Suho’s Big Talk
I write about men having sex with other men. You must be eighteen or older to read my fiction. This site is for consenting, responsible adults only.
On the way out of the radio station, Suho checked his phone. He had a text from L.
Hyung, babysitting tonight?
“Babysitting” was how L referred to the time Suho spent with Changjo. Smiling, Suho texted back. Yes. Movies at 10.
Where? I’ll meet you.
While L.Joe and Sehun disappeared into the bedroom, Changjo shrugged into his jacket. He waited until Suho had finished giving D.O. and Kai a bunch of unnecessary instructions, and then he smiled, putting his arm around Suho. “Come on, hyung. Let’s go before the whole theater closes.”
“We could stay here. We can relax or watch TV or do laundry,” Suho suggested.
Right. No way was he staying in, and no way was he sitting around watching TV with Suho and D.O. while Kai fucked Chunji in the next room. “We’ll do laundry next time.”
“Okay, we’ll go.” Putting an arm around his waist, Suho steered him toward the door. “We’d better hurry, or L will be standing around waiting for us, and his manager won’t like that.”
Changjo hated that Suho knew all about how L’s manager felt about things. Hated that he knew that. “L hyung’s coming?” He was pissed off, but he wasn’t surprised. It was harder and harder to see Suho on his own, these days. L always showed up, one way or another: arriving with Suho, or meeting them there, or “accidentally” bumping into them and never going away. He was starting to be suspicious of how busy L claimed to be, because the guy sure had a lot of time for Suho.
“Yeah. You’re not going to pick a fight with him again, are you?” Putting a hand on the doorknob, Suho gave him an amused, warning look.
Pick a fight! “I don’t pick fights,” he protested, pressing his hand over his chest. “I didn’t know he was so sensitive about his body.”
“You should be nice to your hyungs,” Suho said.
Grinning, he tightened his arm around Suho’s shoulders. “I’m nice to you, aren’t I?”
Melting right in front of him, Suho smiled up at him. “Yes.”
Victorious, he kissed Suho’s cheek. “Let’s go.”
“Where are you going?” Sungyeol asked, coming out of the kitchen as L headed for the door.
“Movies.” Running his hands over Sungyeol’s chest and up to Sungyeol’s shoulders, he stole a long, deep kiss. Breaking away, he opened the door. “See you later.” Licking his lips, he left the dorm.
Changjo and Suho ducked inside the theater to wait for L. Of course some fans were there; a couple who’d followed the van, and a couple who just happened to be in the lobby and recognized them. The longer they waited, the more fans showed up.
They signed a few autographs and answered a few questions, but most of the fans stayed at a polite distance. Aware of the scrutiny and the phones recording his every move, Changjo sucked in his cheeks, ducking his head and smoothing his sideburns. When Suho smiled at him and touched his sideburns, he heard a flurry of whispers. Laughing, he ducked Suho’s hand. “Are you trying to get me more fans or more antis?”
“What antis?” Suho asked. “Who could dislike such a sweet, hardworking kid?”
“Sweet.” Changjo covered his mouth when he laughed. “Who says I’m sweet?”
“I do,” Suho said, reaching up and smoothing his sideburns again.
A few minutes later, the fans started whispering and nudging each other again. He looked around, wondering what they were reacting to, and, of course: L. Watching through the plate glass windows as L walked up to the theater, Changjo kept his expression blank so that no one would catch him scowling on video.
In a black sweater with his hands in his pockets and the wind lightly tousling his hair, L looked like someone filming a commercial for something expensive. As he walked, his stride long and easy, he turned his head, squinting dramatically at something to the side. Changjo waited for someone to yell, “Cut!” When he got to the theater and pulled the door open, Changjo expected flashbulbs to pop. Brushing lightly at his hair, he smiled at the fans like it made his heart flutter to see them, and then he turned the same smile on Suho, coming over looking all innocent and humble. “Hyung, am I late?”
“There’s another starting in ten minutes,” Suho said, touching his arm. “Let’s go get tickets. How was your trip?”
“Oh! Oh, huoooohh, yeah, give it to me, pound me with that hard cock, oh!”
While Chunji cried out from one of the bedrooms, D.O. turned the volume up on the TV. He still wasn’t sure if Suho had asked him to take Sehun duty as a reward or as a punishment. It seemed like a reward for Kai, anyway.
Considering how loud and not-at-all-subtle Kai and Chunji were, he was surprised by how quiet Sehun and L.Joe were. Maybe it was because L.Joe and Sehun didn’t want to be overheard, and Chunji and Kai either did want to be overheard or just didn’t care.
D.O. watched TV for a while. As he flipped channels, he came across L’s latest drama. Watching L pout and argue with the leading lady, he wondered how Suho’s night was going. He wondered whether L or Changjo was winning. He wondered who he wanted to win. Most of the EXO members were rooting for L, because L wouldn’t put out anyway, and they were worried that if Changjo and Suho started to date more seriously, Changjo would stop having sex with them.
D.O. didn’t think that was the best way to determine Suho’s love life. L and Changjo both seemed handsome and sexy, in different ways. Both seemed smart and talented, in different ways. L seemed quiet and closed off most of the time, but Infinite lit up around him and couldn’t seem to get enough of him, so apparently he was different with people he was close to. Changjo had a devious smile Kai didn’t trust, but was also really fun and adorable.
Suho wasn’t stupid, but was he too busy looking out for everyone else to look out for himself? Xiumin thought that L and Changjo were using him, but for what? They were successful sunbaes; they had fame and money of their own and didn’t need his.
The bedroom had been quiet for a few minutes. The door opened and Chunji walked out in his underwear, pulling a shirt on and fixing his hair. He went into the bathroom, went back into the bedroom, and came out again, sitting beside D.O. on the couch. Sniffing, he eyed the TV screen with a hint of disgust. “Let’s watch something else.”
Depending on which member was asked, the relationship between Infinite and Teen Top was either great or not great or had been great once upon a time or was of no consequence. Chunji had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with Infinite, and that he didn’t want to talk about it. “Sure,” D.O. said, switching channels. Since he didn’t care what they watched, he handed the remote to Chunji. While Chunji pushed buttons, he wondered if Kai was taking a nap. He wondered whose bed they’d used. “What do you think of Changjo?”
“Our Changjo?” Chunji shrugged. “He’s a cute brat.”
“Would you tell your friends to date him?”
“Have sex with him?” Chunji asked. “Yes. Date him?” He laughed. “Hell, no, not if they’re friends I like.”
Pulling his legs up, Chunji dropped the remote into his lap. When he met D.O.’s gaze, there was a question in his eyes. “You really don’t care that I just had sex with your boyfriend?”
He didn’t not care. “I don’t mind. I like it. Kai really likes having sex with you.”
Chunji’s smile was so pretty and charming that he smiled back. “Why don’t you like having sex with me? Everybody else likes me, why do you avoid me so much?”
“Mmm.” D.O. shook his head. “You’re too much to handle.” He thought about it, sometimes, and he wanted to, but Chunji was overwhelming. Too intense.
“I’m not!” Chunji said, laughing. “What does that mean? You like it with L.Joe, don’t you?” His gaze flickered up and down D.O. in a flirtatious once-over. “You want me to play submissive for you? Is that how you like it?”
That idea was so strange and so sexy that D.O. shuddered, uncomfortably aroused. Chunji, submissive? Submitting to him? He wouldn’t know where to start. Filing that idea away for the next time he was in the mood to masturbate, he folded his hands in his lap. “L.Joe’s…” Unbearably sexy. “Nice.”
“I’m nice.” A commercial came on and Chunji changed the channel again. “You know people who are up to no good? Changjo’s up to no good, like, every hour of the day. It’s fine if he’s on your side. He’s loyal to Teen Top, so. It’s okay around us. But I wouldn’t let him date anyone I cared about unless I really trusted the situation. If Changjo was really in love, or if the guy could handle him, it would be okay. But I’d recommend any other member first. Changjo’s fifty percent hardworking maknae and fifty percent devil.”
D.O. wondered if Suho saw Changjo that way. He didn’t think so.
“Why?” Chunji asked. “Is this about Suho hyung?”
“Eh, then don’t worry about it,” Chunji said dismissively, shaking his head. “Changjo likes him too much to do anything to him.”
Chunji seemed so sure about that, D.O. was relieved. “What do you think about L sunbaenim?”
Chunji wrinkled his nose. “I wouldn’t waste my time on anyone in Infinite. It’s not worth it.”
They had the theater all to themselves. When they moved to take their seats, L nudged Suho in between them. Laughing, he obligingly took the middle seat, letting them sit on either side of him.
The movie was fun, and it was more fun seeing it with his dongsaengs. He loved seeing L relax and enjoy it, loved watching L laugh. Changjo settled in comfortably against him, their arms linked, head on his shoulder, and he relaxed into the contact, patting Changjo’s thigh. The simple pleasure of skinship was a treat, and he was glad that Changjo felt close enough to him for it. He knew how demanding L and Changjo’s lives were, how heavily pressures weighed on them, and he was glad to give them a night away from it, glad to see them enjoy themselves.
