After Last Time
I write about men having sex with other men. You must be eighteen or older to read my fiction. This site is for consenting, responsible adults only.
“Ooohhhh, unh, yeah,” Chunji breathed as tremors of pleasure raced through him. “Ooohh, touch me, open me up, unh, get me ready for your fat cock.”
Xiumin’s fingers slid into him, probing and - - ooo - - stretching. “Ah, ah,” he gasped, his hips jerking as Xiumin hit the sweet spot. With Xiumin, lube wasn’t the last step before the real thing, wasn’t a roadblock to plow through to get to the good stuff; it was part of sex, part of a process, and Xiumin knew exactly how to make it feel good, how to get him worked up, his blood pumping, his body craving penetration.
“Come on, hyung, yeah,” he moaned. “Get me wet, spread me open, oh.”
“So hot, so good,” Xiumin whispered, and Chunji’s head tipped to one side as Xiumin kissed the back of his neck. Steady, caressing, stretching fingers; soft, warm, seductive kisses. Moaning again, he shivered, pleasure sparking up and down his spine. “I can’t wait to be inside you.”
“Yeah, get inside of me. Oouuunnh, oh, oh.” As he rubbed his own cock, he felt turned on, impatient, and he rocked his hips back, pushing against Xiumin’s hand. “Fill me up, put it in me, get your cock in me, do it.”
“Hhnn, god.” Xiumin was working him open with wicked, clever fingers, and the stretch in his ass was making his body shake with erotic tension. “When you move like that, all I want to do is fuck your hot ass.”
“Oohhh, yes, fuck me,” Chunji moaned, gripping the headboard, his hands curving over the top and holding on. “Get it in me, fuck me hard.”
When Chunji came back from EXO’s dorm, he was in a great mood. He laughed at everything and he wore a smug smile that made C.A.P. want to punch him. Or hug him.
The other members were jealous that Chunji got to see Xiumin privately and they didn’t. Well, L.Joe didn’t have much to say about it, but the kids were pissed off. C.A.P. wasn’t jealous, but he did have something on his mind.
He didn’t want to say anything about it, because he didn’t want to piss Chunji off, but he felt like he should say something. If it had been one of the other members, he would’ve said it already, and that bothered him, because why was he holding back? Why was he putting it off?
So, that night, he sat on Chunji’s bed. Chunji was getting undressed; L.Joe was asleep in the other bed, tucked up against Niel’s long, satiny back. C.A.P. rubbed his eyes and leaned back against Chunji’s pillow and said, “You’ve been seeing Xiumin hyung a lot.”
“Yeah?” Chunji smirked and didn’t say anything else about it.
“Yeah. Maybe you should be careful.”
Naked to the waist, Chunji started on his fly. “Careful about what?” His smirk said that there was no need to be careful; he could handle whatever happened.
“You know. After last time. We don’t want things to go wrong.”
Chunji froze. His hands froze on his fly, his expression kind of froze into a tense mask, and he asked, too slowly, “After last time?”
Chunji’s eyebrow flickered, a quick up-and-down. On Ricky, that flicker meant, “Hunh, let me rethink this.” On Chunji, that flicker meant, “Warning, warning, warning, you are about to risk life and limb, you are about to anger Chunji, back up, back up, save yourself.”
C.A.P. sighed, sitting up straighter, reluctantly accepting the fact that this conversation might not go well. “You know what happened last time you got too involved with somebody. Things got messed up between you and Dongwoo hyung, and suddenly all of the rest of us couldn’t see Infinite anymore. If things get messed up between you and Xiumin hyung, are all of the rest of us going to have to stop seeing EXO? I’m not ready for that. That’s not fair to us, it’s not fair to the rest of EXO, and what about L.Joe? Does he have to stop seeing Sehun?” Chunji’s expression was warning him that he was about to die. “I’m just saying, I don’t want the same thing to happen this time.”
Chunji’s nostrils flared. Not the surprised flare or the turned on flare or the “hey do I smell food give me some” flare. Not even the angry flare. No, this was the “I see now that I will have to burn down your home and destroy everyone you love” flare. His eyes narrowed, his lip curled, and he looked like he was about to throw himself onto the bed and rip out C.A.P.’s entrails with his own bare hands.
Suddenly feeling exhausted, C.A.P. sighed again. Did this have to be a whole big thing? “I’m not trying to piss you off, I’m just-”
Chunji turned and walked away.
“God damn it,” C.A.P. muttered to himself. “Chunji! Chunji!”
Chunji was gone.
“Lee Chanhee!” C.A.P. shouted.
In the other bed, L.Joe twitched, looking around blearily.
God damn it. C.A.P. didn’t feel like getting up and chasing Chunji down. Resting his head on Chunji’s pillow, he decided to let Chunji take some time to cool off. He’d made his point; he’d deal with Chunji’s anger in the morning.
A maknae yelped; a door slammed. Hunh, convenient. “C’mere,” C.A.P. said.
“What’s wrong with Chunji hyung?” Ricky demanded, coming into the room naked. “He kicked me out of my own bed.”
“Don’t worry about it,” C.A.P. said, pulling his cock out. “He’s just pissed off. You can sleep with me.”
