The Aftermath
Changjo

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            Seated beside Niel on the plane, Changjo drew little X’s all over the back of the in-flight magazine.  Then he went over them again and again, making them bigger, darker, digging his pen in and dragging it over and over and over the same marks until the pages tore under the force of it.  He flipped the magazine over and did it again to the front cover.  He jammed the pen into the holes and widened them, creating deep gouges and grooves.

            Niel took the pen from him.  “Stop being scary.”

            He punched Niel’s thigh.  Hard.

            Niel grimaced.  Glared at him.  “Ow.”  Hit him back.  “Stop it.”

            Furious and resentful, he tossed the magazine into Niel’s lap and flopped back in his seat.  Toying with the shade, he looked out of the window.  Shade up.  Shade down.  Halfway up.  Down again.  The whole way up.  Halfway down.  He hated this flight.  He wanted to get up.  Do something.  Dance.  Run.  Dance for a hundred hours.  He bet that he could do a thousand push-ups if he tried.

            He could screw Niel.  He could go in the bathroom and jack off.  His members wouldn’t have sex with him.  They said that they didn’t want to when he was like this.  He wasn’t like anything.  He was fine.  He was fine.  He was fine.  He felt like there was energy running through his veins.  Pure energy.  Pure rage.  He wanted to punch his way out of the airplane and jump into the sky.  He felt like he could fly.

            He bounced his knee up and down.  He drummed his fingers against his thigh.  His hand balled into a fist.  He pounded it against his thigh.  Faster.  Harder.  He stared at the clouds.  He wanted to run through them.  Screaming.

            “Maknae.  We’re landing in ten minutes,” Niel said.

            He didn’t know why Niel was telling him that.  “Why?” he asked, turning to Niel, blinking, blinking, his fist hammering his thigh.  “Why?”

            Niel’s hand circled his wrist, forcing it still against his leg.  He looked down at his fist, then back up.  “Don’t do anything stupid.  We’re almost there.”

            “I won’t do anything stupid.”  He looked out of the window.  Almost there.  Ten minutes.  Then he could get up.  Move.  Maybe it was nine minutes by now.  He held still, and he stared at the clouds, and he imagined ripping through the side of the airplane, running across the clouds, running until he wasn’t angry anymore, until he didn’t hurt anymore, and then dancing, dancing, light and free.



            As they left the airport, Chunji relaxed in his seat in the van, leaning back, legs sprawled.  Bored, he watched Changjo slowly, methodically tear a magazine apart, page by page.  Once the entire magazine had been disassembled, Changjo stacked the pages together into a neat pile, edges lined up perfectly, and then began to rip each sheet in half, in half again, in half again.

            The van turned, and Chunji frowned, glancing outside.  This wasn’t the way to the dorm.  “Where are we going?”

            “Practice room,” their manager said.

            They’d just gotten off of the plane, and they were going to practice now?  They couldn’t even drop off their luggage first?  Perfect.  Stifling a groan, Chunji drooped in his seat.

            “Hyung?  Are we being punished?” Ricky asked.

            “Why, what’ve you done?” C.A.P. asked.

            “Nothing!”  Turning around, Ricky gave C.A.P. a wide-eyed, innocent look.  “I haven’t done anything.”

            When they got to the building, they piled out of the van.  Inside, they trudged up the stairs.  Changjo ran ahead up to the second floor, then ran back down past them to the first floor, then ran back up, burning excess energy.

            “Hyung,” L.Joe said quietly.

            “Don’t worry about it,” C.A.P. said.  “EXO has a schedule.  Sehun will meet you tonight.”

            L.Joe nodded.

            Changjo did his lonely dance the whole way down the hallway, then in the other direction.  Chunji found it annoying that he could do the footwork in both directions just as easily.  Shooting him a dirty look, Chunji opened the door to the practice room.

            Dongwoo and L turned to him with surprise.  “You’re here!” Dongwoo said.

            What?!  What the hell, “Did we walk into the wrong practice room?” Chunji asked, checking the door.  When Dongwoo came toward him with a smile, he laughed and threw his arms around Dongwoo.  “Hyung, what are you doing here?”

            “I wanted to see you.”