After the movie, as they got up to go, they talked about the movie, about what they’d liked, about going to get dessert or coffee or something. L was still smiling, and Changjo was in a playful mood, and Suho was glad to see them get along so well. Sometimes there was so much friction between them that he wondered what had gone so wrong between their teams. If anything sexual had happened between their members, Changjo would have been too young to be a part of it. But that didn’t mean that Changjo wouldn’t be aware of it; those watchful eyes didn’t miss a thing.
They were wandering the streets and drinking bubble tea when L suggested that they go back to Infinite’s dorm. Changjo didn’t understand L’s obsession with trying to get them into Infinite’s dorm all of the time. So far, since that first night, Changjo had managed to block him. But the usual excuses wouldn’t work tonight. Changjo couldn’t claim to be too tired; it was still too early. Claiming to have to get up first thing in the morning wouldn’t work; Suho knew that his schedule was light tomorrow. He didn’t want to stammer around looking for excuses and be too obvious about not wanting to go; it would only make Suho suspicious. So when Suho agreed, he nodded and pretended to be interested.
When they got to Infinite’s dorm, Sungjong and Hoya were there, but left them alone. After they played a couple of videogames and Changjo pocketed the silver bracelet L took off, they went to hang out in L’s room. Privately, Changjo thought that it was hilarious that L’s computer had a new mouse.
“Let’s talk,” L said. He was on his own bed, leaning back against the wall; Suho was seated on Sungyeol’s bed. Changjo spun lazily on L’s desk chair. “We’re close, right? We can talk to each other about private things.”
“How private?” Suho asked with a nervous laugh. Intrigued, Changjo stopped spinning and studied L. What was he up to?
“Sex,” L said. “We’re all adults, aren’t we?” He looked at Changjo and smiled. “Old enough to talk about sex, anyway.”
“Do you need us to explain how it works?” Changjo asked him, grinning. “I thought that my hyungs already taught you.”
L snorted and looked away, shaking his head.
“What exactly do you want to talk about?” Suho asked. “What’s private-”
“What’s private is private,” L and Changjo said in unison. Looking surprised, L laughed. Changjo sighed and told Suho, “I think you say that too much.”
“Things are private for a reason,” Suho said like he was earnestly trying to explain something to them.
“I keep some things private from the general public and people on the street,” L said. “I don’t tell the press everything. I don’t tell fans everything. But it’s okay to talk about things with people we’re close to. I tell Sungyeol hyung everything. Can’t I tell you things, too?”
“You can tell me anything,” Suho said. “I hope that you can trust me, I want you to feel like you can come to me about anything that’s on your mind.”
“Why can’t you come to us, too?” Changjo asked. “Why should we tell you everything if you won’t tell us anything?”
“You can tell us some things, can’t you?” L asked. “It’s okay if we know some basic things, isn’t it? Like, you have sex with men, don’t you? You like guys.”
Suho looked uncomfortable for a moment; he squirmed, rubbing his hand over his mouth. Then he nodded. “I like men, I have sex with them. I’ve been with women, but not for a long time. That was… I was young, I thought it was what I was supposed to want.”
“Did you have sex with other guys before you debuted?” L asked.
“Did you?” Changjo asked L. Maybe if it seemed like they were all talking and sharing, it wouldn’t seem like they were focused too much on Suho, and he wouldn’t feel like he was under pressure.
“Is this just between us?” Suho asked. “Or is it something you’ll tell Sungyeol or Ricky or someone else?”
“It can be just between us,” L said.
“I’m good at keeping secrets,” Changjo said. “You’re a special hyung, I’ll keep your secrets for you.” He meant it, too.
Suho sighed. “This is a bad idea.” Running his hand through his hair, he sighed again and rubbed his toes over the floor. “No, not before I debuted. I knew that I was attracted to guys, but I never did anything until after I debuted.”
Changjo had used to think that Suho had some secret lover. But he knew Suho’s schedule, and he kept track of what Suho did and where Suho went enough to know that there couldn’t be someone else. There just wasn’t time. Unless it was EXO’s manager, there was no secret lover in Suho’s life.
So either there was no one, and Suho was celibate. Which was definitely a possibility, given the skittish way he acted.
Or he had sex with the other EXO members, and he didn’t want anyone to know about it. Which didn’t make a lot of sense, since he obviously was okay with them knowing that the members had sex with each other. If it was okay to know that Baekhyun and Chanyeol were screwing, why would it be wrong to know that Suho and Chanyeol were screwing?
“Was it good?” L asked. “Your first time with a guy?” He glanced at Changjo. “Yours?”
“Mine was fantastic,” Changjo said. That whole day had been amazing. Best birthday ever.
“Mine wasn’t,” L said. “It was so awkward, so stupid.”
“Mine was...” Suho breathed in and looked at the floor, crossing and uncrossing his ankles. “I didn’t know that it would feel like that. It was never like that with girls.”
“Good?” Changjo prodded, smiling.
A bright red blush stained Suho’s cheeks and he crossed his arms over his chest, looking self-conscious. “It was amazing. I didn’t know that I could feel those things.”
God, it was so sexy, hearing him talk like this. He had to keep going. “What’s your favorite part?” Changjo asked.
“I don’t know,” Suho said. “All of it?”
“My favorite part is making them come,” Changjo said. “I love getting guys off. It’s so sexy, making them scream and writhe around like that.” Usually, he had to guard how much he talked about sex in front of Suho, had to censor himself so that he wouldn’t hit that point where Suho pushed him away or shut down. It seemed like now they were having a conversation where he could say whatever he wanted. Were they? Could he say anything, everything? Right in front of Suho? He felt relieved and happy, but he felt a little nervous, too. Like he’d suddenly been given permission to swear in front of his parents.
“I love making out,” L said.
“You can’t like it more than sex,” Changjo said.
L shook his head. “Sometimes I feel like sex is a thing I can get from anybody. But making out is different. Only guys who really like me and really want to be with me would just make out with me. If they wanted sex, they’d go find someone else, but if they’re willing to just sit there and make out and not go any further, it feels like they’re there for me, not just for what they get out of it.”
Changjo stared at him, amazed. “You have so many problems.”
L gave him an annoyed look. “You’re the kind of guy who only likes to give head because he feels like it gives him some weird power over the guy he’s doing it to.”
Changjo laughed. “Isn’t that what makes it fun? Making them squirm around and beg for it and get off?”
“What makes it fun is knowing that you’re making somebody feel good,” L said. “You’re doing something for somebody else just to get them off, just to give them pleasure.”
“That’s the same thing,” Changjo argued. “You’re just making it sound like you’re a selfless martyr.” He looked at Suho. He could never have talked with Suho about this if they’d been the only two in the room; it would have made Suho too uncomfortable. But with L there, too, there wasn’t an obvious suggestive undertone; it was just conversation. “Do you give head?”
Sucking his lips in, Suho eyed them uncertainly. Then he nodded. “I do, I like it. I love it,” he corrected himself in an embarrassed rush. “I like the way you said it,” he told L. “That’s what makes it so good, so special. Giving someone else pleasure, making them feel so good. But it’s not completely selfless,” he told Changjo. “I love cocks, I love everything about them. It brings me pleasure, too.”
Changjo couldn’t believe that Suho was talking about this. He’d never actually heard Suho say the word “cocks” before. He wished that he had his phone so that he could record this conversation, so that he could play it to himself over and over again and remember that this moment had really happened.
L laughed. “Cocks are the best, aren’t they?”
“They’re fun,” Changjo agreed. Pink to the ears, Suho laughed. “I like blowing guys. I like that feeling - - do you get that feeling? When you go down on your knees and you know that you’re about to do it and you’re staring at his crotch and you’re already turned on, right before you start?”
“I like that,” L said. “Right before I put my mouth on it, when I know we both want this and it’s going to be so great.”
“Do you.” Suho shifted on the bed. “Do you swallow? People talk about ‘spit or swallow’ but everybody I know swallows.”
“I usually swallow,” Changjo said. “Almost all of the time, unless I kiss them with it or something. Some of the members like it.”
“I used to spit,” L said. “Now I always swallow, unless they come on my face.”
Changjo grinned. “How often does that happen?”
L raised his eyebrows. “Whenever I want it to.”
“My members come on me all of the time,” Changjo said. “Not as much on my face, though, but anywhere else. Do guys come on your face?” he asked Suho. He could at least ask, right?
“Oh, god, no.” Suho gestured like he was pushing the idea away with both hands. “No, not on my face.” He hesitated, licking his lips, and then he said, “On my chest, though. Or my, on other parts. But not my face, I don’t do that.”
“I like it,” L said. “My members like doing it to me, they think it looks good.”
“It.” Suho was squirming. “Aren’t you embarrassed? For them to see you that way?”
“No.” Shaking his head, L said it matter-of-factly. “It’s just for fun. If it was - - some guys do it just to be jerks, like it’s some weird dominance thing, like the point is to humiliate you. But with my members, it’s not like that. Dongwoo hyung likes to lick it off of me afterward.”
“That’s so gross and so sexy,” Changjo said.
“It’s not gross,” L protested, laughing. “It’s fun. What’s your favorite position?”
“What’s yours?” Changjo asked.
