|Debut: 2012, Jellyfish Entertainment
Fan club: Starlight
|Name||Real name||Birth date||Role|
|N||Cha Hakyeon||June 30, 1990||leader|
|Leo||Jung Taekwoon||November 10, 1990||singer|
|Ken||Lee Jaehwan||April 6, 1992||singer|
|Ravi||Kim Wonshik||February 15, 1993||rapper|
|Hongbin||Lee Hongbin||September 29, 1993||visual|
|Hyuk||Han Sanghyuk||July 5, 1995||maknae|
“Hi, hyung!” Hyuk called from the kitchen.
There were no other replies, and no one came to see what he’d brought. Puzzled, Ken set the bag on the kitchen counter. “Where are the members?” he asked as Hyuk started rummaging through the bag.
“You know,” Hyuk said. “Oh, choco pie!” Grinning in delight, he started to open it.
“Bad maknae,” Ken scolded, taking it from him and slapping his hand. “You can’t eat by yourself.” Still wondering where the members were, he left the kitchen.
That was when he noticed that both bedroom doors were shut and that a bandanna hung on each doorknob. “Aw, really?”
“Can we eat?” Hyuk asked. “Should we wait?”
Ken looked at the doors, then down at his own stomach. “I wanted Leo hyung to cook.”
“Leo hyung!” Hyuk shouted. “Leo hyung, will you cook for us?”
Laughing, shushing him, Ken covered his mouth with one hand. “Are you stupid?”
“Leo hyung!” Hyuk called, laughing and ducking Ken’s hand. “We’re hungry!”
“Shut up! Shut up!” Ken protested, chasing him as he feinted and dodged.
“Leo hyung! Ken hyung wants you to cook!”
“Ya!” N’s voice shouted from behind a bedroom door. “Do you want to die?!”
Laughing, shushing each other, they clutched at each other, snickering and cowering. When time passed and there were no other outbursts, they decided that it was safe. “Let’s eat,” Ken said, pulling Hyuk to the kitchen. “I’m hungry. Let’s not wait.”
Knowing that it was a bad idea but feeling compelled to do it anyway, Ken got up and walked to the open bedroom door.
The lights were off, but after a moment of squinting, Leo was visible. He was on his back, one arm thrown over his forehead. Ken couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or not, but one thing was definitely obvious: he was naked. He looked especially long sprawled out like that, and the black patch of hair at his groin stood out against his pale skin.
The temptation to flip on the lights was so strong that Ken had to scrub his hand against his thigh.
Leo’s voice was quiet. “Go.”
Hurt, embarrassed, Ken crossed his arms over his chest and shifted his weight. Feeling defensive, he rubbed one foot over the other. Go, go for what? He wasn’t doing anything. Maybe he was looking, but he’d seen Leo naked plenty of times before. “You should have waited until after we ate.”
Leo didn’t reply.
Swallowing, Ken leaned a shoulder against the doorjamb. He should leave. What was he doing, just standing there?
“Jung Leo!” N called from somewhere behind him. “Eat!”
Slowly, Leo got up and pulled on a pair of black sweatpants. Tugging on a black tank top, he ran his hand through his hair and left the bedroom. He walked right past Ken without a word.
Closing his eyes, Ken rubbed his hand over his mouth.
He had to stop being like this. He had to stop…
He could hear the other members talking. N fussing. Hyuk laughing. Just another night. Just another evening Leo had fucked N and didn’t want him.
It took a moment before he could school his expression. Taking a deep breath, he smiled and walked out to the kitchen, slinging an arm around N’s shoulders. “How is it, hyung? Delicious?” He joined in the conversation, laughing, teasing. Just another night.
The only member Leo had sex with was N. He was closest with N, he felt comfortable with N, and they had sex whenever they were both in the mood. There had been one day, about a month after they’d debuted, when N had been worried that it would upset the other members, and the kids had said no, said that they understood, said that they didn’t feel insulted. Everyone had been okay with it, and Ken hadn’t wanted to be the only one fussing, so he’d said, “It’s okay, hyung. Leo hyung’s too scary,” and everyone had laughed, and that had been it.
