On His Terms
|Debut: 2010, Top Media (first group to debut under
Top Media, a company started by Andy from Shinhwa)
Fan club: Angel
|Name||Real name||Birth date||Role|
|C.A.P||Bang Minsoo||November 4, 1992||leader, rapper|
|Chunji||Lee Chanhee||October 5, 1993||lead singer, visual|
|L.Joe||Lee Byunghun||November 23, 1993||rapper|
|Niel||Ahn Daniel||August 16, 1994||main vocal|
|Ricky||Yoo Changhyun||February 27, 1995||visual, fake maknae|
|Changjo||Choi Jonghyun||November 16, 1995||maknae, dancer|
L.Joe laughed in return, tossing his hair out of his eyes. His hair looked soft. Was soft; Chunji didn’t have nearly enough excuses to touch it but had invented reasons often enough to know that it was just as soft as it looked. Chunji wanted to touch it now, wanted to stroke his hair and kiss his mouth, pull him close, push him down onto that chair and climb on top of him and-
“What?” L.Joe’s smile was puzzled now; he had the look he got when Chunji stared too long. The look he got way too often these days, because Chunji was having more and more trouble not being too obvious.
“What?” Chunji repeated with a bewildered laugh, as if he didn’t know what L.Joe was asking about. Then he fussed at Ricky and distracted L.Joe from wondering what was going on, distracted L.Joe from figuring him out.
L.Joe smiled, giving his phone a two-fingered V. Then he tossed his hair and bared his teeth and - - yes, yes - - snarled a little.
Chunji swallowed, ordering himself not to squirm. Forcing himself to breathe normally and glance away. Why the hell was L.Joe’s snarl that sexy? Just because Chunji had lewd fantasies of L.Joe snarling like that while climbing on top of him and grinning and yanking his clothes off-
“You like him.”
Yelping, Chunji was so startled by the interruption of his thoughts that he stared at Niel without comprehending. Where had - - when - - wasn’t Niel over with the maknaes, dancing? Not sitting beside him, whispering in his ear and grinning at him like a fool? “What?” Wait, had Niel just said - - “What?!”
Niel batted his lashes and then, to Chunji’s absolute horror, started smirking lewdly and winking lasciviously and licking his teeth.
Wondering if Niel had just completely lost it, needing to get away from that lecherous face, Chunji backed up, running into the couch’s arm.
“That’s how you look at him,” Niel explained, his face completely calm now.
Momentarily, Chunji was reassured that Niel looked so normal again. Then he realized what Niel was talking about, and felt his stomach drop right out of his body. No. Oh, no. Niel knew. Niel knew, and if Niel knew then the others knew, and if the others knew then L.Joe knew, or would find out, or would be told, because face it, there was no way that any of the members was going to be able to keep Chunji’s secret for longer than a day at the absolute most, and even that was pushing it, the little shits. “What?” he asked, trying not to panic and totally panicking. “What’s wrong with your face?” he asked to divert attention. “Besides the obvious.”
Niel adopted a mock-outraged expression and punched his arm. It was a light punch, but he punched Niel back anyway. “You like him,” Niel said again, way too loudly this time, and Chunji desperately wanted to look around to see who had overheard that, but that would only help to prove Niel right, so he forced himself to keep looking at Niel while he mentally panicked twice as hard as before. L.Joe might have heard that. Everyone might have heard that. L.Joe might at that exact moment be watching and listening and figuring out what they were talking about and waiting for his answer.
“Who?” was his suave response. It was the best he could come up with. He attempted his tried-and-true “what are you talking about?” bewildered laugh, but it came out shrill and scared-sounding. If he’d deliberately wanted to sound panicked and desperate, that would have been the noise to make.
“L.Joe hyung,” Niel said, looking at him like he was really interesting and kind of hilarious.
“What?” L.Joe asked.
“What?” Chunji asked. He was pretty sure that he was falling through the floor and dying. He was also pretty sure that as soon as he recovered, he was going to devote his entire being to tormenting Niel.
“What?” L.Joe asked again. His voice was a lot closer this time. He’d come over to them. He was getting involved in their conversation. This conversation which Chunji didn’t want, under any circumstances, to have in the first place. “You said my name.”
This couldn’t be happening, but it was happening, and if it had to happen, it was going to be on Chunji’s terms, damn it. “Niel’s just being a stupid kid,” he said, glancing at L.Joe like he didn’t care and rolling his eyes. “He listens to the fans too much.”