L shifted, stretching out on his side, propping his head on his hand. “I like being in the middle of two guys. One in front and one behind me, so I’m surrounded by them. If it’s just one, I like being face to face, so I’m looking at him and he’s looking at me. I like being able to look into their eyes. And with face to face there’s more kissing, I love kissing.”
“You’re still a bottom?”
With a disgusted snort, L looked away, rolling his eyes. “I do both, I like both. I was never a bottom, I was just with someone who has no imagination.”
Changjo couldn’t reply to that without starting a fight, and he didn’t want to get mean in front of Suho. So he let it slide and got back to the main conversation. “I like both. They’re so different. Being fucked feels… It’s really intense.”
When they looked at Suho, he licked his lips nervously. “Is it okay for me to talk about this? I have to protect my reputation, EXO’s reputation. I’m their leader, I can’t have people talking about ‘EXO’s Suho told me this,’ or, ‘EXO’s Suho does that.’”
“I’d never talk about that,” Changjo said. “I won’t tell anyone. A hundred hoobaes have told me all about what they do and what they like, and I haven’t spread that around. And I don’t even care about them. I’ll keep your secrets, I won’t even tell my members. It’s just between us, I promise.”
“I don’t know if you can trust him,” L said. “But you can trust me. And I think that you need to talk to someone about it. You’re way too wound up, you have to confide in somebody. Do you have anyone else to talk to?”
“It… I…” Dragging his hand through his hair, Suho exhaled, looking at the ceiling. “Sex is so hard for me. It’s so awful not to have it, and then it’s awful when I do have it, and I don’t know what to do. Everything seems wrong, I feel horrible when I give in and do it, and then I feel guilty when I don’t have it, and it’s so hard to say no.”
What was he talking about? Confused, worried about him, Changjo rolled the chair closer.
“Are you having sex with someone you don’t want to have sex with?” L asked. “Is there someone at SM, someone in management, forcing you? We can stop it, we can make sure it never happens again.”
“No! No, no, it’s nothing like that.” Suho looked astonished.
“Then what’s wrong?” Changjo asked. “Why is it so awful to have sex?”
Grimacing, Suho looked down, rubbing his hands over the edge of the bed. “I like it too much.”
What? “You like…sex…too much?” Was that possible? “Hyung, that’s what sex is for.”
“No, I… I wish that I were like D.O. That I didn’t want it so much. That I could just not be interested. It doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t even care.”
Changjo wanted to understand him, but was he making sense? Liking sex too much - - it was a weird idea.
And then Changjo thought of L.Joe, and how needy L.Joe had used to be. How intensely and enormously L.Joe had seemed to want it. Like sex wasn’t just a fun thing but an urgent necessity.
Was Suho like that? His mind blown, Changjo tried to keep his tone light and conversational so that he wouldn’t give away how turned on he was and freak Suho out. “Are you kinky?”
“No,” Suho said hurriedly. “No, I’m not. I don’t think so. I just,” his hands clutched at each other in his lap, “I really like sex. A lot.”
“How often do you have it?” L asked.
“I don’t know.” Suho crossed his legs, uncrossed them, and crossed his ankles. “Sometimes every night. Sometimes not for days or not for weeks. I try to go without it, I try to say no, but I feel guilty if I say no, and I feel guilty if I say yes, and then it’s so difficult to say no, but I feel so weak if I give in. The whole thing’s a mess.” He looked conflicted and frustrated, and his tone was getting sharper. “I never should have started it, I should have stayed out of it from the beginning.”
L’s foot pushed at the desk chair, scooting him forward. Nudged toward the bed, Changjo rolled closer to Suho. “Hyung, aren’t you being too hard on yourself? It’s okay to have sex, and it’s okay to like it. That’s what it’s for, feeling good and having fun.”
“I should be able to go without it,” Suho insisted. “I should be stronger than this. If I can’t make sacrifices, what kind of example am I setting for my members and hoobaes?”
“Do you expect your members to be celibate?” L asked. “Are you angry at them and disappointed in them for having sex? I think we all know you’re not that hard on them. If you let them do things, why can’t you do the same things? Is being the leader so different?”
“He’s right,” Changjo said, leaving the desk chair and sitting beside Suho on the bed. “If you make sure that your members are happy, why can’t you be happy? If you make sure that they have what they need, why can’t you have what you need? You’d do anything to make sure that Sehun hyung lives well, right? Can’t you do that for yourself?”
L snorted. “Sehun hyung. It’s funny every time you say it.”
Changjo might have been annoyed by that, but it took the pressure off of Suho for a second, so he let it slide. He wondered if that was why L had said it, to inject a lighter note for a moment. If so, it was a good idea. He chuckled, just a little, and then Suho’s shoulders visibly relaxed, right in front of him. Amazed, he looked at L, to see if L had noticed, and L smiled at him, a tiny smile of approval.
Suho rubbed at his face and shoved his hand through his hair. “It seems like it should be different. A leader’s held to a higher standard.”
“Has your company asked you to be celibate?” L asked. “Has anyone in management mentioned it?”
“No. They’re the ones who drive us to MT,” Suho said. “They want us to have sex under certain conditions so that we don’t have sex under other conditions. But they’ve never asked us not to do it at all.”
“Then you’re doing this to yourself?” Changjo asked. “You’re imposing rules and restrictions on yourself and making up expectations no one else has?”
“Do you like the sex you’re having?” L asked. “Is it with people you want to have sex with? Is it in positions you like?”
“I. It’s fantastic,” Suho confessed. “This is so hard to talk about,” he mumbled, looking at the floor and at his knees. “I like all of it, all of the acts and things. And yes, the…” Covering his face with his hands, he moaned. “Should I just say it? Will it be easier if I just say it?”
“Do you want us to say it?” L asked.
“We can guess,” Changjo said. “You can tell us if we’re right.”
“You have sex with your members,” L said.
“They ask you for it, don’t they?” Changjo asked. “You keep talking about saying no and saying yes, like someone’s asking you for it. Do you ever ask them for it?”
“You feel too guilty to ask them for it, don’t you?” L asked. “You don’t initiate it, it’s up to them to come to you.”
Hands dropping to his lap, Suho stared at them with wide, blinking eyes. “How do you have it all so right? How do you know me so well?”
Changjo grinned. “We guessed right?”
“It’s all right,” Suho said. “How did you know that it was my members? Have I been too obvious?”
“It just makes sense,” Changjo said. “You don’t have time for anyone else.”
“What do you do with them?” L asked. “Tell us about it.”
“I like for it to be private,” Suho said. “With the door closed and the lights off.”
“Only one at a time?” Changjo asked.
Suho nodded. “I’ve never been with more than one person at a time. And I… I do different things, with my mouth or my hands, but I’ve only ever bottomed. I don’t top, I’ve never.”
Changjo couldn’t believe that he knew these things about Suho now. That Suho was telling him all of this, personally! Suho’s sex life had always been a question mark behind a locked door, and now it was all coming out, all of it in the open. He had solid answers and plain facts. “Do you think that you won’t like topping?”
“Or do you want to try it but you’re holding back?” L asked.
Suho swallowed. “I don’t know. I try not to think about it. I guess that I’d like to know what it’s like, but I can’t do that with my members. It seems like taking advantage. It shouldn’t be about my pleasure, it’s about them.”
“Yeah, but - - can we talk openly? You know all about EXO, right?” Changjo asked L.
“If it’s about Chen hyung’s pleasure, that is Chen hyung’s pleasure,” Changjo said. “That’s Baekhyun hyung’s pleasure, too. If you’re trying to do what they want, then you should do that.”
“That’s right,” L said. “But why does it have to be about their pleasure? You sound like sex is a chore you’re putting up with for their sake. Do they want it to be like that? Do they ask you to make it all about them and not have any fun of your own?”
“If you asked Chen hyung if you could fuck him, would he be upset?” Changjo asked.
“Isn’t that selfish?” Suho asked. “Shouldn’t they be able to get away from a leader’s demands in this one aspect?”
“Hyung.” L got up, slipping into the desk chair. Flipping a lever, he made the chair sink until he was at Suho’s eye level. “When you have sex with them, do you talk to them about it? Before it, during it, after it?”
“No,” Suho admitted. He looked uncomfortable. “Not really, not other than finding out what they want to do.”
“You don’t even talk to them?” Changjo asked. “Not even, like, ‘Ugh, I’m so horny, I’ve wanted to fuck you all day?’ Something like that?”
Suho’s laughter was startled. “I’ve never said anything like that.”
“And you only have sex with the lights off?” L asked.
“Are you afraid of sex?” Changjo asked.
“Hyung, you’re too old to act like this,” L said.
“You sound like a scared virgin,” Changjo said.
“Or a confused kid,” L said.
“I’m none of those things!” Suho argued. “I’m an adult, I know what I’m doing. I just don’t want people to see me in certain ways. I don’t want my members to see me like that. It’s embarrassing. They have to listen to me and respect me as a leader.”
“What other weird stuff haven’t you told us?” Changjo asked.
“There’s nothing weird,” Suho insisted. He hesitated, peeking at L from under his lashes. Licking his lips, he glanced at Changjo. “Is it weird that I almost always roll over so they’re behind me when they have sex with me? It’s almost never face-to-face.”
“Is it because you’re more comfortable that way?” L asked.
“Or because you’re hiding?” Changjo asked.