Ken had thought - - hoped - - that after some time passed, Leo would feel comfortable enough with them to have sex with them, too. At least make out with them. Something. But there had been nothing, no change. Did Leo not trust them? Did Leo not want them? It didn’t make sense. What was so different about N? Just because they were the same age? Just because N was the leader?
If it didn’t bother the other members, it shouldn’t bother Ken either, right? He shouldn’t mind it. He shouldn’t feel uncomfortable when Leo wrapped an arm around N’s waist and whispered in N’s ear. He shouldn’t feel unhappy when Leo pulled N into the bedroom. He shouldn’t feel so sick with envy when he saw Leo and N asleep together, Leo against N’s back, Leo’s arm across N’s waist, Leo so sexy and comfortable and cute and relaxed with his head tucked against the back of N’s neck.
He shouldn’t feel so hurt when he moved in for a kiss and Leo pushed him away. It was just a joke, right? The other members thought it was funny.
Leo’s knees came up, dumping him onto the floor.
“Unh.” Ken leaned against the couch, his head on Leo’s hip. “So hungry. I hope we eat well.”
“Chicken,” Leo said.
“Chicken,” Ken repeated. “Chicken.” Raising his voice, he called, “N hyung! Chicken!”
“Yes! Chicken!” Hyuk agreed.
“Okay!” N called back. “Chicken!”
N came over and sat on his back until he whined enough that Hyuk dragged N off of him. Slumping against him, N talked to Ravi for a while. Ken pretended to sleep, and then he thought that he might actually be asleep, and then N said, “Ah, Leo.”
“Come,” Leo said.
“No,” N said. “Ah, really?” Feeling N lift away from his side, Ken looked up to see Leo trying to drag N off of him. “Aw, Leo, I’m tired,” N moaned, hanging slack as Leo pulled at his hands.
“I’ll do it, hyung!” Ken waved, rolling back enough to wrap an arm around N’s waist. “I’m not tired!”
Looking at N with determination, Leo tugged him upward.
“Ya, Jung Leo,” N fussed.
“Me! I’ll do it!” Ken volunteered again cheerfully.
Leaning down, Leo tucked his face against N’s ear and whispered something.
“Really,” N said. He started to push Ken’s arm away from his waist.
“No, you’re tired, hyung,” Ken said, twisting N’s shirt in his grip. “Leo hyung shouldn’t bother you while you’re tired. I’ll do it.”
“It’s okay,” N said, grasping Leo’s hand and getting up, shaking Ken off.
“Have fun, hyungs,” Hyuk said from the kitchen.
Leo went into the bedroom, N following behind. A moment later Hongbin came out, tied a bandanna around the doorknob and closed the door. Laughing, Hongbin said, “Don’t go in there for a while.”
“What’s wrong?” Ravi hooked his chin over Ken’s shoulder, his arm heavy across Ken’s back.
“Nothing.” He cupped his chin in his hands and glared at the closet door. “Isn’t it weird that Leo hyung only fucks N hyung?”
Annoyed, he elbowed Ravi in the ribs. While Ravi coughed and fell aside and protested, “Hyung!” he sat up and said, “It isn’t right. We should all share together.”
“Leo hyung thinks that sex is private,” Ravi said. “That’s why he doesn’t do anything where we can see it. That’s why he leaves the room if we start too much.”
Ken had noticed that, but he hadn’t really understood it. “You think that’s why he only fucks N hyung?”
Ravi nodded. “He only wants one person. He thinks it gets complicated with too many people. He says it’s more comfortable with one.”
“Really?” This was all completely new information; Ken felt like he couldn’t listen fast enough. “He said that?”