Sitting on the bed, Ricky gave him an amused, knowing look. “Sleeping is what you have in mind?”
He grinned, fondling himself. “Well, you gotta put my cock to sleep, first.”
Like last time. Like last time. Like last time.
The words circled Chunji’s brain in a constant refrain that obscured all other thoughts. His ideas on all other subjects became cloudy and vague. All he could think about was what C.A.P. had said. And how angry he was. And how much he was going to make C.A.P. pay.
C.A.P. had hoped that after sleeping it off, Chunji would get over it. Or that work would distract Chunji from what had happened.
He’d been wrong about that. Chunji wasn’t getting over it, and Chunji wasn’t forgetting.
Like last time.
Last time. With Infinite. With Dongwoo.
Chunji couldn’t believe that C.A.P. would bring it up so lightly, so casually. He couldn’t believe that C.A.P. would sit there on his bed and tell him to - - talk to him like - - holy fuck, his whole head erupted into angry flames every time he thought about it. How could C.A.P. just bring it up like that? And compare then to now? And chastise him like he was some stupid child!
What had happened then had nothing to do with what was going on now. Nothing! Absolutely fucking nothing, it was nothing like that, he was nothing like that, it felt nothing like that, and he couldn’t believe that C.A.P. didn’t see that! He couldn’t believe that C.A.P. didn’t know him any better than that! He felt betrayed by it, felt like C.A.P. didn’t know him at all, felt like C.A.P. didn’t even understand what had gone on back then.
How could C.A.P. not see the difference? The difference between Dongwoo and Xiumin, the difference in how Chunji felt about them? The difference in how he acted around them? C.A.P. couldn’t see that, at least?
No. No, and what had he expected? C.A.P. wasn’t observant, wouldn’t pick up nuances, didn’t notice that kind of thing. And didn’t care enough about him to try, obviously. That was what pissed him off the most about this, that C.A.P. didn’t know him at all and didn’t give enough of a fuck about him to want to.
The only thing C.A.P. cared about was his own sex life. When he could get laid and how often. And Chunji’s personal life, sex life, love life, the ups and downs of Chunji’s emotions, the back and forth of Chunji’s heart, might interfere with that, so C.A.P. had to make sure that didn’t happen. Couldn’t let a pesky little thing like Chunji’s feelings get in the way of C.A.P.’s boner!
What if he did feel the same way about Xiumin that he’d felt about Dongwoo? What if he had been falling in - - falling for - - becoming interested? What if there had been some kind of spark there? C.A.P. couldn’t even pretend to care. Just don’t mess this up for me, kid. You might be falling in love or developing a crush or finding a new boyfriend or whatever, but hold off on that, okay? I have somewhere that I want to put my cock, and I don’t want you to get in the way.
Chunji hated C.A.P. so much that he couldn’t even focus his anger. Everyone around him looked like a target. So he took it out on all of them.
C.A.P. couldn’t take it anymore. He’d tried to give Chunji space and time to cool off, because once in a while that actually worked, but this time it wasn’t helping. It was just giving Chunji more room to destroy them.
They were living under siege. Chunji couldn’t walk across a room without “accidentally” bruising someone. He’d trip over one member, but that was just an excuse to set him up to crash hard into a second member. His pointy elbows and sharp knees were dangerous weapons, and anyone stupid enough to sit on the floor got a crushing foot to the balls. Pretending to fall, he’d catch himself by digging his nails into the softest flesh available.
He spat in their food. He spat in their drinks. When Changjo’s Gatorade suddenly tasted suspicious, they all got paranoid, and they were afraid to touch any drink they hadn’t kept fully supervised. Yeah, sports drinks always tasted a little bit like piss anyway, but did they really want to take the chance?
He wouldn’t talk to them. He talked the stylist into shaving C.A.P.’s head again. When they went out for an afternoon to get away from him, they came back to find that he’d “cleaned” the dorm by throwing things away. Things like some of C.A.P.’s favorite clothing.
Chunji had stopped having sex with C.A.P. That was a given. But Chunji had also talked to their manager about how distracted they seemed and how the team needed to focus, and now no one was allowed to have sex. Their manager made them go right to bed without messing around first. If they tried to sneak in some quick sex, Chunji told on them and got them punished.
Then Chunji made sure that L.Joe’s upcoming date with Sehun was canceled. All of a sudden did C.A.P. not only have Chunji’s wrath to deal with, he was also celibate, and he also had a furious, sullen, sexually needy L.Joe on his hands.
Chunji walked around with “fuck you” in his eyes. He’d stroll past Niel, pluck the phone out of Niel’s hands, and casually hurl it across the room and keep walking. He’d get up from the table, tip over Ricky’s bowl of cereal, and walk away. He’d finish his water bottle by pouring it onto Changjo.
He started talking to their parents and either hinting at things or outright lying, until their parents were on the phone demanding answers, worrying and scolding and insisting on personal visits.
He told Andy that Changjo was too close to Suho and it was starting to be a problem, that Ricky wasn’t working hard enough and had been totally undisciplined lately, that Niel was getting too big of an ego and was trying to run the team, that L.Joe was too distracted by Sehun and maybe putting them together had been a mistake, and that C.A.P. was a lazy, irresponsible, unfocused leader.
