Save Me

            Beside L, Hoya was awake.  L slept soundly on his back, his face relaxed, his lips parted.  On one side, facing him, Hoya was close enough for their bodies to touch.  His arm was against Hoya’s chest, his hip against Hoya’s groin.  Moving might wake him, so Hoya didn’t move.

            L’s hair was a mess.  Hoya remembered running his fingers through it last night.  Stroking it while they made out.  Holding onto it while L sucked his cock in rhythmic, enthusiastic pulls.  L’s hair had been soft.  Kneeling in front of him, L had smiled up at him, had laughed.

            No, L hadn’t laughed last night.  That had been before, another night.  Not last night.  Their relationship wasn’t the kind of relationship where they were excited about how fun sex with each other was.  Not anymore.

            Hoya would have asked himself what kind of relationship they had now, but he knew the answer.  They didn’t have one at all.  He didn’t want to think about that, so he didn’t ask himself that question.

            There was a knock at the door, the peremptory knock of their manager.  L didn’t stir, but Hoya closed his eyes.  He heard the door open.  A moment later their manager was by the bed, ordering L awake.  Their manager was shaking L’s shoulder; Hoya felt the slight movement of L’s naked body against his own.  Such soft, soft skin.  He wanted to reach out and touch.  Opening his eyes just a fraction, trusting his lashes to hide him, he watched.

            L sat up, making an unhappy sound and patting clumsily at his hair.  Their manager gave him instructions about hurrying up and not being late.  He made sleepy agreements, and their manager left.

            Without even looking at Hoya, L groaned and got up.  Hoya’s eyes opened fully to watch him stagger off to the bathroom.

            Minutes later, clean and dressed, L left the room without a word.

            “No,” Hoya said, embarrassed by the praise but soaking up the affection.  “It was bad, it was so bad.”

            “You looked so upset!  It was so cute.”  Smiling at him, L caressed the side of his face.  It flustered him when L was so close, so affectionate.  He loved it when L was like this with him; it made him feel special.  “I knew that you’d do well.”

            “No,” he mumbled again, still embarrassed.  “Acting is still too new to me, I still have so much to learn.”

            “But you were great.  And you look so handsome onscreen!”  Suddenly taking on a dramatic look, L embraced him tightly and said his dialogue from the clip.  “‘Never.  I’ll never forget you.’”

            Laughing, he hugged L back.  “So that’s what that line is supposed to sound like!  I wondered.”

            He’d gotten another acting role, another drama.  Wanting guidance, he’d asked L for some acting advice.  They’d run through lines together.  Trying to keep up, he’d realized just how talented L was.  They’d worked on posture and movement, on gestures and facial expressions, and he’d learned a lot.  Working with L made him realize how far he had to go, but it made him more confident, too.

            They’d had fun together, and they’d started to hang out more.  Just the two of them.

            He still remembered their first kiss.  Soft and slow, every brush of L’s lips making him feel like butterflies were taking flight from inside his body.  They’d been fully dressed in the shower, ostensibly acting out a dramatic scene in the rain.  There hadn’t been a kiss in the script, but Hoya had to admit, the scene went way better with one.

            “Hey.”  Hoya stopped dancing.  Turning from the mirrored wall, he gave L a questioning look, raising his eyebrows.

            A secretive smile.  “What are you doing tonight?”

            “Going out with the maknae.  Why?”

            L licked his lips and shrugged a little.  There was happiness in his eyes that Hoya wanted to be responsible for.  “Cancel.  You should stay at the dorm tonight.”

            At the dorm?  “Why?  No one’s going to be there.  Everyone’s going out.”  It was a rare night off; they were all going shopping, going to dinner, visiting family.

            L still looked happy.  “I know.”

            Then what…

            Grinning, L nudged him.

            Oh!  Surprised, he laughed.  “Oh!”

            L raised his eyebrows suggestively.

            “Oh, you want to.”  Hoya laughed, then coughed into his fist.  He felt excited, nervous.  He was turned on, anticipation already crackling to life.  “We.  Yeah.  Let’s do that.”

            Laughing, L leaned against him, then put an arm around him, kissing his cheek.

            Happiness quickening inside of him, he slung an arm around L in return.  Okay.  Tonight.  God, tonight?  With L?  He hadn’t felt this eager and excited about sex since he’d been a virgin.

            He’d been in love with L for a while before he’d been able to say it.  L had said it first, whispered it to him during sex one night, while he’d been in top of L, inside, thrusting and gasping and feeling the world light up with ecstasy around him.  He hadn’t known what to do and, like a coward, he hadn’t felt like he could say it back, so he’d just pretended not to have heard it.  A moment later, L came, spurting between their bodies and crying out and staring up at him with emotion-filled, happy eyes.