“Yeah. I asked him why he didn’t want to do anything with the rest of us, just once, and he said he only wants one at a time. It’s comfortable that way.”
“Then why N hyung?” Ken asked, and Ravi laughed. Liking that he’d made Ravi laugh, he grinned and added, “Just one, and it’s N hyung? Shouldn’t it be Hongbin? Just one, all of this time, and it’s that hyung?”
Laughing, Ravi pushed at his thigh. “N hyung’s not bad.”
“No?” Ken made a doubtful face, and Ravi cracked up.
But Leo liked things a certain way. Maybe Leo cared more about having things done the way he liked it than about variety. By now, N probably knew everything Leo wanted.
Ken could understand it if he thought about it like a rack of interesting new designer clothes versus a familiar old shirt. Or a pair of broken-in shoes. That was probably what Leo meant by “comfortable.” N was broken in, N fit.
But. Did it have to be N? Couldn’t someone else learn what Leo liked?
Squished between N and the back of the couch, Ken played with N’s nipples, making them talk, until N laughed and slapped his hand away. Splaying his hand over N’s hipbone instead, he asked, “Do you like sex with Leo hyung?”
“Yes.” N nudged Ken’s knee out of his way and tucked his foot behind Ken’s calf. “It’s good, I like it.”
“What if Leo hyung stopped having sex with you and only had sex with one of the other members, instead?”
“Oh?” N nodded. “It’s okay. It would be good for the members.”
Ken could hardly believe what he was hearing. “You don’t care?”
“Care about what?”
Ken smacked his thigh, then his shoulder. “About no more sex with Leo hyung!”
“I’d miss it,” N said. “But he fucks for too long. I like to finish and go. He keeps going. It’s annoying.”
Ken knew that N was impatient. It was one of the reasons he had fun with N, always switching positions, trying something different. But was he kidding? “He keeps going? That’s your complaint? That’s a problem? You get too much sex?”
“It’s annoying!” N insisted, laughing. “My legs get tired!” Fixing Ken’s bangs, he wore a thoughtful look. “Would Leo switch, do you think? Another member? Would Hyuk like it?”
“Hyuk?” Ken demanded. “What Hyuk? Why Hyuk? Me!” he insisted as N shook with laughter against him. “I’m the member!”
“You!” N flicked him between the eyes.
“Ya! Hyung!” Grimacing, Ken rubbed his forehead.
“Are you stupid?” N asked. “You and Jung Leo?”
“He’d like it!” Ken smiled, giving a cute pose. “Doesn’t hyung think I’m good?”
“Good?” N sneered in mock disgust. “Good at what?”
“Ya!” Pretending to be insulted, he lightly chopped at N’s neck with the side of his hand. “I give good head, anyway.”
“Leo likes that too much,” N grumbled. “It can’t be good for my throat.”
“It’s great for my throat!” Ken exclaimed. “It’s like medicine!”
“Medicine!” Laughing, N pulled away from him, almost falling off of the couch. “What’s wrong with you?”
“It’s the best!” Ken insisted, and licked his lips lasciviously. “Yum yum!”
“Ah!” Pushing him back, N hopped up. “So embarrassing!”
Sitting up, Ken took N’s hand, kissing the back of it. “Tell Leo hyung he should switch to me.”
“You tell him,” N said, trying to pull his hand free.
Ken hung on, dotting N’s knuckles with kisses. “Please, hyung? Please?” He widened his eyes and tried to bat his lashes.
“Ugh!” Laughing, N dislodged his grip, dancing away. “We’ll talk to him together.”
Feeling victorious, Ken jumped up and planted a celebratory kiss on N’s lips. “Thank you!” He hugged N close. “If Leo hyung stops having sex with you, I’ll have more sex with you to make up for it!”
It had occurred to him, fleetingly, that he might be doing all of this worrying for nothing. That he might not even enjoy sex with Leo. What if he finally got what he wanted, and it was terrible?