“No one’s hiding!” Suho rubbed his toes over the foot of L’s chair. “I don’t want them to see me like that. I make a lot of noise, and I’m sure that I make weird faces, and I don’t want them to think of that when I’m tough on them during practice. Who’s going to obey me when they know that they can make me scream like that?”
Feeling like they’d just hit important territory, Changjo shared a look with L. Leaning forward, L asked, “Do you think that they won’t take you seriously?”
“You have really nice, cooperative members,” Changjo said. “They wouldn’t take you lightly over something like that.”
“Your leaders can have sex with your members and still keep their authority, but they’re different from me,” Suho said. “C.A.P. and Sunggyu hyung aren’t just tops, they’re aggressive and dominant. They have the upper hand with their members no matter what they’re doing. I’m not like that.”
“You could try being an aggressive top,” Changjo suggested, grinning.
“Are you saying that the bottom is always in some weak position?” L asked. “That’s not true.”
“It’s true for me,” Suho said. “I can’t handle sex, I get too excited, I get overwhelmed, I can’t control myself. I lose control of myself during blowjobs. Sex is too intense for me.”
God. Changjo had to look away for a moment, staring at the head of the bed. If he thought that he had a chance, he would’ve jumped on Suho in a heartbeat. How could Suho just say things like that?
“What about it is so intense?” L asked.
“Everything,” Suho said. “I don’t know. The way it makes me feel. Everything builds so fast, I feel like I can’t hold anything back.”
God, his members had to love that. Burning with lust and jealousy, Changjo cleared his throat.
“If you could make Sunggyu hyung beg you for it and scream and feel like he needed you so much he’d do anything for you, would you respect him so much?” Suho asked. “Or would you take him a little more lightly because you knew that you could turn him into a desperate slut any time you wanted?”
“I like desperate sluts,” Changjo said. “Some of my best hyungs are desperate sluts. Niel hyung will do anything for cock. L.Joe hyung treats my cock even better than I do. And I love them, I’d do anything for them. They’ve been so good to me, I’m good to them, too.”
“Sex brings members closer,” L said. “If you keep saying no and turning them away and turning off lights and turning your back, how are they going to feel closer to you? How are they going to know that you care about them and want to take care of them? During the day, you handle your responsibilities, but that’s your job, that’s keeping management happy and following your contract. Sex proves to them that EXO is more than a job to you, that you love them, that there’s something special keeping EXO together.”
There was something real behind what L was saying. The more Changjo thought about it, the more interested he became in it. “I feel a lot closer to L.Joe hyung since I’ve started having sex with him. We were already close, before, but I feel like there’s…” He felt self-conscious, suddenly, felt like he was being sappy and mushy or something, but Suho nodded at him encouragingly. Awkwardly, he stumbled forward through his point. “Like there’s something special between us now. It’s that way with the other members, too, it is, but with L.Joe hyung it’s…” He swallowed.
“What’s different?” L asked.
“Sometimes he makes sex like… It’s more like relationship sex,” Changjo said. “We kiss more and we go slower. Stuff like that.” He wasn’t comfortable talking about it.
“See?” L asked Suho. “It’s making them closer. You can use sex to make your team stronger.”
“I don’t want to make my members feel unwanted,” Suho said. “I feel guilty when I turn them away. I don’t want them to think that I’m rejecting them.”
“You won’t even look at them during sex,” L pointed out. “I love looking into Sunggyu hyung’s eyes when he makes love to me. You don’t always have to turn off the lights, do you? You can try different positions sometimes, can’t you?”
How could L just call it “making love” so casually? Wasn’t he embarrassed? Changjo couldn’t imagine saying, “When C.A.P. hyung makes love to me.” C.A.P. would laugh at him. Or punch him.
“I. I’ll think about it,” Suho said.
“You can’t even try it?” L asked.
“When I’m on my back, it’s. There.” Suho put a hand on Changjo’s forearm, looking closely into his face. “You can’t tell anyone about this. I mean it.”
“I promise,” he said immediately. When Suho kept looking at him, he said, “Hyung, I promise. I won’t tell anyone, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“What is it?” L asked.
“When I. When I come.” He swallowed, letting go of Changjo’s arm. He winced, dropping his gaze again. “I come everywhere. It shoots really far and it even lands on my face.”
Changjo clapped his hand over his own mouth to keep from saying anything stupid.
“Your own cum?” L asked. “You shoot that far?”
Changjo giggled behind his hand.
Curling forward, Suho groaned, his head in his hands.
“Don’t laugh,” L told Changjo, smacking his arm. “Don’t listen to him,” L told Suho, stroking his hair. “It’s okay. It’s normal, right? I’ll bet that your members think it’s sexy.”
Sexy, yes, it was the sexiest thing Changjo had heard in weeks. He was so turned on that he could hardly comprehend the images of it popping up in his mind. Cum splattering over Suho’s smooth, flushed cheeks. Suho begging, writhing, out of control and coming hard, cum arcing up his body, over his chest.
“It’s not sexy, it’s embarrassing,” Suho muttered.
“It’s definitely sexy,” L said. “Changjo’s about to cream his pants right now, and he’s only thinking about it. Have you let your members see it? Have they said anything about it?”
“I can’t help it,” Suho said. “It gets everywhere, it’s all over me, they’ve all seen it. Lay likes it, I know he does, whenever I do it he gets so turned on, he’s so into it. They all are, they’ve. They’ve said things.” His head still bowed, he rubbed at his face, muffling his words. “Xiumin hyung used to tell me to, to, to put on a show.”
“God, that’s so sexy,” Changjo said before he could stop himself. “I can’t handle this. Your members must want to bang down your door every night to get into your bed.”
“Have you ever had regular sex?” L asked, still petting Suho’s hair. Changjo couldn’t believe that Suho was letting L touch him during a sex conversation. Then again, Changjo still couldn’t believe that he’d confessed to so much. He was a freaky-needy bottom with wild cum shots, and his members took turns giving it to him? Changjo was going to have elaborate fantasies about this. “Like a steady sex life? Guaranteed, satisfying sex every night for a month or so?”
“Not every night, not for a month,” Suho said. As he straightened, L sat back. “Not steadily.”
“I think you should,” L suggested. “Maybe if you had it more regularly, you’d adjust to it, and you’d be able to relax. It’s like you’ve been starving yourself, and then when you do sit down for a meal you get excited and want to eat everything in sight. Try doing it every night, no matter what.”
“You have to stop being so tense and guilty about it,” Changjo said. “Talk to us about it. What are you into? What kinky stuff do you want to try? Do you like giving blowjobs or getting them better? What are your members good at? What turns you on?”
“I can’t tell you those things!” Suho insisted, like Changjo had known that he would.
Exasperated, Changjo shared a look with L. Do you want to push him, or should I?
With a gentle smile, L patted Suho’s arm. “Hyung, it’s okay. We know everything about your members already. You don’t have to keep their secrets for them. And you don’t have to hide anything from us. You have to get used to talking about this stuff, you have to learn how to relax about it.”
“Which of your members fucks you the best?” Changjo asked.
“I can’t have favorites,” Suho said. “That wouldn’t be fair.”
“Does Chanyeol hyung ask you to play his oppa games?” L asked with a teasing smile.
“No, no.” Suho’s smile was embarrassed. “I play with his ears sometimes. When we make out or when he, he, he blows me. It turns him on.” Giving the ceiling an amazed, despairing look, he mumbled, “I can’t believe I’m telling them this.”
How could they keep him talking? “Chanyeol hyung’s fun, right?” Changjo asked. “Whenever he kisses me, he gets so into it he starts breathing hard, breathing too fast, like we’re already fucking. Does he do that with you?”
“He does,” Suho said, looking interested and amused. “He starts moaning and panting right away, right in the beginning, before we do anything else.”
“It’s kind of a turn-on,” Changjo said, trying to prod him to say more without being obvious.
“It is.” Suho’s laugh was embarrassed, but he kept talking. “It makes me feel like he’s really into it, so I get turned on, too. Things build fast with Chanyeol, sometimes. Like with D.O., it can go a lot slower, because he doesn’t rush it. With some of the members, it’s so quick.”
“I’ll bet that it’s quicker with Baekhyun,” L said.
“I think so.” Scooting back on the bed, Suho leaned back against the wall, drawing his legs up. Changjo was sure that he was trying to hide a hard-on. “It’s so great with Sehun, it’s so intense. And it’s so hard to say no to him. He needs me more than the other members do.”
“How does Kai get you turned on?” L asked.
Suho laughed. “He looks at me.” He sounded so fond and so happy, Changjo wondered if this might actually work. They might actually get Suho to relax and open up and let go of some of the sexual anxiety he clung to so tightly. “It’s so hard to hold back from Kai. We know each other so well and we love each other so much. He gives me one look - - god, he has a million of them. You know. He has this flirtatious, inviting look, and this long, smoldering look, and this playful, sexy look, and they all work on me. He has me, I’ll do anything he wants, I love all of it. I can never get enough of him. He knows what he likes, and he’s so bold, he’s comfortable with me. Some of the other members, like Chanyeol, they’re more careful with me. It’s my fault, I’m so tense that it makes things weird, and Chanyeol probably thinks that if he does the wrong thing I’ll throw him out. They’re all so considerate, they all want it to be good for me.”