L.Joe laughed. “There’s no such thing as listening to the fans too much.”
Chunji put on his “can you believe this kid” expression. “He thinks I like you.”
“What?” With an embarrassed laugh, L.Joe hit Niel’s chest. “What’s wrong with you?”
“He does!” Niel protested. “He looks at you like ‘mmm, mmm, oh, L.Joe.’” Niel was making those horrible faces again, like it hadn’t been awful enough the first time.
“He’s Chunji! He looks at everybody like that,” L.Joe said. “Ew, stop!”
“What are you doing?” Changjo asked Niel, drifting in their direction, Ricky just behind.
“Chunji hyung likes L.Joe hyung,” Niel said.
“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Ricky chanted, and Niel and Changjo joined in, cheering.
“What’s wrong with these kids?” L.Joe demanded, laughing. He took a flying leap at Ricky and everyone scattered.
In the mayhem of teasing and chasing and brotherly punching, Chunji decided that the crisis was over. Niel had said something stupid, L.Joe hadn’t believed it, and everything was okay.
And then a few hours passed and they were in the middle of their fan meeting and Niel volunteered the Chunjoe couple to do a sexy dance together.
A dozen different reactions flew through Chunji, everything from saying some very choice things to Niel to joyously rubbing himself against L.Joe’s body, but he was in front of fans, so he laughed and backed up.
L.Joe was laughing, looking embarrassed, looking down, and shuffling in Chunji’s direction.
“What are you doing?” Chunji asked, laughing and backing away. He stepped behind C.A.P, but C.A.P dragged him around and shoved him toward L.Joe.
The fans were cheering and the kids were chanting, “Chunjoe! Chunjoe!”
Without saying anything, L.Joe paused and looked at the audience. With a bashful smile, he lowered his jacket enough to bare his shoulders.
“Don’t,” Chunji insisted, laughing and embarrassed and turned on. L.Joe was coming closer, and C.A.P’s firm hand on his back was pushing him forward. Okay, if this had to happen, it was happening on Chunji’s terms.
Ah, screw it. It was for Angel, right? With a deliberate step forward, Chunji put himself right in L.Joe’s personal space and, biting his lip and staring directly into L.Joe’s eyes, undulated, rolling his hips and straddling L.Joe’s thigh.
Gasping, laughing, L.Joe put his hands over his face and just stood there, frozen, jacket half-off, a mortified statue.
Flashing the crowd his best flirtatious, come-and-get-it look, Chunji put a hand on L.Joe’s shoulder, hooking his fingers in the strap of L.Joe’s tank top and slowly dragging it down.
“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” the kids chanted.
Smiling at the crowd, Chunji ran his fingertip slowly down the back of L.Joe’s hand, drawing a swirling pattern over L.Joe’s soft, smooth skin.
“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” The fans were picking it up now.
Playing with fire and enjoying every moment of it, turned on and loving Angel’s excitement, having fun with the flirtation, Chunji winked at the fans and leaned in, his lips almost brushing L.Joe’s ear. In the dressing room, with just the members, it had been too real; onstage, in front of fans, anything was possible, anything was acceptable. As softly and subtly as he could, he whispered, “Kiss my cheek.” And then he moved his lips more deliberately, turning slightly so that the fans would have a better view. “I love you, Lee Byunghun.”
For a moment, L.Joe didn’t move. Chunji caressed his skin, running greedy fingertips over his bare shoulder and along the line of his collarbone, stroking his neck. So daring, so intimate, Chunji loved touching him like this.
The fans were screaming with excitement and the other members were cringing away in embarrassment and Chunji was licking his lips, eating it up, when L.Joe moved.
Dropping his hands, L.Joe leaned right in and pressed his lips to Chunji’s cheek. It wasn’t a hasty, guilty peck; he kissed Chunji and stayed there for a moment, maintaining contact long enough for all of the fans to get a couple of good, clear shots of it.
And then he nipped Chunji’s jaw.
It was quick, light, a momentary brush of teeth, but there was no doubt what had happened. Surprised, feeling like lightning had just blazed through him, Chunji faltered for an instant, too startled and aroused to know what to do. That playful, aggressive side of L.Joe, the one which bared those sexy teeth for the camera, was the side Chunji was so sexually attracted to, the side he fantasized the most about. L.Joe bit him like that in his dreams; he jacked off thinking about it. And now L.Joe had done it, for real, onstage, in front of the fans, and he was so freaking turned on he - - god, he was standing in front of everyone rubbing his jaw and staring at L.Joe and panting for air.