Oh, well, sex wasn’t a miracle every time. And if Leo was bad, N wouldn’t have put up with it all of this time, anyway. N was too picky for that. Besides, the way N had described it - - going on for too long, too much cocksucking - - was exactly what Ken liked best. He couldn’t even understand N saying that Leo liked getting head “too much.” There was no “too much,” when it came to that.
He tried to keep his distance from Leo, so that Leo wouldn’t be annoyed with him. He needed Leo to be agreeable for their conversation. But he was so excited that he felt twice as friendly as usual, talking and joking about everything in sight. He finally had to pull Hyuk aside for some personal time, and even when they’d finished, he felt giddy and nervous.
That night, in the dorm, Leo was in the bedroom, stretched out on his blankets, monitoring their morning’s performance. Hongbin and Hyuk were sitting beside him, leaning over his shoulder to watch with him. Pulling Ken into the room, N said, “Hyungs need to talk.”
Hyuk got up and pulled Hongbin to his feet, and the kids left. Ken nudged the door closed while N said, “Leo. Leo. Leo’s back, I have to talk to Leo’s face.”
Sighing, Leo sat up and shook his hair out of his eyes before staring up at them with no expression whatsoever.
“So chic,” Ken said, grinning and sitting down.
“You won’t like this,” N said, joining them on the floor, “but don’t run away.”
“That’s not the way!” Ken scolded. “You’re going to like it,” he told Leo. “It’s fun! It’s the best!”
Leo started to leave.
“Ya!” N grabbed at him, Ken catching his wrist and helping to haul him back down. “I said you can’t go!”
Submitting, Leo sighed, sitting down again but looking longingly at the door.
“Okay.” N fixed his hair. “You only have sex with one person at a time-”
Leo was up again. Laughing, Ken helped N to corral him until he was seated again. This time, they sat closer to him, trying to hem him in.
“Stay,” N ordered, pressing both hands over Leo’s thigh. “You only have sex with one person at a time, but it doesn’t have to be me.”
Leo gave N his scary, intense stare.
Covering Leo’s eyes with one hand, N continued, “There are six members, and-”
Shoving N’s hand away, Leo asked, “Do you want to die?”
“What if you couldn’t fuck N hyung anymore?” Ken asked. “Couldn’t you fuck another member?”
“Hongbin,” Leo said. Then he shook his head. “Hyuk.” Then he shook his head again. “Hongbin.”
“What about Ken?” N asked.
Ken smiled, his heart clogging his throat.
Leo shook his head. “No.”
This was humiliating. Ken couldn’t be here anymore. He got up and made it to the door before he heard N call his name. His face was hot and his eyes were stinging, so he didn’t stop. He made it to the front door before Hyuk asked where he was going, and then he was in the hallway.
He’d left his shoes behind, but he didn’t want to go back. He felt like he’d left his heart and his hopes and his pride behind, too. In the elevator, he wiped at his face and tried to laugh at himself, but it came out pitiful and rusty.
Once he was outside, he felt even more stupid than he had sitting there in front of Leo. Where did he think he was going? What did he think he was doing? Well, he was out of the dorm, so he should make the most of it, right?
He should’ve brought his shoes.
He should’ve not been so stupid and foolish. He should’ve kept his ideas to himself and not said anything. He should’ve known that Leo wouldn’t want him. He had known, he’d just - - he’d hoped. Well, he wouldn’t make that mistake again, right?
Chuckling - - it sounded bitter this time - - he started off down the sidewalk. He’d gotten about a block when he heard, “Ken hyung! Ken hyung!” It would be embarrassing to try to run away, so he stopped and turned, trying to look cool, wishing that his pants had pockets so he could pose with his hands in his pockets.
Catching up to him, Hyuk put an arm around him, and Hongbin came up a second later, panting. “Where are you going?!”
“What are you kids doing out here?” Ken asked. An arm around each of them, he steered them back up the sidewalk. “Coming out like this, you’ll catch a cold.”
