dancer, lead rapper
Sungyeol Lee Sungyeol August 27, 1991 sub-vocal
Key Kim Kibum September 23, 1991 lead rapper
Minho Choi Minho December 9, 1991 main rapper
L Kim Myungsoo March 13, 1992 visual, actor
Taemin Lee Taemin July 18, 1993 maknae, dancer
Sungjong Lee Sungjong September 3, 1993 maknae
This story is set around the Golden Disk Awards in January of 2014.
Relevant video here.  Jonghyun speaks to someone behind Hoya, but if you watch it as if he speaks directly to Hoya, instead, it's more interesting.
I write about men having sex with other men.  You must be eighteen or older to read my fiction.  This site is for consenting, responsible adults only.

            Smiling, eyes bright, Jonghyun gripped Hoya’s hair, pulling his head back.  Wincing, Hoya arched his back, licking his teeth.  He was so turned on, so caught up in the moment, in Jonghyun, that he was panting, his chest rising and falling with each breath.  Eyes glittering, teeth gleaming, Jonghyun forced his head back farther, nails scratching his scalp just enough to make him shiver with not-quite-pain.

            “You’re so.  Fucking.  Hot,” Jonghyun said, so close their noses brushed.  Jonghyun feinted a kiss at his mouth, feinted a bite to his jaw, and then chuckled, a sensual, musical sound that relaxed Hoya just enough to make the strain between his shoulder blades easier to take.  “I love you like this.”  Jonghyun’s other hand rose to the side of his face, fingertips dragging downward along Hoya’s cheek, nails catching at Hoya’s jawline.  “Mmm.”  A low, happy hum of contentment turned speculative as Jonghyun’s gaze raked downward.  Assessing, approving, he studied Hoya’s naked, bound body as if debating what to do with it.

            Hoya had a few ideas about that, himself.  On his knees with his arms tied behind him and his hair in Jonghyun’s tight grip, he didn’t have a lot of mobility, but he did lick his lips and spread his thighs, rocking his hips forward.  His erect, bloated cock bobbed as he moved, drops of precum oozing down the shaft, and he grunted with pleasure as Jonghyun’s hand gripped the back of his neck, rubbed the side of his neck, slid down his bare chest.

            “Do you want to fuck me?” Jonghyun asked, fingertip circling Hoya’s right nipple.  “Do you want me to fuck you?”  He ran his thumb over Hoya’s left nipple, then pinched it, hard, hard enough to send a shock of pain and a jolt of pleasure through Hoya’s body.

            “Yes, yes.”  Moaning, Hoya swayed forward, and Jonghyun kissed him, sucking hard on his tongue, shoving him backward.  He fell back on his bound arms, but the discomfort was secondary to the pleasure of Jonghyun’s kiss, the lewd hunger in the way Jonghyun bit at his mouth.  Unable to use his arms, to touch with his hands, he used his legs instead, trying to catch Jonghyun’s wily, muscular body between his thighs.

            “Gonna fuck you,” Jonghyun breathed, kissing him and then looking into his eyes so close that all he could see was the brown of Jonghyun’s eyes, the thickness of lashes, the black of smudged eyeliner.  “Tell hyung how much you want it.  Tell me how hard you’re going to come when I’m hammering your ass wide open.”

            “Unh, yes, do it,” Hoya panted, clamping Jonghyun’s waist between his thighs.  “Fuck me, please, fuck me.  I’ll come so hard-”

            “So hard,” Jonghyun whispered, relishing it.

            “-so hard,” Hoya repeated.  “Fuck me, hyung, do it now.”

            “Yeah,” Jonghyun breathed, kissing him, lips soft against his mouth, teeth sharp and hard as they nipped at him.  “Yeah, now.”

            Hoya knew that Shinee would be at the Golden Disk Awards.  He did what he always did when he knew that Jonghyun was nearby, did what he always told himself not to do but couldn’t stop himself from anyway: kept an eye out, kept his ears pricked, stayed on the alert for the sound of Jonghyun’s voice.

            He did hear Jonghyun’s laughter once, and he glanced into the hallway.  Glanced naturally, casually, just a peek.  He saw Jonghyun’s back, saw Baekhyun and Chen’s smiling faces.  He faded back into the dressing room and closed the door and didn’t look again.

            At the end of the show, they were all herded onto the stage.  He ended up so close to Jonghyun that they could have touched, if they’d wanted.  He wanted.  But they were in public, and cameras were running, and Jonghyun had other friends, other people to talk to, so Hoya just stood there behind Woohyun and Key and pretended to care about whatever acceptance speech EXO was giving.