L.Joe turned around and kissed Ricky’s cheek.
Yelping, Ricky twisted away and ran. L.Joe lunged toward Niel, but Niel escaped before he could make contact. Changjo feinted toward Chunji and he automatically played along, recovering enough to laugh and dodge and push C.A.P in the way. In the laughter and confusion, things moved along, and Chunji could pretend that no one had noticed how affected he’d been by L.Joe’s kiss, how turned on he’d been by L.Joe’s bite, how much he’d enjoyed their flirtatious play.
It was for the fans. Angel was his built-in alibi.
He stared at the photo in disbelief. Even Chunji’s hands were pretty.
He’d been noticing things like that more and more. How gorgeous Chunji’s eyes were. How fit and strong and defined Chunji’s body was. How often Chunji licked his lips, how pink and deft Chunji’s tongue was. How high and round Chunji’s ass was. It was taut but it always looked so soft and squeezable when C.A.P pinched it.
Chewing on his lower lip, L.Joe eyed the photo. He hadn’t intended to bite Chunji, hadn’t planned it out ahead of time, it had just happened. He’d felt the urge and done it. Chunji’s smooth cheek, smooth neck had looked so pristine and inviting, it had practically begged to be marked. Then again, he wanted to bite and lick and kiss every inch of Chunji anyway.
He hadn’t before, he could swear it. But lately, he didn’t see anyone else. Everywhere he looked was Chunji, Chunji’s flirtatious wink and pert ass and conspiratorial smiles and happy laughter. He loved the way Chunji laughed. It made him want to be around Chunji all of the time.
“What are you staring at?” C.A.P asked.
“Nothing.” He shoved his phone into his pocket.
“Who cares?” C.A.P asked, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes.
“It’s awkward,” Niel said.
“It’s funny,” Ricky said. When Niel winked and smiled at him, he pretended to blush shyly and then lunged at Niel, teeth snapping.
Jerking away with a yelp, Niel unbalanced his chair and teetered, flailing and grasping at Changjo to stay upright.
Reaching over, C.A.P shoved Niel’s chair back into position, then smacked Ricky on the back of the head. “Settle down.”
Giving C.A.P an injured look, Ricky rubbed the back of his head.
“They’d be a cute couple,” Changjo decided, unperturbed. “If they’re together, maybe they’ll room together and I can get a new roommate. L.Joe hyung masturbates too much, it’s embarrassing.”
C.A.P snorted, eyes closing again. “Then you’d hate rooming with Niel.”
“Ya!” Turning red, Niel stared at him. “I told you not to listen!”
One eye opened halfway as C.A.P’s lips curled in a smirk. “You never said I couldn’t watch.”
“A thank you present,” Changjo agreed.
“Like what?” Chunji asked. Tired and glad for the break, he rested his back against the pole in the middle of the practice room. As he wiped sweat from his face, his gaze drifted over to L.Joe.
Seated on the floor, leaning back on his hands, L.Joe tossed his head and looked at Niel. His expression was relaxed, his thighs spread, and he looked calm, comfortable.
Dragging the back of his hand across his mouth, Chunji watched a bead of sweat slide down the side of L.Joe’s neck. That long, smooth, taut neck. He wanted to lick it, to taste the salt of L.Joe’s sweat, to-
“Photos?” Changjo suggested. “Video? A special performance?”
“Oh, special performance!” Niel agreed.
“We already gave them dance versions and practice versions of almost everything,” C.A.P pointed out.
“Chunjoe version!” Ricky exclaimed.
Chunji didn’t look away fast enough, and when L.Joe glanced at him in surprise, their eyes met. Startled, feeling burned, heat sizzling between his thighs, he tore his gaze away, pretending to be puzzled and annoyed. “What? What Chunjoe version?”
“A romantic drama version,” Changjo said.
“A sexy kiss version,” Niel said, leering. L.Joe moved as if about to get to his feet; Niel danced around the pole, out of reach.
“We can do it here,” Ricky suggested. “Like this. Chunji hyung is dancing.” He began to dance in front of the mirrored wall. “L.Joe hyung walks in and watches him.” He made a “come on, get with it” gesture to Changjo, who suddenly went over to the door and pretended to come into the room. While Changjo exaggeratedly mimed watching Ricky dance, Ricky continued, “Chunji hyung does something sexy, L.Joe hyung likes it, L.Joe hyung pushes Chunji hyung against the pole - - like that!”