Their lives were hell. C.A.P. had management breathing down his neck, his members were completely stressed out, and he couldn’t get laid. No sex! No. Sex. On top of that, Chunji couldn’t pick up a pair of chopsticks without gouging someone with them.
C.A.P. had to do something. Before L.Joe completely lost it. Before Niel started to show the strain onstage. Before Ricky collapsed from compensating for being told that he wasn’t working hard enough. Before Changjo got fed up enough to start retaliating.
Chunji shoved another pair of C.A.P.’s black pants into the washing machine, on top of C.A.P.’s black denim jacket and a dark blue sweater. He added in some detergent, poured in a big splash of bleach, and closed the lid.
Satisfied, he went to his room. Stretching out on his bed, he opened his laptop. He had photos of C.A.P. and L ready to go, a mixture of fan-taken shots and more private photos the public had never seen. He’d mentally composed what he wanted to say. Minsoo & Myungsoo? What happened to our MyungMin couple? Born in the same year, they look so comfortable together. Simple, innocent, just enough to stir up a little interest. Now, did he want to post it on a fake fan account on Teen Top’s fan café, or on one of C.A.P.’s fan sites?
He didn’t look up at the sound of C.A.P.’s voice. He tapped at the keyboard and pretended to be absorbed in doing something onscreen.
“Really.” C.A.P. was moving in his direction, so he lowered the screen, not wanting C.A.P. to see his little project. When C.A.P. sat on his bed, he tensed his muscles, ready to roll off of the bed and onto his feet on a moment’s notice. “You gotta get over this. I know that you’re sensitive about what happened with Dongwoo hyung, but you’re going way too far. Going to Andy hyung and saying that Ricky’s not working hard enough? Interfering with L.Joe and Sehun? You gotta calm down.”
The instant that C.A.P.’s hand landed on his back, Chunji shot up. Hot with fury, he moved on instinct, and instead of rolling off of the bed altogether, he rolled away just far enough to give himself maneuvering room, and then kicked C.A.P. as hard as he could. Hearing a breathless curse, he twisted to roll off of the bed, but C.A.P. was already reaching for him. Trying to shake C.A.P. off, he kicked again, without looking back, and connected with something solid - - C.A.P.’s shoulder, maybe. “God damn it!” C.A.P. exclaimed, grabbing onto his track pants. “Chunji! Get the - - stop it!”
He was about to slither right out of his pants, but escaping with a bare ass was better than not escaping at all. He kicked quickly now, trying to shimmy out of his pants, walking on his hands across the floor. He’d gotten his knees free and was trying to kick out of the fabric tangled around his ankles-
-when all of a sudden C.A.P.’s full weight came crashing down on him.
Fuck! “No!” Outraged, he twisted around, trying to get enough leverage to punch, to kick. C.A.P. was pinning him down, trying to wrestle him into submission, but he finally had the fight he’d been looking for, and he wasn’t giving in that easily.
“Ow! Ow! Fuck! No teeth!” C.A.P. shouted.
Shit, he hadn’t even drawn blood. He tried again.
“God damn it!” C.A.P.’s hand closed over his throat, constricting his air and forcing his head back against the floor. Gasping and not finding air, he clawed at C.A.P.’s hand. “I will backhand you across your fucking face if you don’t stop it. Now calm down! Stop fighting!”
It was an empty threat; they both knew that C.A.P. wouldn’t dare to risk bruising his face. But if he pretended to give in, he could wait until C.A.P. relaxed and then run for it. So he struggled for another few seconds and then collapsed, glaring at C.A.P. with all of the venom in his heart but not fighting.
Immediately, C.A.P.’s grip lightened. “Okay?”
Scowling, he shoved C.A.P.’s hand away. Sucking in air, he rubbed at his neck like C.A.P. had hurt him. After coughing a few times, he muttered, “Get the fuck off of me! Let me up.” His body was in an uncomfortable twist, half on his back and half on his side, his hips turned, C.A.P. weighing him down and pinning one hand to the floor. His pants bound his ankles together.
“You’re acting like a kid and a bully,” C.A.P. said. “You have to get over it.”
“I’m over it,” he said immediately, meaninglessly. “Let me up.”
“What are you so pissed off about? Is it because I told you to be careful with Xiumin hyung? Is it because I brought up Dongwoo hyung? I know that you don’t want to talk about him, I was just trying to make sure that things don’t turn out like they did last time.”
“I’m not upset. Let me up.”
C.A.P. shook his head. “You’re not getting up until you get over it.”
Oh, so they were going to be there until C.A.P. died? Chunji closed his eyes, taking deep breaths, trying to relax. He had one hand free, and he was going to have to aim it strategically. He didn’t have a good shot at C.A.P.’s balls, and he couldn’t go for the face, so maybe the neck was his best option.
“You don’t like Xiumin hyung, do you?”
Chunji’s eyes flew open. What the fuck? Was C.A.P. serious with this? “Yes, I’m in love with him. I’m in love with Xiumin hyung. I already bought us couple socks.”