            And then Jonghyun turned around.  “Hey.  I’m sorry that I didn’t get back to you.  We’ve been so busy.  You’ve been busy too, right?”

            Hoya had no idea what to do with his face.  Here?  They were doing this here?  Jonghyun was making excuses and brushing him off onstage during an awards ceremony?  The acceptance speech was still going on, and on the off-chance that the TV cameras weren’t catching them, the fancams would.

            “You know how it is, right?  Maybe we can meet sometime when we’re not so busy,” Jonghyun was saying.  “Call me in a week or two, okay?  Great to see you.  Congratulations on your award!”

            Right.  Busy.  A week or two.  Congratulations.  Jonghyun’s words swimming around in the thick soup of his mind, Hoya tried to breathe through it, tried to look normal.  He couldn’t even begin to reply, and there wouldn’t be any point to it, now.  Jonghyun had turned away, was speaking with someone else, but the image of him was burned into Hoya’s brain: the way his blond hair fell across his forehead, his glossy pink mouth, the sharp spike of his earring.

            The jackass.  He’d caught Hoya at a moment when Hoya couldn’t respond.  When Hoya had to stand there and take it.  When there was no opportunity to-




            It was like so many other times.  He couldn’t tell if Jonghyun was deliberately fucking with him - - deliberately being an asshole - - or just completely oblivious to the circumstances.

            Had Jonghyun chosen this moment on purpose, with care, because Hoya was trapped and couldn’t respond?  Or was he really so oblivious to the situation, so oblivious to the consequences of his behavior, so oblivious to Hoya’s feelings, that he didn’t think anything of it?

            Did he break Hoya’s heart over and over for fun?  Or did he just not care enough to be kind?  Did he just not know Hoya well enough to be considerate?  Was he cruel or insensitive?  Which was worse?

            “Don’t worry about it,” Woohyun murmured.  “It’s just hyung, he’s always like that.”

            Yeah.  Yeah, it was true.  Jonghyun was flirtatious when he wanted to be, aggressive when he felt like it, sexually intense when the mood struck him.  But it was all for play, all for fun, and when it was over he expected everyone to deal with it, to let things go back to normal.  He toyed with people because he could, and he pushed boundaries to see how much he could get away with, but he didn’t like for people to take it seriously.  He didn’t like for people to hold him responsible.

            Hoya had only gotten this far with him by staying submissive, by playing along, by doing whatever Jonghyun found convenient.  He was ready for sex when Jonghyun was horny; he was ready to laugh when Jonghyun wanted fun; he stayed nonchalant when Jonghyun just wanted to be casual friends.

            But he’d broken the rules lately.  Called too often.  Texted too often.  And when Jonghyun hadn’t answered his calls, hadn’t texted him back, he hadn’t let it go.  He hadn’t backed off like he was supposed to.  He’d kept calling, kept texting.  Did he seem needy?  Damn it, he was needy.  He needed Jonghyun, and Jonghyun had done this to him, had made him like this, had flirted and seduced, had toyed with him and fucked him and made him feel so good, so sexy, so wanted.  Jonghyun had made him feel special.  “I want you, I need you, just you, there’s something about you I can’t get anywhere else,” had been all over Jonghyun’s face, vibrating in Jonghyun’s voice, sinking through him with every touch.  And he’d fallen for it.

            But Jonghyun was like that with everyone.  It was his way of getting along with people.  He didn’t mean anything by it.  That was hard to learn, hard to remember, when he was laughing so happily and his eyes were shining and he was practically humming with sexual energy, and all of it was directed at Hoya, for Hoya, like in that moment Hoya was the only one in the room who mattered.  But the fact that Hoya took it so seriously, so personally, didn’t mean that it was serious or personal at all.

            It didn’t matter that it meant everything to Hoya.  What mattered was that it meant nothing to Jonghyun.

            As soon as they were back in their street clothes, Key was in their dressing room with his arm around Woohyun.  “Tell Sunggyu hyung good-bye, I’m stealing you away.”

            “Bye,” Sunggyu said cheerfully, pushing Woohyun toward the door.

            “Going out?” Hoya asked, trying to sound like he didn’t really care.

            “Yeah, we’re going to the safe house,” Key said.  “EXO gets a night off for their win, and we get to help them celebrate.”  SM had a few private places where their idols could relax without being monitored, so that they could get drunk and get laid without causing massive scandals.  Key hesitated, looking at Hoya as Woohyun dragged him toward the door.  “Want to come?”

            Yes.  Yes, yes, fucking yes.  “Ah, yeah, sure,” Hoya said carelessly.  “Nothing better to do, right?”

            He wasn’t dressed for a party, but he wasn’t going for a party.  He was going for Jonghyun.