“What about Xiumin hyung?” Changjo asked. “He’s not shy.”
“Oh, Xiumin hyung.” Suho rubbed his hands over his thighs. “No, he’s not shy. He used to be really… I don’t know if I should call it pushy. He was more aggressive than the other members. He said things that.” Blushing red, he shook his head. “Things no one else has ever said to me. It was so intense, he always made me come so hard, but I was so embarrassed. Whenever he left me, I felt so. I felt shaky, I felt like someone had rubbed my skin raw. And it stayed with me, it was so hard to shake. He’s overwhelming. It was good, but it was too good, it was too much.”
Changjo nodded. He could kind of see that. For him, Xiumin was fun and exciting, but Suho was too sensitive.
“Lately, he’s been different. He’s been sweeter.” Suho smiled. “I don’t know what happened, but I like it. It’s easier for me to say yes to him now. He’s still confident, but he doesn’t tease me about how much I want it.”
“You have sex with D.O. hyung?” Changjo asked. “Does he ask you? He says that he has sex with the other members besides Kai hyung, but I don’t know if I believe him.”
“We don’t have ‘sex,’ like that,” Suho said. “But we do things. We get each other off.”
“Tell us all about that,” L said with a smile, and Suho laughed.
Sitting there in Infinite’s dorm, in L’s room, on Sungyeol’s bed, Suho told them everything. Every time Changjo smiled at him, more secrets spilled out of him. After a while, he didn’t even think of stopping; he’d lost his instinct to hold back. He wanted them to know everything; he wanted to confide in them.
He’d kept everything locked so securely away, had hugged all of the details so close to himself, that it was a relief to let go. He fell into the warm depth of L’s brown eyes and gave up everything. He told them about how embarrassed he was to zip down the hallway to the bathroom to wash up after sex. He told them about how Baekhyun had been the first guy he’d ever fingered, and he’d been self-conscious about not knowing what to do, and then Baekhyun had come so quickly and so easily he’d felt worried that it hadn’t lasted long enough for him to pick up any technique. He told them about how sometimes Kai left his bed to go fuck other members, and about how he wished that Kai would just stay and fuck him again, but he didn’t want to ask for it. He told them that sometimes he felt like he was a pure bottom who’d be happy to take cock every day for the rest of his life, and sometimes he had hot, vivid dreams of topping, of fucking his members, of how incredible it would feel to slide inside them.
He trusted them with thoughts and experiences he’d kept strictly private, and it felt amazing. It was cathartic to get it all out. He couldn’t talk quickly enough. There was so much to tell! He told them about his first time, about his first blowjob, about the first time he’d come in front of Lay and how his cum had landed everywhere and how Lay had responded like someone witnessing a miracle. He told them about long, slow make-out sessions with Chen, about how sometimes Sehun started out by telling him all about sex with the other members, about how hearing Sehun describe having multiple partners at once only made the fantasy of it more exciting for him. He couldn’t stand the thought of several guys at once - - it was too much, too thrilling, impossibly hot - - but when he went too long without sex, the fantasy started to eat at him, haunting him, preying on him.
It was freeing, to be so open. They laughed, and they asked questions, and he knew that they were turned on but it didn’t bother him. He was turned on, too; his cock was an uncomfortable knot in his pants. But he felt comfortable with them. He felt safe here. L and Changjo kept the mood light; they didn’t try to start anything physical or touch him in sexual ways. They encouraged him to talk but didn’t insinuate that he should act, and his relief at finally being able to talk about his sex life kept him from feeling overwhelmed.
He had so many questions for them. “How do your members treat you?” he asked Changjo. “Do they treat you well?”
“Sure,” Changjo said. “Why wouldn’t they?”
“Sometimes it seems like your members are a little…” Licking his lips, he wondered how to phrase it. “They’re a little aggressive.”
Changjo’s grin was deliciously wicked. “That’s what makes it so fun, isn’t it?”
“The leader sets the tone,” L said. “Onstage, offstage, and when it comes to that, too.”
“It’s good when it’s aggressive,” Changjo said. “Makes it more intense. You must really want somebody if you go after him like that, right?”
“There are other ways to make sex intense,” L said. “Suho hyung’s members probably think that it’s intense with him, and he’s not aggressive.”
Surprised, Suho blinked. That had never occurred to him. “Do you think so?” Embarrassed, he thought it over, rubbing his mouth, hoping that L was wrong. Not that he wanted to be a bad lay, but did he want his members to walk away thinking, “Man, I just fucked Suho, and wow was he intense!”
“If you’re writhing around screaming like that?” Changjo asked. “Super intense.” His smile was mischievous. “Super satisfying.”
“I don’t scream!” he objected, laughing, pushing Changjo’s arm. “It’s not like that.” Feeling himself blush, he added, “I try not to get too loud, I don’t want everyone to hear. It’s embarrassing if the other members listen. Sometimes I can’t help it, and sometimes I get so, uh, so into it that I forget to be careful. The sounds just have to come out.”
Sprawled lazily in his desk chair, L swiveled it slowly from side to side. “As long as we’re asking how it is with Teen Top, has C.A.P. given you head yet?”
“Yep.” Changjo rolled onto his side, propping his head on one hand. He eyed L with open amusement. “Jealous?”
L snorted, glancing to one side. “With C.A.P., it’s more about novelty than skill,” he told Suho. “He doesn’t know what he’s doing down there, but it’s so rare for him to try it, you get turned on just over having your cock in his mouth.”
Suho didn’t know if he should encourage them to talk about things like that. Sunggyu and C.A.P. might not like their members being so open about their teams’ sexual history. But Suho didn’t want to discourage his dongsaengs from confiding in him, and he trusted himself; he wouldn’t do anything with the information. “According to my members, C.A.P.’s very good at other things, anyway.”
Changjo lit up, fingers digging into Suho’s ribcage. “What do they say about me?”
Laughing, Suho pushed Changjo’s hand away. When Changjo laced their fingers together, he squeezed Changjo’s hand. “They’re very, uh, how can I say it? Very happy with you.” He blushed, remembering his members’ obscene praise. “They wish that they saw you more often.”
“But what do they say?” Changjo asked, tugging on his hand, swinging it from side to side. “What do they like about me?”
L scoffed. “You have a great body, you’re enthusiastic, and you’re hung. What do you think they won’t like about you?”
Sucking his cheeks in, Changjo shot L a flirtatious look. “I didn’t know that hyung paid that kind of attention to me.”
“They do like all of those things,” Suho admitted, relieved that L had said it for him.
“What do they say about L hyung?” Changjo asked.
“They’re very sad about L,” Suho said. He didn’t want to put pressure on L, so he answered in a light tone. “It’s been hard for them to understand that he’s not interested.”
“My members are sad about you, too,” Changjo said. “Chunji hyung wants to seduce you.”
What. “Me?” Suho asked, surprised.
“You are Chunji’s type,” L said. “You’re a guy.”
“What are your types?” Changjo asked.
L shrugged, resting his foot on the edge of the bed. “Don’t have one.”
“I don’t know,” Suho admitted. “I can’t even think about things like that. I’m too focused on EXO now. I’ll have a personal life some other day.” He rubbed his thumb over Changjo’s knuckles. “How do you juggle your work and your sex life? It always seems like things at Teen Top’s dorm are some kind of…”
“Animal free-for-all?” L suggested.
Laughing, Suho nodded. “Yes, that. How do you do that in private and not do anything the rest of the time?”
Changjo flexed and pointed his toes. “I’m not stupid. If we didn’t know how to be professional when it’s time to work, Teen Top wouldn’t have gotten this far. We don’t have a big company behind us to clean up our messes, so we have to take care of ourselves. I want to have sex with Niel hyung, and I know that he wants me, and I know that if we go in the bathroom and get off together it’ll be great. It’ll be terrific and it’ll be really hot and if we’re quick, we’ll totally get away with it. You start thinking, ‘Oh, just this once, we’ll be careful, just this once.’ And it’s so good and so sexy, and you get away with it, and it’s so great that you do it again, and again, just this once. And then you get caught, and maybe the first time you can cover it up, but then the wrong person catches you, and the sasaengs find out, and Angel finds out, and the press finds out, and we don’t have any more endorsements, and we don’t have any more sales, and we don’t have any more fans.” He shrugged. “I’d love to nail my hyungs against the dressing room door, and it would be amazing if I did it, but I like being in Teen Top. So I hold it in, and I save it until we get back to the dorm, and then I bang the shit out of them.”
Suho understood him perfectly, but, “It takes a lot of maturity to have that kind of self-control. It’s hard to keep things in perspective that way when your hormones are involved.”
“I wish that we could do it in dressing rooms,” L said. “Life would be so much better.”
“What would you do?” Changjo asked. “I’d fuck Chunji hyung against the wall. No, I’d fuck L.Joe hyung on the couch. No, I’d fuck Niel hyung on the floor.”
L’s toes curled over the edge of the bed. “I’d go down on Sunggyu hyung. I’d just turn my back to the rest of the room and forget about everything else and do that for a while.”
“Tell me more about Sunggyu hyung,” Suho said. “You talk about making love, but. I want to understand what you get from him. Is it something I can do for my members?”