            “How long have you been waiting?”  He was really touched that Dongwoo had cared enough to make sure to meet him when he got back.  Smiling, feeling goofy with happiness, he looked into Dongwoo’s eyes.  Dongwoo’s smile was so big, he laughed, caressing one sharp cheekbone.

            “Not long.”  Dongwoo hugged him again, then kissed his cheek.  “How was your trip?  Have you eaten?”

            He loved how earnestly Dongwoo looked at him.  He smiled, and that was the last moment of peace for a while.



            Changjo stared at L.

            L stared back.  He looked pained and guilty.  His eyes were full of regret; his lower lip quivered.  He had on jeans and a black sweatshirt, and make-up; his hair was styled, fluffed up and swept to one side.  He was handsome.  He was unhappy.

            He was lying.  His expression and his unhappiness were lies.  His whole beautiful face was a lie.

            Changjo stepped forward, intent on punching him.  Changjo had never broken someone’s nose before, but it couldn’t be that hard.

            “Whoa!”  “Shit!”  “Maknae!”  Hands were grabbing him, stopping him, forcing him back.  L looked shocked and even unhappier, eyes wide and wet, mouth open in silent distress.

            They weren’t going to let him punch L, and he wasn’t going to stay for anything else.  Shaking their hands off of him, he turned and ran.

            There were footsteps; someone was running after him.  “Stop!”  It was L’s voice, desperate.  Reaching the stairs, he grabbed the railing.  “Changjo!”  L sounded closer now.  Halfway down the stairs, he rushed across the landing.  A hand caught hold of his sleeve, and he threw his arm back, and there was another hand on him, and he yelled, furious at being slowed down, furious at L for trying to stop him.  He pitched forward, intent on getting down the stairs and away from L no matter what, and he fell, and they fell together, tumbling the rest of the way down to the first floor, a rolling mass of limbs and pain.

            He landed hard on the concrete.  Catching his breath, he oriented himself.  He was on his side, and his shoulder hurt, and L was on top of him.  He closed his eyes.  He hated his life.  No.  He hated L.  No.  He hated himself.  Why had he fallen for this con artist’s tricks?  Why had he been so weak and so easy?

            “Ow, shit.”  L slid back a little, halfway off of him, then ran a hand over his side, his chest.  “Are you okay?  Does it hurt?  Changjo-ah.”

            L sounded worried.  It was note-perfect, genuinely concerned, a little panicked at the end.  L’s acting coach deserved a raise.  Grimly, Changjo opened his eyes.  Brushing L off, he got up.

            “Not hurt?”  L got to his feet.

            “Yo, hey,” L.Joe called from upstairs.  “You okay?”

            “Fine,” Changjo said.  He took a couple of steps toward the door, then stopped.  If he left, he’d get in trouble, and L might follow him, anyway, and what was he going to do, walk around with L bothering him?  He could sit in the van and lock L out, but someone would just come to drag him back inside.  He had to get rid of L.  Turning, he stared at L.  He wasn’t going to let L get to him; he wasn’t going to let any of this in.  L’s beauty was meaningless, and so was that guilty expression.  “Leave me alone.  Take C.A.P. hyung, take Suho hyung, do what you want.  I don’t care.”

            L’s gaze had some intense gravitational pull; he could feel himself being drawn in, could feel his emotions being sucked in.  “You-”

            “I don’t care!” he shouted.  “Leave me the fuck alone!”

            “I-”

            “What do you want?!” he demanded.  “Just tell me what you want and take it, you can have it, I don’t fucking care!”

            “I want you!” L shouted.  He jerked, shivering away like he’d scared himself.  “I want to apologize.  I didn’t know, I’m sorry.”  He blinked, and there was his misery, his wounded look, his tears, right on cue, god damn.  “I didn’t want to hurt you, I’d never do that to you.  I didn’t know how you, you, you, how you,” he wiped at his tears like he was ashamed of them, “how you felt.”

            “I don’t feel anything.”  It was a lie.  He felt everything.  He was furious at L for hurting him and then coming around pretending to be sorry for it, putting on this performance.  He was consumed with hatred for L, for himself, for the world.  He was eaten up inside with pain, like he didn’t have bones and organs like regular people, just ragged wounds.  He was distraught over how unhappy L looked, and he hated that most of all, hated that L still knew how to get to him, hated that no matter how strong his defenses were L still found a way in around them.