            Key took them to a private home.  It was one story, the windows covered, shades drawn.  Inside, EXO was laughing and drinking and dancing with Shinee.  Kai and Taemin were making out on the couch like they had no idea anyone else was in the room.  Jonghyun, in jeans and a white tank top, was laughing and kissing Baekhyun’s ear.

            Key grabbed a bottle of champagne in one hand and Woohyun in the other and disappeared into one of the bedrooms.

            Left on his own basically crashing an SM party, Hoya wandered around for a while doing his best impression of someone ignoring Jonghyun.  He talked to Minho, drank champagne, danced with Lay, drank soju, and turned down a thinly veiled offer to join Luhan and Xiumin for sex.  Then he drank some more soju and watched Jonghyun flirt with Baekhyun and wondered if he should’ve just said yes to Luhan and Xiumin.

            “He’s so stupid, isn’t he?” Onew asked.

            “Ah?”  Hoya was pretty sure that he and Onew hadn’t been talking, but they seemed to be mid-conversation already.

            “Jonghyun.  So stupid.”  Onew leaned beside him on the wall, fly open, neck marked with pink lip gloss.  “Someone should do to him what he’s always doing to them.”  Onew squinted.  “What’s it called?”

            “What’s what called?” Hoya asked.  He was distracted from the conversation by Jonghyun, who was now shirtless and in Baekhyun’s lap.

            Onew snapped his fingers.  “Turn the tables!  Turn the tables,” he repeated, sounding very satisfied.  “I thought that Key would do it, but he gave up.  I don’t blame him.”  Onew’s sigh was wistful and full of regrets.  “I wish someone would do it.  Rattle him, keep him hopping instead of the other way around.  Shake him up.”

            “Mmm.”  It was a nice idea.  An interesting fantasy.  But Hoya wasn’t that kind of guy.  Wasn’t the kind of guy who seduced people into following his whims.  And there was no way that he could do that to Jonghyun, who knew everything he had to offer and - - fuck, it hurt to admit this - - didn’t seem interested anymore.  Fuck.

            For a moment, Hoya thought about just walking away and going back to the dorm.  He needed to sink into his bed and listen to Usher and absorb the fact that he - - that Jonghyun - - that it was over, that there was no future between them, that Jonghyun was never going to all of a sudden appreciate him or get excited about him or want him to the exclusion of all others.

            They’d had fun together.  They were finished having fun together.  That was all it had been; that was all it ever would be.

            It hurt so badly that he couldn’t face the lonely ride back to the dorm.  So he danced.  He danced with Lay and he danced with Minho and he closed his eyes and danced by himself.  He danced all night, because as long as he kept moving, as long as his body stayed in the music, it didn’t hurt so much.  He kept his focus away from his mind, kept it centered in his body, in movement, in rhythm; he didn’t think.  He just danced.

            And then he and Lay went into one of the bedrooms and he moved to a different rhythm.  It was nothing like it was with Jonghyun, but he didn’t think about that; he stayed in the moment, focused on his own body, on Lay’s body, on the pleasure pulsing through his veins.

            Two days later, Hoya was in the dorm, coming out of the shower, when Woohyun handed him a towel and asked, “What’d you do with Lay?”

            “Lay?”  He’d been kind of drunk at the time, but, “Sex.  Why?  Do you need details?”  He started toweling his hair.  “That’s kind of embarrassing, Woohyun, don’t you have your own sex life?”

            “Jonghyun hyung’s freaking out,” Woohyun said.

            Those were the most beautiful words Hoya had ever heard.  “What?” he asked, lowering the towel from his hair.  He needed to hear it again.

            “Jonghyun hyung is freaking out.”  It sounded just as amazing the second time.  “Why are you smiling like that?” Woohyun asked, laughing.

            “No reason,” he said, still smiling.  “What happened?”

            “Jonghyun hyung thought that you had sex with Lay to get back at him or to get his attention or something stupid.  Taemin told Lay, and Lay said he didn’t think so.  He said that he didn’t even know that you and Jonghyun hyung were close.  Jonghyun hyung said, ‘Oh, you didn’t know?  He didn’t tell you?’  Lay said that you didn’t even mention Jonghyun hyung once, before or during or after.  Now Jonghyun hyung is pissed off that you had sex with some hoobae right in front of him like he’s nobody to you.”

            It was so stupid and so petty and so foolish and so immature, Hoya thought it was the second-best thing he’d ever heard.  It sounded like Jonghyun was…

            Jonghyun was…

            Jonghyun was jealous.

            Jonghyun was-

            -was it possible-


            “That asshole,” Hoya said happily.