When Niel moved in on Chunji, hands pinning his shoulders to the pole, he punched Niel in the gut. With an “oof,” Niel doubled over and backed up.
“Don’t punch!” Changjo protested. “Kiss!”
“It’s for Angel,” Ricky said. “They’ll love it.”
“I’m not kissing for anybody!” Chunji protested. It felt strange to say, since if he had his way, he’d have L.Joe’s cock in his mouth. But what he wanted to do behind closed doors and what he was willing to do on video were very different.
“We won’t show the kiss,” C.A.P said. “It’s just for fun, don’t get weird.”
“Let’s do a maknae version,” L.Joe said. “Vocal version.”
“Rapper version,” C.A.P said, waggling his eyebrows. L.Joe laughed.
“Angel wants Chunjoe,” Ricky said.
“Practice it,” Changjo encouraged. “L.Joe hyung, you stand by the door. Chunji hyung, sexy dance.”
“Take your shirt off,” Niel said.
“No!” Chunji protested.
“This isn’t a joke?” L.Joe asked, looking from one member to another.
“Why aren’t you cooperating?” Niel complained.
“Do it,” C.A.P ordered.
While Changjo and Ricky dragged L.Joe toward the door, Niel advanced on Chunji. Raising his eyebrows, Chunji silently dared Niel to test him. Privately, he loved everything about the idea of L.Joe pushing him against the pole and kissing him. It was exactly the sort of thing he fantasized about, exactly the kind of thing that turned him on. But he didn’t want to be obvious about liking it or seem too eager.
“Hyung,” Niel said. “Take your shirt off.”
Chunji grinned at him. “Are you so eager to see my chest?”
“You have to look good for L.Joe and Angel,” C.A.P said. “Take your shirt off and pinch your nipples a little.”
“What?” L.Joe asked. He sounded so breathless that Chunji wanted to look over at him, to see his expression.
Chunji could shut this experiment down and insist that they go back to practice, but he wasn’t ready to quit yet. He wanted to see how far this could go, how far he could take it without tipping his hand. He could keep protesting to make it seem like he didn’t want to do it, but he did want to do it. Besides, he’d rather seem confident and sophisticated enough to have fun playing around. Deciding to seem unaffected, he took his shirt off. Rubbing his hands over his bare chest, he pinched his nipples, twisting them slightly and smirking at C.A.P. “You like that?”
C.A.P just grinned at him.
Turned on, liking the energy in the room, he bounced on his toes for a second, licking his lips. “C’mere,” he told L.Joe.
“You have to dance first,” Niel protested.
“He’s watched me dance a thousand times,” Chunji said. He was getting off on this; he wanted to get to the good part. “We don’t have to practice that. Let’s do the kiss.”
“Ya!” L.Joe shot him an embarrassed, wide-eyed look.
Grinning, he leaned back against the pole again, tilting his hips, dropping one shoulder, running his hand over his abs. “Scared?”
“Ugh, why do you look like that?” L.Joe mumbled, scrubbing his hands through his hair. He glared at Changjo and punched Ricky. “Do you have to stare? Do you have to be here?”
“Kids,” C.A.P said. “Out.”
The kids immediately started to argue. So did Chunji. He liked his audience. “They don’t have to go. If Angel’s going to see it, so can they.”
“Go,” C.A.P insisted. The kids grumbled their way out of the room. C.A.P. stayed put, however, and Chunji was somewhat mollified. If the audience was down to one person, at least it was someone who liked to watch.
“Stay awake,” he murmured.
C.A.P chuckled. “I will. L.Joe.” He gestured to Chunji. “Kiss.”
L.Joe sighed, grimacing and looking embarrassed.
Chunji rubbed his chest, enjoying the feel of his bare skin, letting his back arch a little as his lashes drifted lazily downward. As long as they retained the flimsy fiction that this was for Angel, he could do whatever he wanted. And he knew exactly what he wanted.
With a helpless, moaning sound, L.Joe rubbed his mouth and chewed on his lips.
“Angel’s getting bored,” C.A.P warned.
The door opened. “Hyung-”
L.Joe slammed the door shut and locked it.
Chunji grinned, rubbing his thumb over his nipple. “C’mere.”