“Then what are you being so sensitive about?”
The angry, wounded, furious sound that his frustration wrenched out of him sounded animal. He felt better after having let it out. “How long have you known me that you don’t know anything about me? How can you spend every day with me and not know me any better than you know strangers on the bus? Are you really this stupid? How can someone so stupid be our leader? What kind of person are you?”
“Watch it,” C.A.P. growled.
“Why am I surprised at how stupid you are?” Chunji demanded. “Why should I let it bother me? You don’t know when I like somebody or not. You don’t know when I’m interested in somebody or not. But you’ve never known those things, you’ve always been an ignorant, unobservant prick. You don’t even know when someone likes you!”
C.A.P. frowned at him.
“When did you ever understand that L hyung was in love with you?” Chunji asked. They never, ever talked about this, and he felt courageous and defiant, throwing it in C.A.P.’s face. “When did you finally know it? Before you dumped him? After? Now, do you even realize it now?”
C.A.P.’s expression was confused and hurt for a second, and then it went hard. “We’re not talking about that. This has nothing to do with that. You’re just making shit up as you go to piss me off, and I’m not playing games with you. You’re acting like a brat. I hurt your feelings and now you’re doing everything but setting our beds on fire. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings, now drop it.”
Chunji gazed up at him with a wondering expression. “Did you ever apologize to L hyung? Did you ever tell him that you were sorry? Did you ever acknowledge that you broke his heart?”
C.A.P.’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll apologize to L when you apologize to Dongwoo hyung. How about that?”
Chunji didn’t even think first, just reacted, his fist flying toward C.A.P.’s neck. As C.A.P. doubled over, coughing, he took advantage of the moment to twist out of C.A.P.’s hold, scrambling away. He was halfway across the room and pushing himself up to his feet when C.A.P. tackled him again, bringing him crashing down on the floor.
His cheek was against the dirty floor, one arm pinned beneath himself, one arm wrenched behind his back. C.A.P. was breathing hard against the back of his neck. “I might be the stupidest leader you have, but I’m also the only leader you have, and discipline is up to me. I can take your phone away. I can ground you and keep you in the dorm. I can tie you up. I can spank your butt red. What’s it going to be? Are you going to get your shit together and calm the hell down, or am I going to have to punish you?”
Shit. Shit. “Don’t,” he whispered, trying to tug his wrist out of C.A.P.’s grasp. “Don’t you fucking dare.” Tie him up? Spank him? He’d never forgive C.A.P. for it, never.
“It’s up to you,” C.A.P. said. “Either you drop it right now and it ends tonight, or I’m doing to you what you’ve been doing to us, and I’m going to make your life hell just because I can.”
Chunji squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to drop it. His anger had become so intense that it was part of him now. He couldn’t just let go; how could he just let go? He hadn’t won yet, and without a clear victory, what had it all been for?
“I don’t want to be a hard-ass,” C.A.P. said. “I didn’t want to have to do all of this. I wanted you to stop this shit. I gave you time to get through it. But you’re going way too far, and the kids are losing it. You keep this up one more day, and Changjo’s going to stop seeing you as his hyung and start seeing you as his target, and I’m not putting up with that. This shit ends right now. Do I need to punish you, or is it over?”
Exhaling heavily, Chunji opened his eyes. “Let me up.” He wasn’t going to stay on the floor. He wasn’t going to make a decision while he was pinned down with his pants around his ankles. If he was going to give in, it wasn’t going to be like this. He was an adult, he deserved some dignity.
C.A.P. let go of his wrist and climbed off of him, getting up.
Wincing, rubbing his arm, Chunji sat up. He kept his head down and tried to collect his thoughts, but he was too angry, too resentful, too upset to come up with anything useful or coherent. Getting to his feet, he dragged his pants up. He felt hostile and exhausted. He was horny and he was tired of fighting and he wanted to punch everybody. “I hate you so goddamned much sometimes,” he told C.A.P. “You think I like Xiumin hyung? The way I liked Dongwoo hyung? You can’t tell the difference?”
“I know it’s not the same. I wasn’t saying that it was the same. What are you talking about, can’t tell the difference? I just wanted you to keep in mind that whatever you do with Xiumin hyung affects all of the rest of us, too. Just like we’ve been warning Changjo not to mess up with Suho hyung.”
Oh. Wait, was C.A.P. not as completely unobservant as Chunji had thought? “What’s the difference, then?”
C.A.P. snorted. “Are you kidding? You used to buy new clothes and change outfits ten times and spend five hours in front of the mirror.” He mimed primping in front of a mirror, pouting his lips and patting at his hair and batting his lashes. Chunji felt like laughing for the first time in a while. “You bragged about how much he wanted you, and all you could talk about was how sexy he was and how funny he was and the hilarious thing he’d just texted you. When you saw him around backstage you played it casual, like, ‘Oh, it’s just Dongwoo hyung,’ but when you saw him privately it was the biggest deal ever. When you got back to the dorm, if you’d had sex with him, you’d flirt with the kids and tease them and rub up against them and drop a hundred hints about how amazing the sex was. If you hadn’t had sex with him, you’d come after my dick like you were insatiable, or else you’d climb on top of L.Joe and pound him all night.”