            “Are you going to go out with Lay?” Woohyun asked.  “Make Jonghyun hyung jealous?”

            “No,” he said, drying his chest and thinking about it.  He hadn’t had a plan before; his only idea had been to take a break from the pain, to forget about Jonghyun, to ignore the situation.  If he’d tried to make Jonghyun jealous, he would have been too obvious about it and it wouldn’t have worked.  If he tried to make Jonghyun jealous now, it would still be too obvious and it still wouldn’t work.

            The only shot he had at getting to Jonghyun was not to care.  Not to be affected.

            How was he going to pretend not to care, when he cared so much?  He couldn’t spend all of his time drinking and dancing away the pain.

            He spent his free time drinking and dancing, anyway.  He went out with Feeldog and Baram.  He didn’t post any “ha ha I’m having such a great time see what a great time I’m having” photos on-line, but Feeldog did, and Hoya hoped that they’d reach Jonghyun.  He went out with Dongwoo and Sungjong and went as far as he could in public without causing a scandal - - which was really pretty far.  He and Sungyeol and L met up with C.A.P and Niel and Chunji and L.Joe.

            L.Joe tweeted two photos: one of himself and Hoya, one of the group while Chunji was in Hoya’s lap.

            Hoya didn’t typically go out so often, but he’d always danced with his friends.  He’d always gotten off with Feeldog and Baram.  He’d always enjoyed flirting with Chunji and he’d always liked hanging out with L.Joe.  He couldn’t make himself forget about Jonghyun, couldn’t stop the yearning and the frustration and the hurt, but he wasn’t wildly flinging himself into anything new, either.  He was just trying to have a good enough time to dull the pain.

            According to Woohyun and Key, Jonghyun was beside himself.  Jonghyun was sure that this was all about him and simultaneously afraid that it wasn’t.  Sure that Hoya was trying to send him a message and simultaneously worried that Hoya had moved on.  When Key asked, “Moved on?  Moved on from what?  He wasn’t your boyfriend, there was no relationship,” Jonghyun stammered nervously and only got more upset.

            Hoya met Xiumin and Luhan for a soccer date.  Woohyun and Sehun joined them, and when they needed a sixth, Minho came at the last minute.  After they played, they went back to EXO’s dorm, and when Xiumin suggested that they take a shower, Woohyun agreed with such a knowing look that Sehun burst into laughter.

            The only person Hoya had ever had sex with in the shower, besides his members, was Jonghyun.  For a moment, he missed Jonghyun so much he almost couldn’t go through with it.  His dick wouldn’t cooperate and his heart was bruised.  But his dick started participating when Luhan began fondling it, and by the time Minho was fucking him from behind while Xiumin swallowed his cock, he was wholeheartedly into it.

            “Fuck,” Minho groaned, cock slipping out of him, hands still tight on his hips.  “So that’s what he sees in you.”

            “What?” Hoya asked breathlessly, sliding his hand through Xiumin’s wet hair and trying to stay on his feet.

            “Jonghyun hyung.”  Minho’s hand rubbed over Hoya’s chest while Xiumin’s lips rode the length of his erection.  “He told me how well you take a good, hard dicking.”

            For a moment, Hoya’s emotions tilted so wildly he felt disoriented, like the walls of the bathroom were collapsing and expanding at the same time.  He was turned on and he was hurt and he was frustrated and he was spooked and he was coming, all at once, and he felt hot with anger and cold with loneliness, and he just sank down onto his knees and kissed Xiumin so he’d have someone to hold onto, someone to hold him back.

            He couldn’t sleep that night.  He wandered around the dorm in the dark, and he practiced choreography, and he sat on his bed and listened to Usher, and he went on-line and watched clips of Jonghyun walking down the street waving to fans.  He was sitting on the kitchen floor with water leaking out of his eyes when Sunggyu walked in and sat beside him.

            Sunggyu put an arm around him.

            He sniffed and wiped at his cheeks.

            “Not sleeping?”

            He cleared his throat and pretended to find the walls really interesting.

            “Talk to hyung so I can go back to sleep.”

            Hoya laughed.  It came out sounding awkward and rusty, but he felt better for it.

            Sunggyu’s arm tightened reassuringly around him.

            “Do I ever talk about Jonghyun hyung?”

            “Sometimes.  All of the time.”

            “What…  What do I say?  What kinds of things?”

            “Jonghyun said this, Jonghyun said that, will he be here, will he be there.  He’s so funny, he’s so fun, he’s so great to be around.”

            Hoya nodded, swallowing.  He rubbed his hands together.  Licked his lips.  Said it out loud.  “I don’t think that he says those things about me.  I don’t think that he thinks about me that way.”