Squeezing his eyes shut, L.Joe ran his hands through his hair. He turned around, and Chunji’s heart wavered - - all of this hesitating was starting to send bad signals - - but when he completed a circle, his eyes opened and his expression firmed into something determined. Confident. Aggressive. He started forward, and anticipation prickled hot and quick over Chunji’s skin.
“Yeah,” C.A.P murmured, his voice deep and appreciative.
Inhaling, energized by desire, Chunji parted his lips as L.Joe reached him. His gaze fell to L.Joe’s sexy, pink mouth, and his next inhalation was quicker, shakier as excitement pulsed through him. The hot burn and slide of L.Joe’s hand on his side, on his bare skin, drew a soft moan out of him, and his back arched as L.Joe’s palm rode up his ribcage.
L.Joe leaned in, and Chunji’s hand covered the side of his neck, guiding him closer, fingertips brushing the softness of his hair. For a moment, L.Joe paused right there, a whisper away. Impatiently, Chunji’s hand tightened on his neck, and his gaze flickered up. As their eyes met, Chunji felt turned on, a little shy at being in such an intimate position, a little emotionally vulnerable and romantically giddy. “What?”
“So pretty,” L.Joe murmured, and his eyes searched Chunji’s face. “It’s okay?”
Chunji’s heart softened. Only L.Joe would be aggressive enough to push it this far but sweet enough to ask to make sure that he wanted it. He nodded. And then, because he was tired of waiting, he pressed his lips to L.Joe’s. His hand slid into L.Joe’s hair as L.Joe’s lips parted to the stroking of his tongue, and they groaned together, lust expanding through him as L.Joe kissed him back.
The softness of L.Joe’s lips, the coaxing slide of L.Joe’s tongue, the grip and rub of L.Joe’s hands over his body, everything was even better than he’d imagined, even sexier than in his fantasies. Turned on, he pulled L.Joe closer against him, right against his body. The physical contact, the feel of L.Joe’s slim, strong body against him, made him moan with pleasure, and he kissed harder, running his hand down L.Joe’s back, across L.Joe’s waist, wanting more.
Hands suddenly tightening on his sides, L.Joe pushed him back against the pole. The press and grind of L.Joe’s hips brought a deep throb of rich pleasure, arousal heating him up, and he slid his hands down, cupping L.Joe’s ass, squeezing. With a low, humming moan, L.Joe rubbed his chest, feeling him up, every caress on his bare skin turning him on.
They were grinding together, rocking against the pole, pulling on each other like they couldn’t get close enough. Chunji had wanted this so badly, he could hardly believe that this was real, that this wasn’t a fantasy. How many times had he imagined this? The hot slide of L.Joe’s hands over his body was so, so much better than touching himself and wishing that L.Joe were there.
He was so turned on, he wanted everything, wanted to seize this opportunity and do it all. He didn’t know where the boundaries were anymore, didn’t know what was okay. Earlier that day he’d been trying to hide how much he wanted L.Joe, and now L.Joe’s hard-on was grinding against him and he was sucking L.Joe’s tongue down his throat. How far could this go, what was okay? What could he get away with? How was he going to explain this later?
If this was happening, it had to happen on his terms. If he was going to expose how much he wanted L.Joe, he had to make the most of this moment, to get everything he could out of it. But he couldn’t beg L.Joe to fuck him, they’d never let him live that down.
Calculating, thinking fast, he took L.Joe’s hand from his chest and guided it down between his thighs. As L.Joe’s palm rubbed right over his hard-on, cupping him through his pants, he winced, groaning, because fuck that felt good.
“Mmm.” The heel of L.Joe’s hand rode the shaft, pressing just firmly enough to steal away his breath, his cock throbbing.
God, he needed L.Joe. He’d touched himself a million times and it had never felt this good. Trying desperately to play it cool, struggling to keep his voice steady, he murmured, “Yeah, you like that?”
“Mmm, yeah,” L.Joe breathed. Already L.Joe was rubbing him rhythmically, squeezing his hard-on in steady little pulses that lit him up with pleasure.
“Yeah, you like my cock?” he murmured, pushing his waistband down.
Unhesitating, warm and smooth, L.Joe’s hand slid over his erection. The satin friction of skin against skin was unbearably good, and Chunji couldn’t hold back an animal moan of pure pleasure. Oh, god, L.Joe was fondling his cock, and it was incredible. It was so much better than he’d imagined, even, how could it feel this good? Slow, firm strokes from base to head, grip just tight enough to keep him gasping in ecstasy, this was ecstasy.