Remembering that, Chunji bit his lip. God, those had been some good times. He never thought about the good parts because he wanted to avoid the bad parts, but he’d had so many good moments, so many good feelings, so much fantastic sex.
“You don’t change clothes for Xiumin hyung. You just.” C.A.P. mimed looking in the mirror again, and smirked. “‘Yeah, I look hot.’ And then you leave. When you come back, you brag about what a great time you had, but it’s just showing off. You don’t talk about ‘Xiumin hyung said this’ and ‘Xiumin hyung said that’ and ‘Xiumin hyung thinks so-and-so.’ Not the same way, anyway. You had stars in your eyes over Dongwoo hyung.” C.A.P. shrugged. “You were kind of embarrassing.”
Chunji couldn’t believe this. “So you know it’s not the same? You know that it’s different?”
“I’m just saying, what you do with Xiumin hyung affects everybody else. That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I mean.”
“Then did you have to warn me, ‘don’t fuck things up like you did last time.’ Like it was all my fault! Like-”
“Hey, I’m not getting into that,” C.A.P. warned, taking a step back. “I don’t want to talk about what happened or whose fault it was. I just don’t want anything to happen this time.”
“If you wanted to stay with Infinite so badly, you could have tried harder. Don’t put everything on me!”
“Tried harder how?” C.A.P. demanded. “Between you throwing a goddamned fit and Sunggyu hyung shutting everything down, what was I supposed to do?”
“Don’t you dare blame me! Don’t! I wasn’t the only person, I’m not the only reason, if you wanted things to work out you could have done something about it!”
C.A.P. glared at him. “I didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t put this on me.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong? Not anything?” he demanded. “Does L hyung know that?”
“Ya!” C.A.P. shoved him, hard, and he stumbled off-balance, catching himself against the bed. “I did what I was supposed to do! We were just friends, it was just sex, it was just a good time. It wasn’t more than that, it wasn’t supposed to be anything more than that. That’s what we agreed on. Just sex, no strings, no complications, and that’s what I did, so don’t look at me!”
Chunji laughed, and it came out too loud, too sharp. “Oh, that’s what we agreed, so that’s all it was? I guess we didn’t follow the rules when we started having feelings for each other! It doesn’t matter what we agreed, hyung, it doesn’t matter how it was supposed to be. Things got complicated. It was complicated for L hyung and it was complicated for Dongwoo hyung and it was sure as hell complicated for me. Maybe if things had been more complicated for you, L hyung wouldn’t hate you so much right now.”
C.A.P.’s expression hardened, his mouth going flat. “Leave him out of it.”
“You came in here, you wanted to talk, let’s talk!” Chunji shouted. They never talked about this, they’d just lived through it and walked away from it and kept going. He wasn’t about to let C.A.P. get away with throwing Dongwoo in his face and setting L off-limits. If they were going to talk about Dongwoo, they were going to talk about L, too, and about C.A.P., about all of it. “Why should I leave him out of it? Why can’t we say L hyung’s name? Are you sensitive about it? Why so sensitive now? You didn’t feel anything about him before, you didn’t have any feelings before.”
Gripping the front of his shirt in both hands, C.A.P. yanked him close, snarling in his face. “You don’t know what I feel.”
There was motion at the door. Chunji saw Niel there, looking worried, and L.Joe drawing him back, pulling him away.
C.A.P. glanced over and grimaced, shoving Chunji away. His feet catching on each other, Chunji landed on the foot of L.Joe’s bed.
Muttering under his breath, C.A.P. turned away, rubbing the back of his neck.
“It’s okay, it’s nothing,” L.Joe said. He came into the room alone and closed the door.
“He was never in love with me,” C.A.P. told the corner. “Maybe he liked me. He liked me,” he corrected himself, dropping the “maybe,” finally being honest about it. “I didn’t think.” He sighed, then groaned, rubbing his hands over his shaved head. “We were close, we were friends, we had a great time together. I liked hanging out with him. I didn’t know he felt that way until, until, until.”
“Until when?” L.Joe asked quietly, studying C.A.P.’s back with watchful eyes.
“Sunggyu hyung said that maybe we shouldn’t go on MT anymore, maybe we shouldn’t see each other like that anymore, all of us. He was so pissed off, he’d never acted like that before. And Chunji was so upset. I thought, okay, we’ll back off for a while, take a little break until everybody calms down a little. Sunggyu hyung canceled MT, and he stopped answering his phone, and he wouldn’t answer my texts, and I thought, okay, it’s over. L wanted to see me, he wanted to meet, but I knew how pissed off Sunggyu hyung was and I had Chunji crying in bed and throwing things at the kids, so I said not now, it’s not a good time. He really wanted to see me, he tried to talk to me backstage. I said it’s a shame that we can’t get together anymore, I’d love to meet again sometime, but it’s kind of weird right now with everyone so upset. He looked at me so weird, he looked so…”
Chunji looked at the floor, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.