            L didn’t say it again to him until two days later, when they were in the practice room, sweaty and hugging.  He’d felt scared but he’d made himself do it, and as his arms had tightened around L he’d mumbled, “Love you, too,” and L had kissed his cheek.

            They’d said it over and over again after that, more times than he could remember, and it pained him that he couldn’t recall them all.  It seemed horribly wrong, like a tragedy, that L had said “I love you” to him and he couldn’t remember each and every instance of it.  He wanted to go back and gather up every precious moment it had happened, wanted to mark it all down so that he’d never, ever forget.  Where had they been?  What had they been doing?  What had L’s expression been like, how had L’s voice sounded?  What kind of person was he, to take that for granted, to let the memory of it fade?

            “Oh, really?”  L zipped up his black hoodie.

            “Yeah.”  Hoya smiled, already looking forward to it.  “We can have the dorm all to ourselves.”  It had been a while since they’d had real privacy.  They’d been so busy lately, he felt like he hadn’t had L completely to himself in too long.  He wanted to have all of L’s attention, all of L’s affection, like he’d used to.

            “Maybe I’ll go shopping with Sungyeol hyung,” L said.  “I need some new shoes.”

            “What?”  Hoya looked toward the closet, where boxes and boxes of shoes were stacked on top of each other.  Some L had bought, some were gifts from fans; some had never been worn.

            “You should come.  We can all go together,” L suggested.

            Relieved, Hoya said, “Okay.”  It seemed sometimes like L didn’t want to hang out with him, like L didn’t feel as eager to be with him as before.  But that was just his imagination.  They were just busy.  And they had lives outside of each other, had other friends and interests.  He couldn’t expect to keep L all to himself, all of the time.  “We’ll all go together.”

            L smiled at him.  “Right.”

            They didn’t have sex as often.  When they did, it was less intense.  L wasn’t as demanding, wasn’t as enthusiastic, didn’t initiate sex with the same energy as before.  They didn’t go out on dates anymore; another member was always with them, or they went out separately.  L didn’t seek him out, didn’t join him in the shower with a smile, didn’t make it a point to sit beside him while they waited backstage.

            Whenever Hoya said anything about it, there was always some half-hearted excuse about being tired or busy, or L would act like he hadn’t noticed anything different and change the subject.

            Their relationship was ending.  The Hoya who’d been L’s lover was fading out of existence.  He’d never had the title of boyfriend, and now it was a sure thing that he never would.

            Trying to remind L of their good times, of how happy they were together, Hoya would mention dates they’d gone on or things they’d done as a couple.  L would be slow to react, like the memory was fuzzy.  Like their time together was already slipping away, moments hazy, feelings abstract.

            He worried that L would forget about him altogether.

            Not forget that he existed.  But forget about this part of their history together.  It would take something pretty drastic for L to forget about Infinite, but what if L forgot that they’d been more than only members to each other?

            If they stopped having sex, maybe in a few weeks, L would forget what it felt like to wake up together, the sleepy sounds they made as they resisted getting up, their limbs tangled, their skin damp from sweat where they’d been pressed together.  Maybe L would forget the taste of his skin, the scent of his musk, the way he licked around L’s cock for a while before he settled into sucking.

            L would forget some of the times and places they’d had sex.  Would forget the dates they’d gone on.  Eventually, it would take some prompting.  “Yeah, I’ve been here.  I came with one of the members, I guess.  Oh, was it Hoya hyung?  Mmm, maybe it was.”  Eventually, he’d forget altogether.

            They’d been members before, and they’d be just-members again, and that special, romantic, erotic interlude where they’d been more to each other would be subsumed by that until, in time, it ceased to exist at all.

            Would he remember how he’d felt about Hoya?  About how much he’d wanted Hoya?  About how happy they’d been together?  Would he remember the way they’d cuddled in the backseat of the van and slept on each other’s shoulder on planes and shared a bed in hotels?  Would he forget the acting lessons and the long hugs and the way he’d whispered words of love late at night?

            Hoya couldn’t let it all fall into dust and nothingness.  He wanted to preserve it all so that it could live on somewhere, somehow, even if it was only in memory.  It was too important, too valuable to lose.

            He wanted to save his memories of being with L, but even more than that, he needed L to want to save him.

            Spotting him, L gave him a meaningless flash of a smile.  “Staying in?”

            Feeling awkward and kind of worthless, he nodded.  Cleared his throat.  “Just hanging out.  Take it easy, get some rest.”

            L nodded.

            “Where are you going?” Hoya asked, hoping that the question sounded natural and not as pathetic as he felt.

            “To the Bread House.  Where we ate?  I wanted to get their desserts again.”  As Sungyeol joined him, he slipped his sunglasses on.  “Bye.”

            “Bye,” Hoya said, watching him go.  Sungyeol waved and closed the door.

            So L remembered their date.

            L hadn’t forgotten him.

            Yet.

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Copyright July 23, 2014
by Matthew Haldeman-Time