He had to get his shit together, he had to hold on. He had to be suave, he had to be in control. His terms, right, he had to come out on top. It would be easy to get what he wanted and still save face if he just got L.Joe to blow him. Easy, totally easy, he just had to get his tongue out of L.Joe’s mouth and stop moaning and remember how to talk and come up with the right words to get L.Joe to kneel down. Oh, god, why did L.Joe kiss like this, why was it so good, so sensual and sexy and just a little aggressive, just a little needy, the perfect mix of animal passion and intimacy right in his mouth?
“It’s so pretty,” L.Joe whispered, and then he knelt down.
Holy shit. Really, absolutely sure that this wasn’t actually happening, Chunji stared down. L.Joe’s hand was on his cock, and that looked a lot like the top of L.Joe’s head, and that was the dark fringe of L.Joe’s lashes, and that looked a lot like, god, L.Joe’s tongue snaking out over the naked head of his erection. “Fuck.” Hands reaching back and scrabbling over the pole, Chunji sought something to hold onto as L.Joe’s sexy, pink lips closed around his cock. “Oh, hoohh,” this was happening, his cock was in L.Joe’s mouth, L.Joe was blowing him.
Pleasure was zinging through him, burning between his thighs and vibrating outward. L.Joe was going for it, head bobbing, mouth sucking, throat hot and snug around his cock. The deep pull of suction was getting to him, bringing him to the edge, making him writhe. He was practically dancing against the pole, shaking and twisting, trying to shove his cock deeper down L.Joe’s throat.
He couldn’t believe - - he’d never expected - - L.Joe - - was this really happening? He needed to seize the moment, to capture it, to make it last forever. What if this was the only time, what if this was his only chance? Should he confess everything and do everything and beg L.Joe to fuck him now, in case nothing like this ever happened again, so at least he would have this one time? He didn’t want to embarrass himself - - wasn’t he already embarrassing himself - - he didn’t want to give himself away. If this was an anomaly, it would be better if he protected himself as much as he could, if he gave himself an out. He still had to live after tonight, he still had to face L.Joe every day, he still had to deal with the members.
His terms, it had to be on his terms, he’d do it on his terms. He clung to that thought as his hips rocked forward, as his erection slid between L.Joe’s lips, as L.Joe’s cheeks hollowed. Pleasure was like a fever in his body, wracking him, making him shake and sweat, and he moaned, undulating, clinging to the pole, as L.Joe gazed up at him. L.Joe was going to see - - he couldn’t hide it - - god, his cock was in L.Joe’s mouth, he couldn’t get over it, it was such a simple fact but too incredible to comprehend. L.Joe was sucking and he was burning with pleasure and L.Joe was looking at him with those sexy, vulnerable, deep, dark eyes. “Oh,” he said helplessly, and he came, orgasm a sudden explosion, ecstasy bursting in a rain of fire.
Making joyful sounds of suffering, “auuuuhhh” and “huunnnnhh” and “yes yes yes yes” like he was transcending to another plane, he writhed, sagged, melted. Panting, needing air, needing sanity, he wondered what he was going to do now. How could he live with L.Joe day in, day out, and know that it could be like this, and go without it?
Chest heaving, Chunji watched the mirror. Lowering his head, L.Joe licked at his lips, rubbing his hand over his mouth. His cheeks were bright red, and he sort of huddled there for a moment, curled onto himself, his head down. Then he started to stand, unfolding himself.
Immediately, Chunji tried to play it cool, pulling his pants up like they’d never been down, aiming for nonchalant posture. Yeah, nothing going on, nothing to see, everything normal, just like always. His heart wasn’t pounding in his chest and he was perfectly okay with the fact that he and L.Joe weren’t touching anymore.
L.Joe’s soft, pink tongue slid across his lower lip. Looking achingly vulnerable, he raised his eyes, meeting Chunji’s gaze. His expression was a question Chunji didn’t know how to answer.
C.A.P.’s deep voice rolled out lazily from the corner. “Come on, be a friend. Return the favor.”
He wanted to. Oh, yes, he wanted to. But he had to stop this while he was still in some semblance of control. Before he gave everything away, before he exposed his heart. Okay, L.Joe thought that he was good-looking, and L.Joe was willing to go down on him, but he hadn’t heard any promises, didn’t have any guarantees that this was more than a one-time just-for-fun thing that they’d never revisit. He already had Niel accusing him of liking L.Joe; he didn’t need to make things any worse.