“Okay.” L held his gaze, those mesmerizing brown eyes drawing him in. “I’ll tell you, if you tell us what you’d do if you could do whatever you wanted in the dressing room.”
What would he do? In the dressing room? Exhaling, Suho pouted, running his hand through his hair. He tried not to think about things like this, and it was strange to let his mind travel to those places. “I’d kiss Xiumin hyung every time he did something cute.” It felt good to say it. “I’d touch Kai when he starts dancing in the corner and his body’s moving like he’s really enjoying it. I’d snuggle up with Lay when he gets sleepy. I’d kiss Chen’s neck while he’s warming up his voice.” Changjo was leaning in, looking interested; he blushed and looked down at their joined hands. “I’d help Sehun change, I’d do and undo all of his buttons for him, I’d do it all myself. I’d curl up with D.O. in the corner and just kiss for a while and ignore all of the stress and the noise. I’d make out with Baekhyun until he was squirming and worked up and we both needed it, and then I’d take that high with me onstage. And when the show was over and we came back and I could still feel the high and I could still hear the fans cheering, I’d bend over the couch for Chanyeol to fuck me.”
“Oooohh,” Changjo said. “Yes, I like that.”
“Mmm.” L smiled, blinking slowly. “That’s what it’s about. Sex is great, but you can get laid anywhere. It’s all of the rest of that stuff, the intimate stuff, the romantic stuff, the personal stuff. The things you can’t get anywhere else, the feelings you only have with them. You’re in love with your members. But if you don’t share that with them, you might as well not feel it. What good does it do them if you keep it to yourself? Sunggyu hyung doesn’t hold it in, he gives it to us.”
“What is it?” Changjo asked. “He says, ‘I love you, honey,’ while he bones you?”
Tipping his head back, L closed his eyes. Pulling the sleeves of his black sweater over his hands, he exhaled. “He puts everything into my pleasure. He doesn’t care about his pride or his ego, he isn’t doing it for himself, it’s for me. It’s for us. He kisses me everywhere, he touches me everywhere, he knows me all over, he knows everything my body likes. He looks into my eyes, he watches me, he makes sure that he connects with me. He makes it personal, it’s not just another night of sex, it’s about the two of us being together. He does things that are good for me, just me, not the same thing he does with every other guy. He tells me that he loves me, he tells me that he wants it to be good for me. He tells me how sexy I am and how special I am and how much it means to him.” With a soft breath, L opened his eyes. “I was angry at him one time and I hated him so much and I thought about what a scam it all is, how he pulls the same routine with each one of us, how he only does it because he thinks that it’s a leader’s responsibility, how if I weren’t in Infinite and some other guy had been cast in my spot he’d do the same thing for that guy. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if it’s all a lie and he’s faking it, if he’s just going through the motions because it’s his job. It just proves how much Infinite means to him and how much he’s willing to do to keep our team together. Even if it’s all fake, he’s still willing to go that far for every single member, just to keep Infinite strong.”
“But. He’s not faking, is he?” Suho asked. “He loves you, he means it.”
L nodded. His smile was wry when he said, “Some nights, that’s a lot to take in. It’s easier to think about it the other way.”
Easier to believe that Sunggyu only made love to him out of a sense of duty, then that Sunggyu genuinely cared that much?
“That’s what I meant, earlier,” L said. “Sex doesn’t have to be aggressive to be intense. With Sunggyu hyung, it’s really intense, even when it’s not rough. Sometimes slow and tender is way more intense than anything else.”
“Kim Sunggyu hyung?” Changjo asked. “Making love like that? I think we’re talking about different people.”
“How often does he do it?” Suho asked.
“Whenever I need it,” L said. “Whenever he wants to. We have a lot of other kinds of sex, too. But I like all of the other times so much because of how it is when he makes love to me. The quickies and everything else are so great because of that other bond between us.”
Nodding, Suho rubbed his arms. He understood what L was talking about, and it seemed like something that would make EXO stronger. But could he do it? Was he that kind of leader? “Would you like that with your members?” he asked Changjo. “Would you like it if C.A.P. was that way with you?”
“It would be too weird,” Changjo said. “Wouldn’t it be funny? C.A.P. hyung making love to me and telling me how special I am to him? It would be too awkward between us.”
“But you like that with L.Joe,” L pointed out.
“That’s…” Changjo blushed, looking uncomfortable. “It’s different. We don’t say those things to each other.”
“You tell your hyungs that you love them,” Suho said.
“Not every day,” Changjo protested.
“You say it to me,” Suho reminded him, smiling.
“You’re easier to say it to,” he mumbled, letting go of Suho’s hand.
“You tell Suho hyung how much you love him?” L asked.
“It’s sweet,” Suho said, stroking Changjo’s hair. Such thick, healthy hair. Biting his lip, embarrassed, Changjo ducked his head, hiding his face against Suho’s hip. “Such a cutie,” Suho said, laughing, petting his back.
“Such a manipulative little shit,” L said admiringly. “Does Sehun have you wrapped around his finger, too?”
“No,” Suho said. Changjo kicked at L’s chair with playful aggression, and Suho pushed at his thigh to get him to stop. “Yes, maybe. But I have to be hard on Sehun sometimes, as his leader. I don’t have to be as hard on this one.”
“Do you tell your members that you love them?” L asked.
Suho nodded. “I say it when it comes up. I want them to know it.”
“Do you ever say it during sex?” Changjo asked.
“No. I’ve said it after sex a few times, I think. More to the younger members than to the older ones.” Suho frowned, poking his lower lip out as he thought. “I don’t know if I’m the kind of person who can make love to my members like that. Like Sunggyu hyung does. Not that I don’t want to. I think that it would be good if I could. But it takes, it sounds…” He sighed. “I don’t have that kind of control over myself during sex. I can’t do things that deliberately.”
“It doesn’t have to be the same,” L said. “Maybe you can do things your own way.”
He wondered. It would be great if he could talk to Sunggyu about it, but could he? It was too personal a conversation. It would be too embarrassing. Then again, Sunggyu already knew all about his members. If he’d trusted Sunggyu with that, could he trust Sunggyu with this, too?
“You know what you should do,” Changjo said. “You should watch your members more often. Watch them have sex. Like, really watch. Let them turn you on. Even if you don’t join in.”
“But I can’t.” He looked, and he checked on them, but he didn’t watch. That was too much, too far. “It’ll turn me on too much, I’ll get all - - all worked up.”
“That’s okay,” L said. “You’ll just have amazing sex that night when you finally get your hands on them.”
“It’ll be good if they see you watching,” Changjo said. “They’ll know that you want them and that you like it. It might be a little weird for them to come and ask you for sex at night if you act like just their leader all day. If you never act interested in sex, maybe it’s strange for them to bother you about it at night. If you watch and get turned on and let them know about it, then they’ll feel like you want them, too, and they’ll probably feel better about asking you later. They’ll be more confident.”
He’d never thought of that. When his members seemed tentative, he thought that it was because he was burdening them. It hadn’t occurred to him that they thought that they were burdening him. Guilt-stricken, he wondered if Changjo was right. “Maybe that would be okay? Or, won’t it seem perverted? If I just stand around and watch?”
“If they’re having sex in the main part of the dorm, they want to be watched,” L said. “Or they don’t mind it, anyway. If they don’t want to be watched, they can go somewhere private or close a door.”
“Do your members do that?” Changjo asked. “Close doors?”
“Sometimes,” Suho said. “Kai and D.O. do, sometimes.”
Changjo nodded. “Closed doors are for relationship sex.”
“Yeah, we close doors to make love,” L said. “It’s a little more private.”
“I couldn’t have sex with the door open,” Suho said. “Anyone could walk in, anyone could see? I couldn’t do it.”
“Anyone can join in,” Changjo said with a gleam in his eyes. “That’s part of the fun.”
“Okay, ‘anyone can see’ and ‘anyone can join in’ aren’t the same thing,” L said.
Changjo shrugged. “They are in my dorm.”
“I couldn’t live that way,” Suho admitted. “I couldn’t be fair game all of the time. If my members could bend me over and screw me any time they wanted? I… I…” Blushing, he went ahead and made his confession, feeling as if he were heaving a weight off of his chest. “I’d love it, I’d just rut around having mindless sex all night. It would be amazing. But it would be too good, it would be too much. I can’t stand even thinking about it.”
“It’s great,” Changjo said, grinning. “You should try it for a week.”
“How is it among your members?” L asked Suho. “Do they go slowly and ask first, or do they start grabbing and assume it’s okay?”
He pictured it, trying to remember exactly how they usually began. “They move in on each other and start touching, and see how it goes from there. We’ve all been together for so long that they understand where each other’s boundaries are. They’re a lot more forward with Baekhyun than they are with D.O.”
“Visible ass is available ass,” Changjo said. “That’s our dorm rule. We don’t bother Niel hyung if he’s sick and we don’t bother Chunji hyung if he’s not in the mood, but.” He laughed. “I don’t know, we’re always in the mood. I like that I can fuck L.Joe hyung whenever I want to. I like getting my cock sucked while I’m eating dinner.”