“You aren’t wearing shoes,” Hyuk pointed out.
“Are you okay?” Hongbin asked. “Where were you going?”
“It’s a nice night for a walk,” he said in his Kenjumma voice. “It’s important to get out and get some fresh air, kids.” They started laughing and he smiled, feeling better. “When you’re my age, you need to get some exercise. I can’t sit around playing those computer games all day like you!”
They teased and joked in the elevator. As they walked back into the dorm, Ken wrapped his arms around Hyuk from behind, using the maknae as a protective barrier.
Ravi was standing in the middle of the dorm, ruffling his hair with one hand, looking perplexed. “What’s going on? Everybody’s yelling, leaving. Where did you go?”
“Ken hyung went for a walk,” Hongbin said.
“Without shoes,” Hyuk added.
“This has all been a dream,” Ken said, stepping out from behind Hyuk and waving his hands in front of Ravi’s face. He stared into Ravi’s eyes and wiggled his fingers. “You saw nothing. You heard nothing. It was all a dream. Oooohhh, oohhh, just a dream.” Everybody was cracking up; he struggled to keep a straight face. “Go back to sleep,” he whispered. “Sleep, Ravi, sleep.”
“Hyung’s so stupid,” Ravi said, laughing and pushing at his hands.
“You’re back,” N said, appearing in the doorway. He didn’t look very happy. “Are you okay?”
“Do you want to talk?” N asked, still looking too serious.
Talk about what? About how he’d humiliated himself? “We woke up Ravi! Can you believe it?” He bowed to Ravi, feigning humility. As soon as he was up, he bowed again. “Sorry, Ravi-sshi. Hyung’s sorry. Please forgive us.”
“It’s okay,” Ravi said, laughing. “Stop that!”
“Poor sleepy Ravi baby,” Ken said in his Kenjumma voice, patting at Ravi’s arms. “Let’s put you back to bed. Kenjumma will tuck you in. Do you want a lullaby?”
“Yes,” Hyuk said. “Sing Ravi hyung a lullaby.”
By the time Ken finally tucked Ravi in, the serious look was gone from N’s eyes.
Leo didn’t leave the bedroom for the rest of the night, and by the time Ken went to bed, the lights were off.
N seemed pissed off at Leo, which was weird and seemed to unnerve the kids. He barely said a word to Leo all day, and when he did, he snapped. It was rough to see the hyungs fighting, and Ken felt guilty. Wasn’t this his fault? Should he apologize?
Ken wondered what Ravi had meant last night by, “Everybody’s yelling.” Had that just meant N calling after Ken? Had Hyuk and Hongbin called out loudly before chasing after him? Or had N and Leo yelled at each other?
Ken felt weird and tense and unhappy all day. He kind of wanted to cry, and he felt like he should apologize, and even making out with Hongbin didn’t make him feel better. When they got back to the dorm, he went straight into the bedroom and curled up on his blankets. Maybe sleep would help. Maybe he’d feel better when he woke up. Maybe everything would be better tomorrow.
He heard the other members walking around the dorm, talking to each other. He heard Hongbin asking if he was okay; he heard N say, “He’s fine. Let’s let him rest.” And then he must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew, someone was shaking his shoulder.
Leo’s soft voice. “Wake up.”
He couldn’t imagine what Leo wanted. He was really sure about what Leo didn’t want from him, though. Sitting up, he rubbed at his eyes; Leo had turned the lights on. “What?” He didn’t feel like looking at Leo, so he looked around instead. They were alone and the door was closed. Why was the door closed? “The door?” Leo didn’t answer, so he finally looked at Leo.
Leo was looking to one side, somewhere around Ken’s shoulder. His lips moved slightly, like he was about to speak, and then he met Ken’s eyes. He looked so earnest that Ken felt that pang in his chest that only Leo could put there. “I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” Leo licked his lips. “I should have thought more about your feelings. I’ll work to be a better hyung and a nicer member in the future.”