            “I.”  L sniffled and glanced around guiltily.  “We can’t talk here.  Can we go upstairs, is there somewhere we can talk?”

            “No.  Say it and get out.”

            Tucking his lower lip in, L nodded.  Another tear rolled down his cheek.  “Suho hyung told me that maybe you like me.”  He winced like he needed to cringe away from the idea, and then he raised his gaze to Changjo’s eyes.  The misery and guilt in his expression were balanced perfectly with the hope shining there.  Fucking award-winning performance.  “I didn’t know.  If I,” his breath caught and he looked worried, hope fading.  “If I’d thought anything like that, everything would’ve been different.  It never occurred to me.”

            His first priority was to get rid of L.  But he didn’t want to get rid of his career in the process, and he wasn’t stupid enough to have this conversation here.  He’d thought that if he forced it to be more public, L would be limited, but L had called his bluff.  Shit.  The last thing he wanted to do was give in, but he suffered the temporary defeat and went upstairs.  L followed him into the bathroom.  In front of the sinks, he turned around, facing L again.  “I don’t like you.”

            L swallowed.  His eyes were full of heartbreak.  “You hate me.”

            No, no, he wasn’t to pull Changjo in again.  He wasn’t going to drag Changjo’s emotions through hell all over again.

            Changjo remembered how upset L had been over Suho, before.  Remembered how vulnerable he’d been.  Remembered having to be the grown-up.  L was such an emotional mess, overreacting completely at random, brushing everything off and then falling apart over nothing.  Had L been that upset over Suho, for real?  Or had all of that been lies, too?  Was it always deliberately chosen strategy, or did L sometimes get caught up in his own goddamned drama and get carried away with the role?

            “Yes, I hate you.  I hate you,” Changjo repeated loudly, because it felt great to say it right to L’s face.  L flinched, and that felt good, too, on some sick, nasty level inside Changjo’s gut.  “I hate you!” he shouted, throwing his arms back and leaning close.  “I!  Hate!  You!  Hate!  Hate!”

            Crossing his arms over his chest, L nodded, tears slipping down his cheeks again.  “Can I.”  He swallowed, his eyes darting to the side and back.  “Can I apologize anyway?”

            “No,” Changjo said flatly.  He didn’t want to hear it.  He brushed past L and started to walk away.

            “Changjo-ah,” L said, grabbing his elbow.  “Changjo-ah, I’m sorry.”

            “I said no!” he snapped, whirling around and wrenching his arm free.

            “I’m sorry,” L repeated.  “I thought that things were uneven between us.  Suho hyung’s the one you care about, the one you’ve shared your heart with.  I thought that I was just a challenge to you, just sex, just fun.  I didn’t think that I could hurt you.  You only let certain things get to you.  Who knew that I was one of them?”

            “You aren’t.”  He glared at L with all of the fury he possessed.  “You’re never going to hurt me again.  You can cry and you can pretend and you can win as many drama awards as you want, but you’re never going to hurt me again.  I won’t let you.”

            L grabbed his forearm.  “I’m not pretending.  How many times have you teased me, you know I’m not a good actor.”

            “Oh, fuck that,” Changjo said.  “You’re great.  You’re better than I ever realized.  You really turned it on at noraebang.  Congratulations,” he said, applauding, his hands meeting rhythmically, the sound echoing off of the tile.  “Fantastic performance, you win the award.  You win,” he repeated, slapping his hands together one last time.  “I lose.”

            “I’m not acting!  This isn’t acting!” L shouted, yanking at the front of his own shirt.  “This is me, this is how I feel!  I’m sorry!  You think I’m pretending?  I feel like I want to die!”

            “Great!” Changjo shouted back.  “I want to kill you!  Let’s start!”

            His face crumpling, L turned away.  Raising his hand to his mouth, he made a sound like a sob.

            Crossing his arms over his chest, Changjo stared at his back, not giving one goddamned fuck.  “So do you want the award delivered to your dorm, or should we hold a public ceremony so you can really show off?”