            “Why?  What would he think about?”

            He swallowed again.  Looked down.  Took a deep breath, let it out.  “I think that he likes the sex.  I think that’s what he notices and remembers.  What I’m like in bed.”

            Sunggyu made a thoughtful sound.

            Hoya didn’t want to feel sorry for himself anymore.  He tried not to think about it.  He closed his eyes and reviewed choreography.

            “I don’t know.  I don’t think that you’re good enough in bed for it to be like that,” Sunggyu said.

            What?!  Hoya’s eyes shot open.

            “Don’t take it like that!” Sunggyu protested, laughing.  “You’re good!  It’s nice!  But, ‘Oh, Hoya, ah, he’s the best,’ no.  It’s not like that.”

            The only thing Jonghyun cared about was sex, and he wasn’t even good at that?!  “I hate you,” Hoya said, shoving Sunggyu aside and getting up.

            “Hoya, Hoya, no,” Sunggyu objected, trying to drag him back down.  “Ya!  Come here!”  With a rough jerk, Sunggyu yanked at him hard enough to unbalance him, and he landed with an “oof” in Sunggyu’s lap.  “Stay,” Sunggyu ordered.

            “You’re not great, either,” Hoya told him.

            “I’m phenomenal,” Sunggyu said.  “Why are you sitting here in the dark worrying about Jonghyun?  Talk to him about it.  Ask him if he likes you.  Maybe he does.  Maybe he doesn’t.  Maybe he wants to give you a chance.  Maybe he doesn’t.  Maybe he likes you but doesn’t want a boyfriend.  Maybe he wants a boyfriend but doesn’t want it to be you.  You can sit around trying to figure it out from the kitchen floor, or you can ask him.  Act like an adult, be direct with him.”

            “I’m not acting like a child.”

            “Woohyun said that you had sex with Minho and threw up.”

            “That was hours apart!”

            “Listen to hyung,” Sunggyu ordered.  “Either talk to Jonghyun about it, or I don’t want to hear anything about this again.  Handle it like an adult or drop it.”

            Hoya couldn’t think about facing Jonghyun when he felt raw and humiliated like this.  To avoid the idea, he turned to something else.  “You think that I’m bad at sex?”

            “I love fucking you,” Sunggyu said.  “But it’s not what I think of first when I think of you.”  Sunggyu’s hand squeezed the back of his neck.  “Do you want to sleep with me tonight?”

            Better than being alone.  “Yeah.”  Closing his eyes, he exhaled, relaxing against Sunggyu’s shoulder.  He wondered if Jonghyun had thought about him that day.  He wondered if Jonghyun missed him at all.  Missed fucking him, at least?  “He thinks that I’m a good bottom.  Good at taking it.”  What had happened between him and Jonghyun, sexually, had seemed special and private, a secret treasure.  He’d wanted to talk about it with someone, but it had seemed like talking it over might tarnish it, like it was something precious he should protect.  It was embarrassing, how emotional he was over Jonghyun, how romantic he tried to make everything in his mind.  There was nothing between them but a few nights of getting off together.  They’d never even dated, not unless going out together with Key and Woohyun counted as dating.  He’d turned a little bit of meaningless nothing into the biggest romance of his life.  It was humiliating.

            “Is that part of what he thinks of you?” Sunggyu asked.  “Or is that all he thinks of you?”

            “I don’t know.”  He was afraid to find out.

            They were sharing the dressing room with two other groups, and it was crowded.  Hoya walked until he found an empty stretch of hallway and practiced choreography there.  He didn’t want to sweat before he got onstage, so he went slowly, just sketching out the moves.  His mind was blank; he felt calm for the first time in a while.

            “Looks good.”

            He didn’t have to look up to see who had spoken.  He’d know Jonghyun’s voice anywhere.  Coming to a stop, he said the first thing which flitted across his thoughts.  “You sound nervous.”

            Jonghyun laughed.  That sounded nervous, too.  “We haven’t talked lately.”

            “Ah.”  Licking his lips, Hoya finally glanced up.  Jonghyun was as gorgeous as ever.  It hurt, and it felt good, to look.  His make-up was subtle, his blond hair falling into his eyes; he was smiling in a “please like me” way that made Hoya love him more and also kind of hate him.

            “You’ve been busy.”

            “Lots of festivals for the new year.”

            Jonghyun’s smile tightened.  “Lots of fucking other guys.”

            Hoya froze, then hurriedly looked around.  No one was in earshot - - at least not that he could tell - - and he grabbed Jonghyun, pulling and shoving Jonghyun farther down the hallway.  Finding an empty dressing room, he practically dove inside, yanking Jonghyun in and locking the door.  “Are you stupid?!”