C.A.P. cleared his throat. “We couldn’t really say anything, it was the wrong place to talk about it, but. He thought there was something going on between us, like we were starting a relationship, like we were going to be boyfriends or something, and I. I didn’t know, I didn’t think like that. I didn’t know that he did, either. I knew he - - we were close, we got along, I thought we were just having a good time. But he thought that more was going on, and.” He cleared his throat again. “Anyway.”
“Is that the last time you talked about it?” L.Joe asked.
“Yeah. Yeah, that was it.” C.A.P. sniffed once and shifted his weight. “I felt like an asshole, he was so upset, but I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t do anything. One of his members, I don’t even remember which one, that’s weird. One of his members came and took him away, and then we had to perform, and that’s it.”
“And you think it’s my fault,” Chunji said. “You blame me for it.” No way was Chunji accepting that. “It’s not my fault you didn’t care about him. It’s not my fault you didn’t talk to him. I’m not the one who said you couldn’t meet him.” Fuck, he might as well say it. “It’s not my fault you’re shallow and broken.”
C.A.P. spun around, staring at him with more shock than anger. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Casual sex is great, except when that’s the only kind you’re capable of,” Chunji said. “You treat sex like it’s a fun game, and that’s all it ever is. You hardly ever make out first, you just shove your dick in and start pounding. You tell me to kiss L.Joe more often than you kiss me yourself.”
“Why would I have relationship sex with you?” C.A.P. demanded.
“You don’t have sex at all, you have penetration,” Chunji shouted. “We could be blow-up dolls for all you care!”
“What else do you expect?” C.A.P. asked. “What else do you want?” He looked confused and angry, like he was getting a headache.
“This is part of why I liked Dongwoo hyung so much. This is it,” Chunji said. “He had sex with me like he cared about me. He treated me like I was so special and so sexy, I felt incredible when I was with him, I felt like I was valuable.”
“He’s a raunchy pervert!” C.A.P. shouted. “That’s what makes you feel special?”
“I don’t care about the raunchy crap, that’s just fun,” Chunji said. “But he kissed me before and he kissed me after, he kissed my neck and told me how sexy I was, he rubbed my feet and told me how good-looking I was, he texted me just to see if I was taking care of myself. He treated me like I was special, like I mattered to him, like I was worth something. I wasn’t just another guy to him, I wasn’t just another hole to fuck.”
“What the hell, that’s not how I treat you,” C.A.P. said. “I’ve never treated you like that.”
“Look, I’m not - - I like having sex with you, no matter how many other guys we get together with you’re still one of my favorites,” Chunji said. “But Dongwoo hyung gave me something I’d never really had before, and I liked it. I liked him.”
“Were you in love with him?” L.Joe asked.
“No.” He’d never said that he had been, and he hoped that as long as he never admitted to it, it wouldn’t be true. “But I really liked him, a lot, and.” He swallowed, rubbing his thighs, feeling uncomfortable. “He liked me.”
“And you flipped out on him,” C.A.P. said.
Chunji shot C.A.P. a look. L.Joe drifted closer, like he wanted to hear Chunji’s answer. “I didn’t flip out on him. But I… I treated him lightly. He put up with it for a while, so I took advantage of him. He was so easy-going and so understanding, I didn’t take him seriously. And then he got upset, he got angry, he wanted me to be more respectful. I.” Yeah, maybe he had flipped out. “He told me that he liked me, and I.” Scared. He’d gotten scared. “I didn’t want a relationship.” He hadn’t been ready for one. He hadn’t known how to do that. How to be an idol in a relationship, how to balance his professional and private lives, how to be in a committed relationship with an adult. He had to be a responsible adult in his work life; he wasn’t ready for the pressures of being a responsible adult the rest of the time, too. He’d loved the idea of being Dongwoo’s boyfriend, and he’d wanted so badly to say yes, to accept it, to throw himself into it, but it had terrified him, too. “I told him that I wasn’t interested in him that way and I didn’t care about him that much and I’d liked the sex but I didn’t want anything else. And then I stopped seeing him.”
“And curled up in bed and cried,” C.A.P. said. “And screamed at anyone who came near you. And broke shit.”
Chunji glared at C.A.P for a moment, then rolled his eyes and directed his conversation to L.Joe. “He tried to talk to me again. He called me and he texted, and he tried to talk to me backstage, and he came by the dorm.”
“I remember,” L.Joe said.
Chunji had rejected Dongwoo over and over again until finally the calls had stopped. By then, Sunggyu had canceled the upcoming MT, and there was never another one after that. He remembered how Niel had tried to complain about it, and he remembered losing his temper.
“You could have just said yes and been his boyfriend,” C.A.P. said. “It might have worked out.”
“You could have given a damn about L hyung,” Chunji snapped.
“I didn’t know he cared so much!”
“Everyone else did!”
C.A.P. blinked, looking taken aback. “Did you?”
“We all knew,” Chunji said. “We all saw it. He was all about you.” L.Joe nodded.
“I thought.” C.A.P. grimaced. He tried to put his hands in his pockets, realized that his pants were sagging too low for that, and crossed his arms over his chest. “It was supposed to be just for fun. It was just sex, it didn’t mean anything.”
“That’s your problem,” Chunji said. “It’s okay if sex means something to somebody once in a while. It’s okay if it’s not always ‘just sex.’”