“Are we going to leave the kids out there forever?” he asked, like he hadn’t heard C.A.P., like nothing was going on. He picked up his T-shirt, pulling it on while he went to the door. It was agonizingly cruel to turn his back on L.Joe without another word, but what was he supposed to do? What did people say in this situation? Was he supposed to say, “Thanks for a great time?” or, “Wow, you give great head?” He should have kissed L.Joe, at least, but he couldn’t risk it. He had to cut things off now while he still could.
When Chunji opened the door, Niel stumbled in like he’d been leaning against it. Changjo and Ricky looked at Chunji eagerly, looked around, fascinated and curious.
“Who was moaning?” Niel demanded. “I heard moaning.”
“What happened?” Ricky asked. “Was it sexy?”
“Nothing happened,” Chunji said, swatting at them. “Stop being nosy.”
“Kissing!” Niel exclaimed, pointing at him. “You’ve been kissing. Your lips are all red. Did L.Joe hyung chew on you?”
“There was no chewing,” he said, carelessly laughing it away, pushing Niel’s hand down. “Are we finished with practice?”
“No! We have to film the video,” Ricky said. “For Angel.”
He had to be kidding. He wasn’t kidding? “Angel doesn’t care about things like that,” Chunji said nonsensically. “Isn’t it already late?”
“I want some video,” C.A.P. said.
No. No way, no. There was no possible way that Chunji was putting himself back in that situation. “Do you have a camera?” he asked. “I don’t have a camera.”
“We have phones,” Ricky pointed out.
“Changjo, you record it,” Niel said. “Chunji hyung, start dancing.”
He had to prevent this from happening. He had to come up with an argument against it. Unfortunately, the only idea he could come up with at the moment was to scream and run away. And that wasn’t really a viable solution so much as a panicked instinct. Shit. This was going to happen.
His terms. It would happen on his terms. Feigning a coolness he definitely did not feel, he sauntered toward the mirrors. Everything was fine, no problem, just a fun video for the fans. With a flippant laugh, he glanced over the members, his gaze skipping quickly past L.Joe, who was pretty much exactly in the same spot by the pole. “Do you all have to be here for this?”
“Oh, I’m not leaving again,” Niel said.
“Go ahead, Chunji hyung,” Changjo said, holding up his phone.
“I’ll record L.Joe hyung,” Ricky said, pulling out his phone. “We can edit it together. L.Joe hyung, stand over by the door like you just came in.”
Wordlessly, L.Joe drifted toward the door.
“Okay, Chunji hyung, start dancing,” Niel said again.
“What.” L.Joe put his hands on top of his head and looked around the room like he didn’t understand anything he saw. “What are we doing?”
“Making a video for Angel,” Ricky said. “Hyung, have you not paid any attention?”
“You do it,” he said, sinking to the floor, squatting there by the door like he was never getting up again. “I can’t, I’m not, I don’t want to.”
What did that mean?! He didn’t want to? What was going on, suddenly he was too good for this? But it wasn’t that, that wasn’t it. Heart sinking, gut twisting, Chunji felt nauseous and guilty and awful, plain fucking awful. He’d messed this up, he’d tried too hard to protect himself and he hadn’t done enough for L.Joe, and now, now this, now L.Joe was finished with him. He was scared, he felt stricken, his chest hurt. Staring at L.Joe’s bent head, he had trouble controlling his expression, had trouble controlling his breath. Had he hurt L.Joe? Had he taken his one opportunity to make things good, and made things worse?
“Angel wants to see Chunjoe,” Ricky protested. “What’s Chunjoe without L.Joe?”
“You could use Changjo,” C.A.P. suggested. “It’s all Jo, isn’t it?”
Their voices were just sounds, nonsense flitting annoyingly past Chunji’s ears. L.Joe, tucked into a tiny crouch, looking at the floor, rubbed his hand over his forehead.
“Nobody wants to see Chunji hyung with the maknae,” Niel objected.
“I do,” Ricky said. “Ready, start!”
L.Joe shook his head, still looking down. What was he thinking? Did he regret everything? Was he embarrassed? Angry? Did he want Chunji? Had he wanted Chunji before? Would he ever want Chunji again?
“Chunji hyung, dance for Changjo,” Niel instructed.
“No.” Chunji couldn’t take his eyes off of L.Joe. “I want L.Joe.”
L.Joe’s head came up, his wondering gaze immediately finding Chunji. He looked puzzled, like he couldn’t have heard that right.