“I like being asked for it,” L said. “I like being told to come and get it. I like that moment between us when I know I want it, and you know I want it, and we both know it’s about to happen, and then we put it right out in the open, asking and announcing and watching each other make the first move. It’s sexy. But, yeah, I like it when my members assume that I’m into it. If anyone else tried that, I’d break his face, but when my members move on me without asking, I like it. That’s okay.”
“But. You just.” Suho tried to imagine it, and shuddered as heat streaked through him. “How do you just - - do you reach out and grab someone’s ass? You think, ‘Hey, that looks nice, I’d like some of that,’ and then you grab it?”
“Sure,” Changjo said.
“Sungjong likes it if it’s a softer squeeze and if you say something nice or sexy or flirty while you do it,” L said. “You can’t just grab him, it’ll piss him off. But you can grab Dongwoo hyung like that. Hoya hyung likes it if he’s in the mood or if you’re already doing something. Sungyeol hyung likes it any time.”
“I think our only rules are that you have to stop if someone says ‘stop,’” Changjo said. “And you have to wake somebody up first before you touch his junk. You can’t grab it if he’s sleeping. And you have to get Chunji hyung off first before you come, but that’s just self-preservation.”
“Isn’t that just polite?” L asked.
“What’s polite about sex?” Changjo asked.
“I always try to get the bottom off first,” L said. “I think it’s kind of the top’s responsibility.”
“Do your members get you off before they come?” Changjo asked Suho.
He loved that he could be honest, that he could just answer directly. That he could join in this kind of frank conversation. “They try, but sometimes they come first anyway. I don’t always come very quickly.”
Changjo nodded. “Chunji hyung doesn’t, either. He has to work up to it.”
“Do you have tricks?” L asked. “To get yourself to finish?”
“I. Like what?” Suho asked.
“Moves, things you think about, ways you touch yourself,” L said.
“Chunji hyung talks himself into it,” Changjo said.
Was that what all of that chatter was about? Chunji’s way of building himself up to orgasm? Fascinated, Suho thought it over. “I don’t have any tricks.”
“Do your members?” L asked. “Maybe some of them have figured out the secret to get you off faster.”
Blinking, Suho wondered.
“Ooohh, you should ask them,” Changjo urged happily. “‘Oh, dongsaeng-ah, you make me come so well. How do you do it?’”
“I can’t ask that!” Suho objected, laughing. “They wouldn’t even think that it was me.”
“It’s hard to get Sunggyu hyung off sometimes,” L admitted. “He has too much stamina, and he holds off sometimes because he wants to keep enjoying whatever he’s doing.”
“C.A.P. hyung has a lot of stamina,” Changjo said. “Usually he fucks more than one of us before he comes. I think he likes fucking more than he likes coming.”
Suho wondered what it would be like to have that much control over himself. Sex always felt so out of his control, after a certain point.
“Who are you having sex with tonight?” L asked.
“You should go back to the dorm and watch him,” Changjo said. “See if he does anything with your other members, and just watch. Sit back and relax and let it turn you on.”
“If it makes you feel aggressive, go with it,” L said. “If it makes you want to ask him for something, ask him for it. Just tell him, ‘I want you to blow me,’ or whatever it is.”
“What if they see me watching?” Suho asked. “What if they ask me what I’m doing?”
“They’re not going to ask,” L said.
“You’re their hyung and their leader,” Changjo said. “If they ask, tell them to stop bothering you and get back to what they were doing. ‘Dongsaeng-ah! Why are you keeping Chen waiting? Keep going, don’t neglect him.’”
Suho laughed. He couldn’t be that bold. But what if he could be more assertive? What if he watched the sex that kept taking place right in front of him? What if he asked for what he wanted? What if he took charge of his sex life? What if sex was something that he did, not something that kept happening to him? What if he opened up to his members the way he’d opened up to L and Changjo? Maybe everything would spin out of control and crash. But then again, maybe he could become more confident. Maybe he and his members could become closer. Wasn’t it worth a shot?
They’d talked for hours. When L finally walked Suho and Changjo to the door, the dorm was quiet, the other rooms dark. Feeling good about the night, feeling really close to Suho, L put a hand on his shoulder.
“Good night,” Suho said, hugging him. Hugging back, he tucked his face against Suho’s shoulder. “Sleep well. Thank you for having us over.”
“Thank you for talking to us.” When he pulled back, L let him go. Ignoring Changjo, L looked into his eyes. “It’s good for you to focus on your members. It’s important for you to work things out with them so that you’re all close and happy. But it doesn’t only have to be your members. There are other people you can be sexual with, too. It’s healthy.”
In L’s peripheral vision, Changjo rubbed his hand over his mouth, clearly trying to stifle a comment.
Cheeks fire red, Suho nodded, stepping back. “I understand. I. Thank you. You.” With a self-conscious laugh, Suho shook his head. “It’s not easy to say no to that.”
L smiled. “You know where to find me, right? If you want to say yes, later.”
“Right.” Reaching back, Suho grabbed at the doorknob. “Okay. Good night.”
When they were gone, L got a drink. Went to the bathroom. Opened doors until he found Sungyeol asleep in Woohyun’s bed. He crawled in, right on top of Sungyeol, and made himself comfortable.
“Ugh, god, you’re heavy,” Sungyeol muttered, pushing at him.
Woohyun snuggled in, stroking his back.
Closing his eyes, he inhaled the scent of Sungyeol’s shampoo, of Woohyun’s musk. “I love you,” he murmured, running his hand down Sungyeol’s side, over smooth, bare skin. “You should fuck me.”
“What?” Sungyeol asked. “Did you - - now?” As he laughed, Sungyeol dumped him onto Woohyun. As Woohyun pulled up his shirt, Sungyeol kissed him. “Okay, yes. God, you’re already hard.”
“Oh, nice,” Woohyun said, caressing his ass as he moaned. “This is good. Suho should come over more often.”
Sometimes after a visit to L.Joe, Sehun was quiet during the car ride back, relaxing in his seat with dreamy blissfulness, and Suho would leave him alone, not wanting to interrupt whatever happy thoughts he was dwelling on. Sometimes, like tonight, he was energetic and talkative, a playful live wire. Kai had a lazy, satisfied smile, and D.O. seemed thoughtful.
As they got out of the van back at the dorm, Suho couldn’t help but remember L and Changjo’s encouragement to watch his members have sex. Chewing on his lower lip, he followed Sehun’s quick footsteps. He knew what happened when Sehun was in this mood; there would be sex to see, if he wanted to watch. But could he go through with it? Would it be okay? What if it was awkward; what if it was a mistake?
In the dorm, Chanyeol greeted them at the door and asked, “How was it?” with a searching look at Sehun.
Sehun smiled like he had the best secret in the world. His eyes bright, he said, “Ooohh,” and shivered. He pulled Chanyeol in and kissed him deeply, then brushed past, calling, “Baekhyun hyung! Are you busy?”
“What, are you back?” Baekhyun called.
Licking his lips, Suho made himself follow Sehun. It was okay. He could walk away again in a second; he could leave the room any time he wanted. And they could leave the room, too, if they didn’t want him to see.
“Yes, I’m back.” Baekhyun was sitting on the couch with Lay. Standing right in front of them, Sehun started to undress. “Are you doing anything important?”
“Not very important.” Baekhyun’s gaze lingered on Sehun’s groin as he pushed his pants down and kicked them off. “You had a good time with L.Joe?”
“God, I always do,” Sehun said, and climbed on top of him. Laughing, he ran his hands over Sehun’s bare sides, and then they were kissing.
Suho should leave. He should go, right? It was weird to stand around staring at people, wasn’t it? Lay was watching, too, but it was Lay, so was that a good example to follow? He couldn’t just stand there, anyway, it was too obvious. Feeling awkward, self-conscious, Suho fumbled himself into a chair. He perched on the edge of it as Sehun pulled off Baekhyun’s shirt. He slid to the back of it as Baekhyun lay down and Sehun picked up the lube. Turned on and supremely self-conscious, he tried very hard to hold still while they kissed and Sehun’s hand burrowed between Baekhyun’s legs and Baekhyun fondled Sehun’s erection, guiding it inside himself. He twitched, feeling compelled to squirm, but the harder he fought to hold still, the more obvious he felt. Wasn’t he too still? Didn’t it look unnatural to freeze there like a statue? He should relax, but how could he, when Sehun was thrusting inside Baekhyun right in front of him?
“Aaahh, aahh, maknae, oh! God, yeah, ooohhh, so good when you get like this, love it, oh!”
Suho had seen them do this before, but he always tried not to watch. He never wanted to make his members uncomfortable, so he didn’t react to the constant sex taking place all over the dorm. Sex that didn’t involve him and wasn’t about him was fine, he accepted it, he was glad that they were so happy and comfortable with each other. But watching it like this felt like participating in it, even tangentially, and he didn’t know how to do this. He didn’t know where to look - - at Sehun’s bare ass, at the piston of Sehun’s cock, at Baekhyun’s raised legs, at Baekhyun’s squinched-up face? Sehun was grunting, “Take it, god, oh, hyung, take it,” in a way that made desire rise up hot and hungry in Suho; could Suho be next, could he get in line?