            “Don’t,” L said, his voice cracking and shaking.  “Don’t, please.  Hate me, you can hate me, I’ll endure it, I deserve it.  But please don’t be like this.  I can’t take it if you don’t even believe me.”  He turned around again, his face red, tears dripping onto his sweatshirt.  “You know me.  I’ve showed you every side of myself.  You’re one of the only people I’ve been completely myself with, I don’t even do that anymore, and you know that, too.”

            “You came here in make-up!” Changjo shouted.

            “You care about that?!” L demanded.  “Here!  Here!”  Turning on the water with a violent twist of the faucet, he plunged his hands into the sink.  Scooping up handfuls of water, he splashed his face.  Pounding on the soap dispenser, he filled his palm.  It was the most vigorous, hateful face-washing Changjo had ever seen.  His hands were turning red, too, and steam was fogging the mirror.

            Frowning, Changjo reached over, running his own hand under the spigot.  “Shit!”  Shoving L aside, he turned the water off.  “What are you doing, boiling yourself?!”

            Bright red and drenched, L scrubbed his hands over his face, then pawed through his hair, turning it damp and disorganized.  Panting, dripping, he stared at Changjo.  “There!  Me, this is me!”

            “I don’t care who you are.”  But he did.  His anger was fading, draining away, and he struggled to hold onto it, because he was being overcome by sadness, and he didn’t want to be sad.  He wanted to stop.  Fucking.  Hurting all of the time.  He’d rather be angry.  It was easier.  He could focus it, channel it, use it.  Sadness weighed him down, drowned him in his own misery.  “Be L, be Kim Myungsoo, be whoever you want to be.  If I ever felt any way about you, you never knew it.  You never noticed.  You never gave a shit about me.  It was all Suho hyung and C.A.P. hyung and you, yourself, you only care about you.  You don’t notice anyone else.”

            “I don’t care?” L asked, staring around in wild disbelief.  “You think that I don’t care?  Who am I in love with, then?!”

            Changjo’s whole world spun.  He stared at L, rooted to the spot.  The whole bathroom could’ve spontaneously gone up in flames around him, and he wouldn’t have cared.  Shock hit him first, and then disbelief, and then anger.  Rage swept over him, scorching the landscape and obliterating everything else.  “No,” he said.  “No!  No!” he shouted.  Grabbing the front of L’s wet shirt in both hands, he slammed L back against the partition between stalls.  “Don’t you fucking dare!  You haven’t done enough?!” he demanded, staring into L’s wide eyes.  “You haven’t told enough lies?  Are you that desperate to fuck with my head?”

            Bare-faced and wet, L looked miserable and overwhelmed.  “I didn’t mean to tell you like this.  I didn’t mean to say it.  It’s not the right time.”

            “When is the right time?” Changjo demanded, balling L’s shirt in his fists.  “You tell me, when is the right time to lie about love?  If you’ll lie about this, why should I ever believe anything you say?  If you’ll go this far, there’s no boundary anywhere.”

            Something dark and aggressive rose in L, intensifying his gaze, hardening his voice.  “I’m not lying to you.”

            “What else do you lie about?” Changjo asked.  “You lie to Suho hyung when you’re screwing him?  You lie to your members?  Has anyone ever met the real Kim Myungsoo?”

            “I’m,” L said.  “Not.”  And then he screamed it: “Lying!”  Shoving Changjo away hard enough to actually make Changjo fall back, he shouted it again.  “I’m not lying!  I’m real, this is me, this is me and I’m sorry, this is me and I love you, this is me!  I’m L and I’m sorry!  I’m Kim Myungsoo and I love you!  This is all there is of me, and it’s ruined, and it’s yours!”

            Changjo was floundering, furious, torn apart inside.  He kept throwing up barriers and L kept breaking through them.  He kept building walls and turning around to find L already inside.  He couldn’t keep this fake, lying fucker out!  He was going to give in, he was going to fall for the charade all over again, he could feel it happening.  Desperate to stop that, clutching at any way to get rid of L, he said, “Prove it.”

            “Prove it how?” L demanded.  “What can I do?  Do you want to hit me again, do you want the blood in my veins, what?”

            “How did Suho hyung prove himself?”