“Was it…” L.Joe looked uncertainly at C.A.P. “Did you and L hyung ever have sex where you, you know. More like relationship sex. Not just penetration.”
“I don’t know.” C.A.P. looked uncomfortable. “Some guys are cuddlier than other guys. Like Chen. L was kind of like that. He liked kissing and stuff.”
“Hyung, everyone likes kissing and stuff,” Chunji said impatiently.
C.A.P. glared at him. “How much are you going to complain about sex with me? Do you want me to stop giving it to you?”
“Okay, that’s a different conversation,” L.Joe said. “Let’s not have too many arguments at once.”
“I’m finished having this argument,” Chunji said.
“What is this argument?” C.A.P. demanded. “What are we even fighting about?”
“We’re fighting about you blaming me for everything and throwing Dongwoo hyung in my face like you didn’t seriously screw up with L hyung!” Chunji snapped. “We’re fighting about you comparing Dongwoo hyung to Xiumin hyung! We’re fighting about how you can’t even tell when someone’s in love with you!”
“He wasn’t in love with me!” C.A.P. shouted. “But you knew that Dongwoo hyung was in love with you, and you threw him away. Is that better? Isn’t that worse?”
“I was eighteen!” Chunji shouted. “Do you know how stupid I was at eighteen? I didn’t know what I was doing. I wasn’t ready to be an idol and be in a serious relationship at the same time. What was I going to do with a boyfriend?”
“Shit, I was nineteen, not thirty-five,” C.A.P. said. “I was trying to lead all of you fools, I already had all of these responsibilities, I just wanted to get laid and hang out with a friend. I didn’t want a boyfriend. I didn’t need someone else to take care of and keep track of.”
“I wonder why L hyung liked you so much,” L.Joe said.
“Ya,” C.A.P. said, frowning. “I’m a great guy.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” L.Joe said. “I meant - - he was as young as you, he was a new idol, too, so why did he want a boyfriend so much?”
Chunji had given that some thought in the time since then. “You know how L hyung is about having to deal with too many people and how picky he is about who he gets close to. Maybe he doesn’t think of a boyfriend as another responsibility, maybe he thinks it’s more like comfort and security. Like someone else to understand him, someone else to support him, someone else to call when he was homesick. You know how much he likes skinship. He likes to connect, he wants to be close to someone.”
“How was I supposed to know any of that? We didn’t talk about any of that stuff. Maybe that is how he thought of it, I don’t know.” C.A.P. narrowed his eyes. “So why did Dongwoo hyung like you so much?”
“Because I’m amazing,” Chunji said.
“Dongwoo hyung’s older,” L.Joe said. “Maybe for him, once he had feelings, he didn’t want to keep playing around. He wanted to get serious.”
Normally, if anyone mentioned Dongwoo or Infinite, Chunji felt tense and prickly, felt angry and defensive. But the more they talked about it, the easier it was to keep talking. The easier it was to hear Dongwoo’s name. He still felt really stupid and embarrassed and awful, though. He was ashamed of how he’d acted, and he was ashamed of himself for having hurt Dongwoo. He’d been so brash and so immature. Why couldn’t he just have given it a shot? Why couldn’t he have just explained himself and told Dongwoo how he felt? How he’d acted was proof, probably, that he hadn’t been ready for a relationship. But it was humiliating to have been so immature, and it was horrible to have hurt someone he’d cared about, to have hurt someone so kind to him and so decent.
He owed Dongwoo an apology, but he had no idea how to give it, and just the thought of facing Dongwoo and trying to explain himself made him feel hot with shame.
“Okay, great talk,” he said, getting up from the foot of L.Joe’s bed. “Let’s never do this again.”
“We see Infinite around all of the time,” L.Joe said. “If EXO’s screwing them, we’re going to see them around even more. It’ll be easier if we can all hang out.”
“I don’t want to be friends with them,” Chunji said.
“Sunggyu hyung won’t let us be friends with them,” C.A.P. said.
“He’s not still angry, is he?” L.Joe asked. “He’s always nice to me.”
“That’s because he-” Cutting himself off, Chunji cleared his throat. C.A.P. shot him a disbelieving, warning look, then gazed innocently away.
“What?” L.Joe asked, looking from him to C.A.P. and back again. “What?”
“Nothing.” Chunji sniffed, looking around. “We’ve talked enough, right?” he asked, heading for the door.
“What were you going to say?” L.Joe asked.
“Nothing, he’s stupid,” C.A.P. said.
Quickly, Chunji left the room. No way was he having that conversation. They’d already had enough yelling and truth-exposing and self-examination for one night. Exhaling, he shook himself, throwing off the lingering emotional cloud. He walked out to the front room, and then he paced around the kitchen, but he felt antsy, amped up. He needed to interact with someone, needed to get laid or pick a fight or laugh. He went into the maknaes’ room and found Ricky there, texting in bed. “Hey,” he said, climbing in and plastering himself against Ricky’s back. On his side, he wrapped an arm around Ricky’s waist, resting his chin on Ricky’s shoulder to peer at the texts.
Holding very still, Ricky asked, “Hyung?”