Movement unexpectedly close startled Suho, and he jumped in his seat. It was Kai, Kai sitting on the arm of his chair. Telling himself to calm down, he pretended to brush something invisible off of his knee before glancing as casually as possible at the sofa again. Sehun was thrusting fast, and the way Baekhyun was squirming around looked so sexy and needy and familiar that Suho wanted to soothe him, wanted to rile him up further, wanted to know what it was like to be Sehun and to feel it up close, to cause it like that.
As Baekhyun gasped, “Ah, yes, yes, keep going, please, more,” Lay got up. Cock in hand, he moved to kneel beside the couch, close enough to get a good look at whatever he wanted to see. His sturdy, pink erection made Suho’s mouth water. How impossible would it be to crawl across the floor and blow him? Wouldn’t it be okay, just this once?
“Just this once.” Suho remembered Changjo saying those words. Remembered the mischievous spark in Changjo’s eyes. Remembered the curl of L’s bare toes over the edge of the bed. Reality and memory moved together, everything swirling at once. Baekhyun’s toes were curling now as Sehun thrust in again and again. The steady, driving pace of Sehun’s hips. The way Changjo’s fingers fit so neatly between his. Baekhyun’s ecstatic, panting cries. The way L.Joe looked so relieved and happy and breathless every time Sehun walked into Teen Top’s dorm. The soft thickness of Changjo’s hair under his hand. The way L.Joe had stood there tonight, his head down, watching Sehun walk away through the light fringe of his bangs, rubbing the side of his neck and smiling with the most satisfied, proud look on his face. “…It doesn’t only have to be your members. There are other people you can be sexual with, too.” L pulling his sleeves over his hands and closing his eyes and talking about being made love to. Baekhyun pulling his knee to his chest and telling Sehun to keep going, “Keep going, more, more, ah!” L’s soft lips and deep, soulful eyes. The formidable tent in Changjo’s pants that he’d known he was welcome to touch. But he couldn’t touch.
Couldn’t touch. Couldn’t watch. Couldn’t look, couldn’t have, couldn’t, god, he was so tired of restricting himself. So tired of holding back and saying no and constantly policing his own behavior.
“Hyung, oouuunh, gotta give it to you, gotta, oh, oh!” Sehun grabbed Baekhyun’s wrist, dragging it overhead and pinning it to the armrest.
“Yeah, give him everything,” Lay panted, jacking himself with the same pulling rhythm he used when he masturbated onto Suho. “Give him your rod, give him your massive, wet load, give all of it to him.”
Suho had to - - needed to - - something, but what? Uncomfortably hot, he rubbed his hands over his thighs. He couldn’t just join in, he couldn’t just throw himself onto the couch or dive onto Lay’s erection.
Tonight was Kai’s night, right? Would it be okay if he asked Kai for sex? Opening his mouth, he looked up at Kai.
Immediately, Kai met his eyes.
Embarrassment washed over him and the potential for words died in his throat. Coughing, he looked away again. “Um.” He cleared his throat and pulled his shirt down, trying to hide his hard-on. “Kai-ah, I.” He didn’t know how to do this. He didn’t know what it would be okay to say. He’d worked so hard not to burden his members, not to make sexual demands, that now he didn’t know how to ask for what he wanted. The only way he knew how to make sex with his members happen was to sit in his room and hope that someone would come and offer it to him.
“Hyung?” Kai’s hand rubbed over his shoulder.
“I’ll be in my room,” he mumbled, and he bolted.
Kai narrowed his eyes as he watched Suho hurry out of the room.
He didn’t know what was going on, but Suho was turned on. Suho had just sat down to watch Sehun and Baekhyun like sitting down to watch TV.
If he approached Suho now, he might be shut out; Suho might be too agitated.
Or, Suho might be into it enough to say yes. It was possible, right?
Maybe it would be smarter to wait, but Kai didn’t want to wait. Suho was turned on now, and that pulled on Kai like gravity. Getting up, he stripped out of his sweatshirt as he walked, leaving himself in pants and a tank top.
Suho’s door was open; he was running his hands through his hair and staring at his bed like something was happening to it.
“Suho hyung.” Kai came into the room with a slow, light step. “Do you need anything?”
Turning to him, Suho immediately started drifting toward the bed. “Cl-close the door.”
Oh, hell, yes. Not wasting a second, Kai locked the door. When he wrapped his arm around Suho, Suho moved right in against him, kissing him first. Arousal burned through him and he moaned as their tongues slid against each other. Suho never kissed him first.
“Ah, god.” Groaning, he shuddered as he felt Suho’s hand on him through his pants. Suho never made moves like this, was never this assertive. Fuck, it was amazing.
“Turn off the light,” Suho panted, unzipping his fly. “I want you to fuck me, please, is it okay? Twice, I want it twice, you can do it face-to-face but turn off the light.”
Twice? “Hyung,” he said, amazed, cupping Suho’s face in his hand. He’d never heard Suho talk like this.
Flinching away, Suho pushed his hand down. “It’s too much, I shouldn’t ask-”
“It’s good, it’s good,” he said quickly. Flinging a hand out, he smacked off the light. As the room fell into darkness, he pulled Suho back into his arms. “You can ask me for anything,” he promised, kissing Suho in the faint light of the corner lamp. “I want to give you everything you want.” He wanted to know what was going on, why Suho was acting like this. It was great, it was what he’d wished for, for Suho to be more assertive. “I’ll fuck you twice, I’ll fuck you as many times as you like it, I’ll fuck you all night.”
“Yes,” Suho whispered, kissing him like he was the sexiest guy in the world. “All night, do me all night.”
Disbelieving, Baekhyun leaned closer to the door.
“What are you-”
Hissing, he clamped his hand over Chen’s mouth. “Ssshhh!”
Frowning at him, Chen pushed his hand away. “What are you waiting for?” Chen whispered. “Do we have to stand out here all night? I want to go to bed.”
Baekhyun shook his head, gesturing at their bedroom door. “Suho hyung’s still busy.”
Chen gave him an untrusting look. “Still? Kai went in there hours ago.”
Just then, an anguished, explosive cry rose from their room, followed by, “Oh, please, please, again, again, now, ah, ah, I need it, oh!”
Baekhyun stared at the door.
Chen stared at him.
They shared an incredulous look.
“Don’t tease, please, don’t,” Suho moaned. “Kai-ah, Kai-ah, please, please.”
“We should go,” Chen whispered.
Baekhyun agreed but made no move to leave.
Suho’s long, rapturous wail, “Ooh-aah-haah-haoo-ooh!” made it pretty obvious that whatever he’d been begging for, Kai had just given it to him. God, Baekhyun wanted to see into that room.
“I’ll go sleep in Xiumin hyung’s room,” Chen said.
That was a good idea. Baekhyun would-
“Ahh, whaaa, oh, oh, yes, yes, ooooooohhh!”
-follow his example in another minute or so.
Gah. Suho woke up feeling exhausted. And sore. Rubbing sleep from his eyes, he grimaced, trying to remember what about last night had left him feeling like this. A long practice or-
Wait. That wasn’t dance soreness.
Oh, god. Rapidly becoming more alert, he froze. He’d had sex last night. With Kai. A lot of sex. He’d - - there had been - - images, memories, sensations, flooded him. Everything he’d done last night, everything Kai had done to him, all of it.
Swallowing, he grabbed his phone from the bedside table, turning off its alarm. He had no idea how to feel about last night. Was it okay if he felt good about it? Okay if he felt great? They’d done so much, but Kai had given him so much, done so much for him, left him feeling so complete, so sated. It was embarrassing to look back on, now, but at the time, it had felt like Kai had given him everything that he’d needed.
It was rare for him to feel so completely satisfied. Even when the sex was great, he usually wanted more of it. Last night, he’d asked for more, and Kai had done that for him. He’d opened up and told Kai what his body craved, and Kai had made sure that he had it. It felt like a huge leap of faith, but Kai had been there for him, sturdy as a rock.
He had text messages.
L: Hyung, how was it? Did you see what you wanted to see?
Changjo: Suho hyung. How’s Kai hyung this morning? Did he work hard yesterday?
Smiling to himself, flooded with love and gratitude, he rolled over. Asleep beside him, Kai took up all of the mattress space, graceful limbs bare and muscular. Running his thumb over Kai’s cheek, he wanted to drop a kiss on Kai’s mouth.
Could last night happen again? Could he keep asking for what he needed? Could he trust his members to help him, to satisfy him, to let him know if he asked for too much?
He snuck a quick glance over his shoulder; the other two beds were empty. Snuggling up to Kai, intimately close in a way he never moved in the daylight, he whispered, “Kai-goon.” Kai had left his bed to wash up late last night - - early this morning - - and the spicy clean of Kai’s scent lured him in. “My Kai,” he whispered, caressing Kai’s hard chest. The pink of Kai’s nipple was irresistible, and he ducked his head, kissing it.
As he raised his head, Kai’s hand slid into his hair. Their eyes met just as Kai’s lashes were lowering, and then they kissed, and it felt so wonderful, so natural, so right. Moaning without meaning to, he rolled on top of Kai.
“The door’s not locked,” Kai breathed.
“I’ll be quick,” he panted, sliding down and pulling the sheet over his head.
November 3, 2014
by Matthew Haldeman-Time