            “Who aren’t you fucking?” Jonghyun demanded.

            “We’re in public!  Are you trying to get caught?!”

            “Your members, my members, SM hoobaes-”

            “We can’t talk about this here!  Stop talking about it!”

            “-Bigstar, Teen Top - - was it Chunji and L.Joe, both, or just one?  Took them at the same time?”

            “You’re jealous?”  Hoya couldn’t believe it.  He was probably hallucinating.  “How can you be jealous?  You don’t even like me!”

            “Don’t like you?” Jonghyun repeated.  “You fucked Lay in my face!”

            “We can’t talk about this here!” Hoya shouted.  Shit, at least they had to stop yelling.  “It wasn’t in your face,” he whispered.  “It just happened.”

            Jonghyun was coming closer, and Hoya’s heart pounded faster with every step.  “Just happened?” Jonghyun whispered, eyes widening.  “You just happened to fuck Lay right in front of me in my favorite position?”

            “It - - what position?”  Their sexual history rolled past Hoya in a blur, and he shuddered at the heat of his memories.  He remembered being on his back with Jonghyun over him, remembered Jonghyun fucking him from behind, remembered being tied to the foot of the bed.

            “You were sitting up and he was in your lap!  Where I sit!”

            Hoya shuddered again, burned by the vivid memory of it, of Jonghyun settling into his lap, settling onto his cock, his erection buried in the heat of Jonghyun’s ass as Jonghyun rode him.  He couldn’t stand the way Jonghyun was looking at him, miserable and frustrated, hurt and angry, pleading and confused.  “It wasn’t on purpose, I wasn’t thinking about that.”  He hated himself for explaining; he hadn’t done anything wrong.  How many times had Jonghyun had sex with other people and never felt the need to say a word about it to him?  How many times had Jonghyun had sex with other people and deliberately mentioned it to him, described it, teased him with it?  Wait, wait, “How do you know?  How do you know what we did, which position?”

            “How could I not?  The door’s open and he’s moaning and you’re making that sound you used to make for me!”

            Door?!  “The door wasn’t open!  Why would the door be open?”

            “You left it open!” Jonghyun shouted.  “You-”

            Clamping his hand over Jonghyun’s mouth, Hoya stared at him.  “Hyung!  Stop yelling!”  It couldn’t be right, he couldn’t have done that.  But he’d been drunk and upset, and he didn’t remember the door being shut.  Oh, shit, he’d had sex with the door open?!  In front of everybody?!  “Did everyone see?”  Had all of EXO watched him giving it to Lay?

            “Are you proud?” Jonghyun demanded.  “Are you happy?  It was all they could talk about, your body, your - - the way you - - fuck, fuck.”  Jonghyun pushed him away and walked across the room, turned in a circle, walked back.

            “I didn’t know!  It wasn’t on purpose.”  Hoya blinked, narrowed his eyes.  Jonghyun sat heavily on the couch, head down.  “Why do you care?  You don’t care.”

            Jonghyun laughed, sitting back and staring at Hoya with disbelieving eyes.  “Joking?  You’re joking?  Is this a joke?  I don’t care?  Is that a joke?”

            Hoya couldn’t take this emotional whirlwind, and he was still thrown off-balance by the revelation that he might have had sex in front of a dozen people he hadn’t even known were watching.  He sat on the floor, began to run his hand through his hair, realized that the stylist would kill him, and looked at Jonghyun.  He had to whisper and he didn’t feel like moving.  He was tired of contorting himself into knots over Jonghyun, tired of always being the one to make the effort, tired of trying to figure out what would make Jonghyun happy or make Jonghyun want him or get Jonghyun’s attention.  “Come here.”

            Jonghyun blinked at him and then moved, sliding off of the couch.  “Is that how it is?  You tell hyung what do to now?” Jonghyun asked, sitting in front of him.

            He’d never given Jonghyun an order before, not outside of the “fuck me, fuck me” of sex.  He’d never dared.  He’d never pushed Jonghyun around before, either.  Their relationship was shifting around him, the balance uncertain.  Relationship?  Did they have one?  “Do you like me?”

            Jonghyun gave him a hopeful, wondering look.  “Do you like me?”

            “Don’t play stupid.  You know I do.”

            Jonghyun’s hand settled along his jaw, and his heart jerked in his chest, his emotions knotting and then expanding painfully.  Love and hope and desire filled him, and breath shook out of him as Jonghyun stroked his cheekbone.