            “He.”  L did a double take.  He looked disgusted.  “You mean sex?”

            Changjo laughed.  “Who are you, to say it like that?  You’re no virgin.  But you’re in love with me, right?  You love me so much, you’re so sorry, won’t you do anything to make it up to me?”

            “Not that.”  L shook his head.  “Not like this.”

            “Oh, you don’t love me?  You don’t feel so sorry, after all?” Changjo asked.  “It was a misunderstanding, then, okay.”

            “Changjo-ah.”  Desperation made L’s voice ragged.  “Don’t be this way.”

            “If Suho hyung can do it for EXO, you can do it.  Think of how difficult it was for him, and how simple it’ll be for you.  Unless you’re saying that you don’t love me.”

            “I do, I love you,” L said urgently.  “You’ve made me so happy, you’ve been so precious to me.”

            “Great.  I’ll even let you choose.  Oral or anal?” he asked, moving closer.

            “Not like this,” L said, shaking his head.  “Changjo-ah, please, not like this.”

            “Walk away, then.  I understand if you don’t really love me.”  He backed L into the stall and latched the door.

            “I do love you,” L whispered, arms coiling around him.  “Please, Changjo-ah, I can’t do it this way, not if you hate me, not if you don’t believe me.”

            When he’d pushed Suho, Suho had gone through with it, because Suho loved him, and Suho was honest, and Suho was real.  L would crack any second now, would break.  Any second.

A lot of L was fake, a lot of L was completely fucking made up, but there were limits even to how far the lies went.  The way L guarded his body was real.  Even in the middle of this grand acting performance, Changjo had to admit that.  He’d never let someone go too far and breach his sexual boundaries.  He’d push Changjo away soon.  “Anal?” Changjo asked, undoing his own fly.  “Or oral?  I know how much you like jizz on your face, and I don’t have any lube, so I guess you’ll have to use your mouth.”

“I will, I want to,” L said, his tone pleading, his face wet, his skin hot as he pressed his forehead to Changjo’s cheek.  “Not like this, not today.  I’ve wanted you so much, I’m so in love with you, I promise, Changjo-ah, I swear it, but I can’t if it’s like this.  Not if you’re angry, not if you’re using me, please, don’t use me like this.”

He sounded so pathetic.  Why was he so desperate?  Why was he pretending to be so weak?  Why couldn’t he just push Changjo away?  “If you love me so much, you want to make me happy.”  Before, he’d cherished every second of skinship, but now that L was clinging to him, he couldn’t fucking stand it.  Shoving L away as far as he could in the cramped stall, he snapped, “Get off of me!  Either get on your knees and blow me, or get out!”

L stared at him.  “You won’t believe me, even if I do it.”

“I’ll totally believe you.”  He didn’t even attempt to sound serious.

“Then there’s nothing.  You’ll never believe me.  I’ve showed you everything and given you everything, and you don’t even know me.”

“I know you’re a complete fucking fake,” Changjo offered.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t know about your feelings!  I couldn’t tell!  We were close, it meant so much to me, but you were playful, you flirted with me, you were cute, I didn’t know that it was real.”

“Right.  This from the guy who says there’s no way that C.A.P. hyung couldn’t tell and there’s no way that C.A.P. hyung didn’t know and C.A.P. hyung is so wrong and terrible for not guessing that you secretly had feelings you never mentioned.  But all of a sudden it’s impossible to tell when someone likes you.”  This was too much conversation, too much like normal interaction.  “I’ll be leaving first.”  He opened the stall door and walked out.

“Ya!”

He whirled around in a flash of temper.  “Ya!” he shouted back.

“Why does Suho hyung get second chances, third chances, and I don’t?  You can’t trust me at all?  You can’t believe in anything about me?”

“I don’t even think that your eyes are brown,” Changjo said.

“You’re upset with me because I treated you lightly.  You’re upset because you thought that I was lying when I pretended that I cared.  But I do care.  I’m in love with you, and I don’t regret it.  Not even now, not even with this.  The only thing I regret is not recognizing your feelings.  The only thing I regret is hurting you.”

“How do you know when you’re lying?” Changjo asked.  Part of him was genuinely curious.  “How does anyone ever know?”