“I want L.Joe.” He felt reckless, bold, desperate. “I don’t want anybody else.”
Slowly, looking self-conscious, L.Joe stood up.
“What do you mean, you want him?” Niel asked. “Do you mean that you want him? Because I think that you want him.”
He didn’t know what L.Joe was thinking. There were too many emotions, too many questions, in those watchful, vulnerable eyes. It was occurring to him now that maybe they should have talked about some of this stuff, but he hadn’t said anything. He hadn’t even done anything. He’d kept his mouth shut and pushed L.Joe into taking the risks, and now maybe L.Joe was embarrassed, maybe angry, maybe hurt, maybe anxious, maybe bored, maybe tired, maybe thinking about what to have for lunch tomorrow.
Had he really done any of this on his terms? Or had he just scrambled desperately to manipulate situations as they arose? He hadn’t planned any of this, he’d just reacted in the moment, tried to control the damage, tried to seize opportunities and minimize the fallout. He’d ducked and dodged and taken advantage and left L.Joe out in the cold.
Straightening, licking his lips, his heart hammering, he stared at L.Joe. “I don’t care what you think, Niel.” He started across the room, making a beeline for L.Joe. “It’s not about you.” He shoved Ricky out of his way, bearing down on L.Joe, seeing nothing else. “It’s not about Angel.”
With a self-conscious laugh, L.Joe backed up a step. “What are you doing?”
“I want you.” He said it plainly, directly, staring into L.Joe’s eyes. “I like you.”
Blinking, L.Joe laughed like he was confused. His gaze darted around to the other members. “What is this?”
This was difficult; he really needed L.Joe to be more cooperative than this. “We just did that, and now you’re shy?” he asked impatiently. “What’s confusing? I like you, I want you.”
“You just did what?” Niel asked. “What did you just do?”
“Kiss, kiss,” Ricky urged.
“Ya, stop filming, what are you doing?” C.A.P. asked.
L.Joe bit at his lower lip, eyeing Chunji with curiosity. “You really like me? It’s not a joke?”
He couldn’t take this anymore. If he was going to say it, why not say all of it? Why not throw it all out there? Trying to protect himself hadn’t worked, things were already a mess, why not expose everything? “I want you to be my boyfriend. I want you to fuck me every night. I want to be the only one you look at. I want to kick everybody out right now and suck your cock. Is that enough, did I explain it?”
“Whoa,” Niel breathed.
L.Joe smiled shyly and brushed his fingertips across Chunji’s chest. “Boyfriend?”
“Kiss, kiss,” Ricky chanted.
“Blowjob, blowjob,” C.A.P. chanted.
Oh, god, this was so embarrassing. “Tell me you like me, too,” Chunji told L.Joe, squeezing his hand.
L.Joe smiled, tugging at Chunji’s fingers. “I like you.”
Thank god. Chunji hugged him, too embarrassed to look at him at the moment, too happy to do anything but laugh.
“You meant it?” L.Joe asked, hugging him back. “Those things you said. You want those things?”
L.Joe felt so good in his arms. He loved L.Joe’s wiry build. He loved L.Joe’s everything. “Yeah,” he confessed.
“I didn’t know if you liked it,” L.Joe said. “It was so weird. I never.” His hand rubbed up and down Chunji’s back, teasing Chunji’s shirt up. “I’ve wanted you a lot, I’ve wanted you so much, really, but I didn’t want to tell you, I thought it would be awkward.”
Really? Immediately interested, Chunji pulled back, wanting to see L.Joe’s face for this. “You want me a lot?”
Blushing, L.Joe pushed him away, then caught him close and hugged him again. “So much, you’re so sexy.”
Chunji was so glad to hear that, so happy, so relieved, that he kissed L.Joe. The press of L.Joe’s lips made him feel warm inside, hot and fluttery, and then L.Joe’s tongue parted his lips and sexual heat seared him. Moaning, he slid his hand to L.Joe’s nape, kissing back, sucking a little.
“Ew,” Niel said. “This is too embarrassing.”
L.Joe’s arms wrapped snugly around him, slim and strong, pulling him closer.
“It’s cute,” Ricky argued.
God, he loved the sinuous caress of L.Joe’s tongue, loved the feel of L.Joe’s body under his hands.
“Ya!” C.A.P.’s voice rose abruptly. “Maknae! I said to stop recording!”
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January 4, 2014
by Matthew Haldeman-Time