            “Hyung,” he whispered, love thickening his voice.  Jonghyun leaned in, lashes lowering, and his breath caught in his throat.  Oh, god, he loved Jonghyun - - they couldn’t do this here - - Jonghyun was going to kiss him - - they couldn’t get caught like this - - the soft, tender way Jonghyun’s lips brushed his made him hot with love, with lust.  “We can’t.”

            “I need to,” Jonghyun whispered, kissing him again.

            Ungh, yes, he needed it, too.  Moaning, he parted his lips, sliding his hands up Jonghyun’s sides as Jonghyun turned aggressive.  Jonghyun’s muscular body, Jonghyun’s soft lips and quick teeth, Jonghyun’s hand twisting his hair and pulling his head back, it was everything he’d missed, everything he’d suffered without, and he moaned again, leaning back on one hand for balance as his back arched.  Groaning, Jonghyun sucked hard on his tongue, sliding into his lap, and he wrapped his free arm around Jonghyun, needing to be close.

            Undoing his own buttons with one hand, Jonghyun pulled open his collar, his shirt, exposing his smooth, muscular chest.  “Kiss me,” he panted, his hand in Hoya’s hair dragging Hoya’s head forward.

            Moaning in lust, Hoya kissed Jonghyun’s skin, so taut, so hot.  He licked downward until his tongue found the tight pebble of a nipple.  Sucking, he heard himself making hungry, animal noises.  He needed this, he needed Jonghyun.  It was never like this with anyone else, never so intense, never so good.

            “Ah, nnn, yes,” Jonghyun moaned.  Still in Hoya’s lap, he leaned back until his shoulders rested against the seat of the sofa, his muscular torso on gorgeous display.  Ravenous for the taste of him, Hoya licked downward eagerly, sucking at his smooth skin, hands stroking his body, opening his shirt further, drawing fabric aside.  “Ahh, I need to fuck you,” Jonghyun whispered, arching, shifting restlessly in his lap, grinding against his hard-on until he groaned in helpless need and nipped at Jonghyun’s skin.  “I’ve been dreaming about it, how it feels, your hot ass spread open for my cock.  I want to fuck you until you can’t take it anymore, until you’re begging me to let you come.  Want to fuck your hot, sexy ass so hard you’ll be leaking my jizz for days.”

            Yes, yes, that was what Hoya wanted, what he was aching for, what he’d been missing.  No one else touched him like this, no one else talked to him like this, no one else wanted him like this.  Moaning, he pushed Jonghyun’s shirt back, baring Jonghyun’s muscular shoulders, and kissed the warm, satiny skin of Jonghyun’s neck, his hands sliding up Jonghyun’s back.  “Hyung,” he whispered, licking softly, lightly at Jonghyun’s earlobe, the way he knew Jonghyun liked it.  “I-”

            “-don’t care what his excuse is!”  The voice came from the hallway, and Hoya froze.  Manager, his manager, Infinite’s manager.  Oh, shit!  As he realized, remembered, where he was and what he was doing and what he was supposed to be doing, his manager added, “When you find him, ask him how he wants to die.”

            “We can’t kill him,” Dongwoo’s voice protested.  “Inspirits love him.”

            “Dead!” their manager shot back.

            “Oh, fuck,” Jonghyun whispered, climbing off of him, pushing at him.  “Go, go!  Go!”

            Scrambling up to his feet, Hoya tugged at his clothes.  His hair was wrecked, but at least his cock had gone soft in his sudden terror.  He stopped short, staring at Jonghyun.  He didn’t want to go, not now, not so abruptly.

            “Go!” Jonghyun insisted, pushing him toward the door.  Jonghyun looked amazing, lip gloss smudged, chest bare, nipples red and wet from Hoya’s mouth.

            Hoya turned to go, then turned back, faltering.  He still didn’t know how things were between them, not really.  He still didn’t know if Jonghyun cared about him or just about how enthusiastically he bent over.  “Hyung.”

            Someone knocked at the door.  “Hello?” Dongwoo asked.

            Hoya shook his head, ignoring that.  “Do you like me?”

            Jonghyun tugged his shirt back into place.  Started buttoning up.  Blushed and looked away in a way that made Hoya’s heart clench with love and hope and misery.

            This was it.  Whatever Jonghyun said would decide things, at least on Hoya’s end.  If Jonghyun didn’t really like him, didn’t really care, he couldn’t keep doing this.  He couldn’t put himself through it.  It would hurt too much to walk away, but it would hurt even more to keep giving his heart to someone who wasn’t interested in it.

            “You know I do,” Jonghyun said, a little shy, a little belligerent, his cheeks pink.  He gave Hoya a challenging look.  “You think I moan like that for everybody?”

            Honestly?  “Yes.”