“What?” He loved how familiar and comfortable Ricky felt in his arms. He hadn’t had skinship in too long, and now he realized how much he’d missed it.
“Are you here to kill me?”
Laughing, he patted Ricky’s stomach. “No.” He nuzzled into Ricky’s hair, exhaling. He wasn’t angry anymore. Not at Ricky. God, he needed to get laid. “Ricky-goon,” he whispered, walking his fingers over Ricky’s waistband. “Let’s take turns boning each other.”
“Is this a trick?”
“No! Come on, let’s mess around,” he urged, sliding his hand down the front of Ricky’s pants. His fingertips crossed through a thatch of coarse hair before finding warm, satiny skin, and Ricky moaned, squirming against him. “I’m so horny.”
“I’m horny, too! No one’s allowed to have sex anymore.” Over one shoulder, Ricky gave him a scolding, resentful look. “We aren’t allowed to have sex! We have to go to bed early! I can’t see Chanyeol hyung, I can’t answer Baekhyun hyung’s calls after midnight, my parents think I’m letting being an idol go to my head, Andy hyung thinks that I’m being lazy, my legs are killing me, I’m so tired all of the time, did I mention that I can’t have sex? I can’t have sex!” Ricky shouted, rolling over and shoving him across the mattress.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” Chunji said. He could admit that maybe he’d gone a little too far in some ways. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, when Ricky just kept glowering at him. “Let hyung make it up to you,” he offered, sliding closer and tucking his hand between Ricky’s thighs.
“I don’t forgive you,” Ricky muttered, but his cock was getting hard and his hips were moving against Chunji’s hand.
“Will you forgive me if I go down on you?” he asked, kissing Ricky, turned on by the growing stiffness of the cock in his hand. Moaning a little, he undid Ricky’s fly.
“Maybe, maybe,” Ricky panted. “Ooohhh, oh, oh, I’m so hard, oh. Please don’t trick me, please don’t hurt me, it feels so good, oh…”
“I won’t hurt you,” Chunji promised, stroking his hard-on, loving the satiny feel of his thick shaft. “It’s going to be so good.”
It took a little time to win back Ricky and Changjo and Niel’s real trust and affection. Talking to their parents and clearing things up with management helped a lot. L.Joe was slower to come around and didn’t really give until Chunji pulled off a minor miracle and got Sehun to drop by the dorm for an impromptu hour-long visit. After that, L.Joe was willing to deal with him again. Chunji wanted to make things right again but didn’t really want to have another long, deep talk about feelings, so he managed to get the other members out of the dorm and then, while he and L.Joe were there alone, he initiated sex. Relationship sex. Long, intense, incredibly erotic relationship sex that had him coming so hard he saw fireworks. Immediately afterward, it was a little embarrassing to make eye contact, but it was like pushing a “reset” button; everything between them was okay again, back to normal, back to good.
He was still annoyed with C.A.P., in general, but by the time he’d made things up to everybody else, he and C.A.P. were okay. He didn’t want to clash with C.A.P., didn’t want to get pissed off again, didn’t want to test C.A.P.’s authority, so he focused more on the other members, and C.A.P. did the same, and they stayed out of each other’s way in a kind of quiet truce. And then one morning, he crawled into C.A.P.’s bed, and C.A.P. woke up and grunted, “Yeah,” and dragged him close, and god, it felt so right, their bodies knew each other so well, they fit together so perfectly, he recognized every touch like they’d just done this last night. C.A.P. hammered him so hard he was in paradise, moaning enthusiastically on every thrust and aching for more. He’d needed this so much that he didn’t even have to work himself up to get off, he just came and came and came, easily and energetically, squirting cum like a fountain. When it was over, C.A.P. grunted against the back of his neck and said, “Fucking is so much better than fighting.”
He laughed. “Yeah, it is.”
C.A.P.’s arm tightened around him, holding him close. “I kind of missed this.”
Yeah. He had, too. He made a light, agreeable “hmm” sound and closed his eyes. He was glad to have things back the way they should be. Glad not to feel so angry, glad not to have that constant tension burning in his chest anymore.
He probably shouldn’t have terrorized the kids just because he was angry at C.A.P. And maybe he shouldn’t have taken everything out on C.A.P. But C.A.P. should have approached him differently. Maybe C.A.P. would know to take a different approach next time.
“I’m not going to let you see Xiumin hyung for a month,” C.A.P. said. “You don’t have to tell him that you’re grounded, you can tell him that you’re busy, but you can’t see him.”
Slowly, Chunji’s eyes opened. He thought about it. Was he angry? Was he going to argue? He decided to deal with it. He’d accept it. He’d be resentful, but he wouldn’t blow up. “Can I tell him that I can’t see him because I’m busy filing warts off of your feet and shaving off your excess body hair?”
C.A.P. laughed. It was a good, happy sound. He hadn’t made C.A.P. laugh in a while, and listening to it made him smile. He turned around just to see C.A.P.’s face, and C.A.P. kissed him. Pleased by that, he kissed back.
Maybe it would be okay, not seeing Xiumin for a month. He needed to spend a little time being nice to his members, anyway.
February 20, 2015
by Matthew Haldeman-Time