Ken felt weird and emotional, but he smiled to push all of that aside. “It’s okay.” He was surprised that Leo would apologize to him. He wondered if N had made him do it. “It sounded good. Did you practice saying it a lot?”
Leo lightly struck the side of his neck. “I’m apologizing.”
Whether it had been N’s idea or not, it took away some of the sting of what had happened. “Thank you.” He wondered if Leo would switch to having sex with one of the other members from then on, or if Leo would stick with N. He didn’t ask; he really didn’t want to find out that Leo was moving on to Hongbin, and Leo probably wouldn’t have answered, anyway. “Can I go back to sleep now? Is there anything else you want to talk about first? Do you want to apologize for anything else?”
Leo drew one leg up, hugging his knee. “Do you want to?”
“What?” Was that a complete question? “Do I want to what? Do you want to?”
Blushing, Leo ducked his head, which was so adorable that Ken laughed. Looking embarrassed, Leo met his eyes again. “Do you want to have sex?”
What?! “Hyung?” Ken’s voice came out so high, he coughed. “What are you asking me?” He couldn’t believe that Leo had just asked him that! He must have heard it wrong.
Leo was starting to look annoyed. “You heard.”
What was this about? Why would Leo ask him that? “You don’t want me.” It wasn’t fun to announce out loud, but it was true, and Ken had lied to himself for too long about the possibility that it might be different. “Did N hyung tell you to ask me?”
Leo shook his head. He hesitated the way he did when he was trying to decide how to say what he wanted to say, so Ken tried to be quiet and let him get it out. “I want to. Let’s try. I want to know what it’s like with you.” Then he gave Ken an intense, warning look. “Don’t talk about it. If you joke about it with the other members, we can’t.”
This couldn’t actually be happening. If it was happening, it was amazing. He stared at Leo for a moment to make sure that this was really Leo and not some weird clone. Then he pantomimed zipping his lips shut and flopped backward across the blankets, flinging his arms wide to signal that he was Leo’s for the taking.
Right to business, Leo crawled directly on top of him, sliding a hand under his shirt and up his side. Immediately turned on, Ken ran his hands up Leo’s arms. Leo had never been on top of him without pretending to threaten his life before. This was so, so, so much better. Quickly unzipping his lips, he smiled up at Leo. “Hyung?”
“What?” Leo was pushing up his shirt and looking at his body like someone who had never seen his chest before. Loving the attention but feeling self-conscious, he shifted nervously, happily, as Leo’s thumb rubbed over his abs.
“I won’t talk to anyone. I promise.” He grinned, running his hands over Leo’s thighs, tantalizing himself with the idea of stroking Leo’s ass. “Can I talk to you? After? I have to talk to somebody! If I can’t talk to the members, let me talk to you.”
Leo’s palm was rubbing smoothly over his torso, turning him on and making him warm all over. “Okay.” Leo kissed him.
Twisting around to see what Leo was up to, Ken found himself gazing down into a heart-stopping, sexy smile. Leo looked friendly and happy to see him and focused. Very focused. On him. Licking his lips, Ken forgot what he’d been talking about and why he was kneeling on the counter. “Hyung?”
“Oh,” N said. “Oh, it’s time.”
Leo gave N an annoyed look and stepped closer, his body against Ken’s thigh, his hand sliding over Ken’s stomach. Turned on, Ken gave a little shiver and leaned down to hear as Leo whispered, “I want to fuck you. Do you want it?”
Ken blinked, coughing. That was what Leo had been whispering to N all of this time? Right there, in N’s ear, “Can I fuck you?” Practically falling off the counter in his hurry to get down, he said, “Yes. Yes, okay.” He banged his knee against the counter and Leo took his hand, leading him to the bedroom. “Yes,” he said again as he followed Leo into the room, just so there was no doubt. “Yes!”
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July 18, 2013
by Matthew Haldeman-Time