            Jonghyun laughed, stepping forward and hugging him.  “Okay, but I only mean it when I’m with you.”  Cupping his face in both hands, Jonghyun smiled at him, thumb rubbing along his jaw.  “Come out with us tonight.  I want to see you.”

            He’d never been able to resist that happy, affectionate smile.  It had been too long since he’d been out with Jonghyun, basking in Jonghyun’s energy.  “Okay.”

            Jonghyun kissed him.  “Go.”  A firm push to his chest.  “Inspirit’s waiting for you.”

            They went to a different safe house that night, a smaller one, more crowded this time because the rest of Hoya’s members joined Shinee and EXO for the party.  Jonghyun drank and flirted, laughing at everything and talking too fast, toasting everyone and spinning Baekhyun around the floor.  Hoya loved the way Jonghyun’s energy built, loved how his smile lit up the room, loved how his chatter livened up the party.

            And Hoya loved how, when that energy had been burned off, Jonghyun settled down with him, sitting beside him on the sofa.  Rubbing his arm, rubbing his thigh, Jonghyun talked with him, flirted with Sunggyu, talked with him, laughed with Dongwoo, talked with him, flirted with Kai.  Jonghyun’s smiles were still open but lazier now, satisfied; Jonghyun’s chatter was still cheerful but slower now, relaxed.

            Suho came over to sit with them and Kai started to get up.  “I’ll move,” Jonghyun volunteered, and he straddled Hoya’s lap.  This really was his favorite position; he settled into it all of the time, whether they were having sex or not.  With a soft, humming sound, he gazed into Hoya’s eyes, his fingernails scraping lightly along Hoya’s jaw.  It felt like they were alone, suddenly; felt like the room was fifty degrees hotter.  “I missed you,” Jonghyun murmured.  “I missed you so fucking much.”

            “Bedroom’s over there,” Sunggyu said, reminding Hoya that other people existed somewhere in the vicinity.

            Jonghyun kissed him, and he groaned, loving the insistent aggression of Jonghyun’s tongue, loving the way Jonghyun’s hands slid over his chest.  There was nothing subtle about the way Jonghyun’s hips ground against him, and when Jonghyun pinched his nipple through his shirt, he grunted, wishing that they were naked, wishing that Jonghyun was inside him.  Panting against his mouth, Jonghyun kissed him again, bit at his jaw, twisted his nipple until he winced.  “Stop fucking other people.”

            Someone laughed.  “Okay,” Hoya said, “okay, hyung.”  He stopped kissing back until he had Jonghyun’s attention, until Jonghyun looked at him again, and then he said, “You, too.”

            Jonghyun hesitated, really hesitated, and Hoya grew tense, grew wary, wondered how bad this might get - - and then Jonghyun said, “Okay,” and kissed him again.

            Happiness shot through him, and he wanted to shout and laugh, wanted to celebrate.  He rejoiced by kissing Jonghyun more, by pushing up Jonghyun’s shirt and running his hands over Jonghyun’s hot, muscular body.  It was a commitment, a promise.  There was security here.  He didn’t have to worry, didn’t have to wonder, didn’t have to share.

            “Bedroom,” Sunggyu said again.  “With a bed.  And a door.”

            “A door you can close,” someone added, and someone else laughed.

            Hoya would leave the couch as soon as Jonghyun did, but until then he’d keep stroking Jonghyun’s skin and kissing Jonghyun’s neck while Jonghyun rocked against his hard-on and moaned in his ear.  “Ah, I can’t wait,” Jonghyun groaned.  “Gonna fuck you wide open.”

            “Okay, bedroom!” Onew exclaimed.

            Suddenly, Jonghyun broke away a little, frowning.  “Can I still fuck my members?”

            “Shinee?” Hoya asked.  It was really, really difficult to make any kind of decision when his cock was this hard and Jonghyun was in his lap and he was sweating from Jonghyun’s heat.  “Can I fuck my members?”

            “Yes,” Jonghyun said.  “Deal?”

            “Deal,” he agreed.

            Jonghyun smiled at Hoya, a bright, happy smile, eyes aglow.  “Come on.”  Hopping up, Jonghyun pulled his shirt off and grabbed Hoya’s hand, tugging.  “I’m so hot for your ass I’m about to cream my pants.”

            “Ugh, hyung, why do you talk like this?” Key asked.

            “You like it,” Jonghyun told Hoya.

            “I love it,” Hoya said, closing the door and locking it.  Turning to Jonghyun, he pulled off his shirt and stepped right into Jonghyun’s arms, sliding his hand over Jonghyun’s bulging fly.  “Tell me what you want to do to my ass.”

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Copyright January 19, 2014
by Matthew Haldeman-Time