“When I, when I cosplay, my members know,” L said.  “They know me well enough, they can tell.  I thought that you could tell, too, I thought that you knew.  Maybe I don’t know what I thought.  That you wouldn’t care, or that you were playing along.”

“You weren’t thinking about me at all,” Changjo said.  “You were using me to hurt my hyung.”

L looked so ashamed, it was almost convincing.  Tousling his own hair, he looked down and grimaced, then crossed his arms over his chest and looked troubled.  “I don’t know how to apologize for that.  I’m sorry, but being sorry isn’t enough.  I was so wrong.  I only have excuses.  I didn’t recognize your feelings.”

Changjo didn’t see any need to stay for any more of this.  “If you’re not going to suck my cock, my members are waiting for me,” he said, doing his fly up again.

“I hurt you,” L said.  “I made a mistake, I misunderstood, I fucked up, I get it.  You think that I don’t hate myself for it?  But I’m not a monster.  I wouldn’t trick you then and lie to you now and make all of this up!  When have I ever, before?  I’ve been honest with you, I’ve been myself with you.  I’m sorry for what I did, I’m sorry that I was careless with you, I’m sorry that I misread everything.  That doesn’t make everything else a lie!”

“So what’s the truth?” Changjo asked.  “What’s the truth, then, give it to me, I want to hear it.”

“It’s everything that I’ve been saying this whole time!  I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” L said.  “I fell for you before I even knew it, I wanted you more than I thought that you’d ever want me, I’m in love with you and it’s so big and so deep that I tried not to think about it because it hurt too much to know that you didn’t love me back.  But no matter what, I kept wishing that you could be mine, that we could be together, that we could be boyfriends and make love.”

“Oh, it’s boyfriends, now?  That’s new.”  He sucked his cheeks in, thinking it over.  “Sure is funny that you want to make love, now, all of a sudden, but you won’t suck my cock, and you kept telling me that we couldn’t have sex, before.  How does that equal up to wanting to make love, exactly?”

“I don’t want just sex.  I don’t want you to climb on top of me just because you think it’ll feel good.  I don’t want to be some body, some challenge, some victory.  I want to make love.  I couldn’t stand it if I gave myself to you and you used me.”

“Oh, like if I gave my heart to you, because I thought that you were opening up yours to me, but you were just using me the entire time.  Like that?” Changjo asked.

Groaning, L stumbled out of the stall.  “How did everything get like this?”

“You’re a liar and a fake and a selfish asshole, that’s how.”

L blinked at the sink, then gave Changjo a determined look.  “Suho hyung told me to take responsibility, and I will.  He told me to be a hyung, and I will.  You and I are going to work this out.”

“We’re not.”

“This happened because we hide too much.  You never confessed to me, and I didn’t confess to you, either.”

“There’s nothing to confess besides the fact that I hate you.”

“We’re going to be honest from now on,” L said.  “With each other,” he added.

That last line was something Changjo would’ve thought.  Something that no one else would have said.  Who said that kind of thing?  Who else automatically clarified that of course they could be dishonest with everyone else; naturally, they’d lie to the rest of the world.  Who else thought of honesty as the exception and a false front the typical way to interact?  It was so funny and so real, Changjo almost smiled.

“Honesty is that I’m sorry,” L said.  “I’m really sorry and I feel like shit.  I hate myself for hurting you.  I’ve been in love with you for I don’t even know how long, and I’m not going to let you go.  You can hate me for now, but you can’t get rid of me.  I’m going to take care of you no matter what.”

“I do hate you,” Changjo said.  “I don’t want to be honest with you, I want to rip out your throat.  I want to do the worst thing I can think of to hurt you.”

L nodded.  “Have you come up with anything good?”

He wished.  “I want to use sex against you, but I’m too nice, so I’m going to have to figure out something else.”

“Thank you,” L said, like he meant it.  “I’m afraid that I’d give in if you insisted too much, and I don’t want it to be that way.”

Lying and tricking and coercing L into having sex with him might actually work, and ultimately it would be a great way to devastate L emotionally, which really appealed to him.  But it would also be rape.  He’d have to think of something else.  “If you’re really in love with me, I could get you to think that I love you back, and then break your heart.”

L smiled.  “You’d have to believe that I love you, first.”

He wasn’t ready for this.  He wasn’t ready for any of it.  His rage was gone and now he was just a jumble of crowded emotions all bumping into each other and spilling over, sadness and hope and love and confusion all making a mess inside of him.  “You don’t,” he said.  “And I don’t love you, either.”

“Can I have a hug?”

“No.  I don’t hug people I hate.  I don’t talk to people I hate, either,” he added, backing toward the door.  “Stay away from me.”

“I’ll call you,” L said.

“I don’t answer the phone for people I hate,” he said, opening the door.

“Do you text people you hate?”

“No.  So don’t text me.  And don’t send any selcas,” he added.  “I hate selcas.  Don’t take them.”

“Not any?” L asked.

He hesitated.  He really loved L so much, and until he figured out how to get over that, he might as well have something to jack off to.  That was kind of like using L for sex, right?  That was the last thing L wanted.  “You know when you send me those, I masturbate, right?”

L blinked, then laughed, covering his mouth with one hand and looking embarrassed.  “No!  Ew!  Why would you do that?”
            “So don’t send me any unless that’s what you want,” he said, and he left the bathroom.  It was hardly the devastating line he wished that it could have been, but it was the best he could come up with when he felt like this.  Conflicted and hopeful and sad and stunned, he walked away.  His shoulder still kind of ached from falling down the stairs.  He went into the second practice room and sat on the floor and wished that someone would hug him without making him talk about it.  He didn’t know what to think.

What if it was true?  What if L really did l-l-l-l…  Lo.  Lo.  Love him?  Love him.  Love him?!  Love him?!  Why would that be true?  How could it be true?

What if L loved him?

What if L stopped loving him?  It couldn’t be real.  It couldn’t last.  L had Suho, L had Sungyeol, L had Sungjong, L had the world.

Did L really like him?  He’d think of it as like.  That was smaller.  More manageable.  He didn’t know how he felt, and he couldn’t handle how L felt, and he had no control over any part of this situation.  It had control of him, and it was taking him on a rollercoaster ride.

Ricky came in.  “Hey.  You okay?”

“No,” he said, his head in his hands.

Ricky sat beside him and put an arm around him.

He wondered if L really liked him.  He’d fallen for that once, and look where it had gotten him.  He couldn’t risk going through it again.

But what if?



            Hand-in-hand, Dongwoo walked down the stairs with Chunji.  He took his time, not eager to leave.  “Xiumin said to tell you hi.”  Smiling, he waved at Chunji.  “Hello.”

            Laughing, Chunji bumped against him, shoulder to shoulder.  “Hi, Xiumin hyung.”  They reached the first floor.  “Have you seen him?”

            “Mmm.  I want to, but Suho said that after last time, it’s not a good idea right now, unless we’re with someone else who’s responsible.  It made me feel bad, that it seemed like we weren’t responsible.  I asked who would be responsible, and Suho took a long time to answer.  He said it would have to be him or Sunggyu hyung, and Gyu hyung hasn’t wanted to go out, so I guess we have to wait for Suho.”

            Chunji laughed.  “You’re going to wait a long time!”

            “I should have been more responsible,” he admitted.  “I wasn’t thinking right, I set a bad example.”  He poked Chunji.  “Don’t follow my bad example.  Be a good boy.”

            Licking his lips, Chunji gave him a sly, flirtatious look that made him sizzle all over.  “But, hyung.  When I’m a bad boy, such fun things happen.”

            Loving it, he burst into laughter.  Oh, why was it so true?!  “That’s not the way, that’s not right,” he scolded, but he was too happy to sound serious.

            “Okay, I’ll be good,” Chunji promised.  He hugged Dongwoo, and when his hand passed over Dongwoo’s nape, a shiver ran down Dongwoo’s back, a little electric tremor that woke everything up.  “Bye, hyung.”

            He liked Chunji so much, he had trouble letting go.  “Bye.”  He gave a final pat to Chunji’s ass and left.

            Outside, it was all sunny and bright.  He bowed to Teen Top’s fans and got into the van.  L was already in there, slumped and looking unhappy.  Dongwoo closed the door, then kissed L’s forehead and sat beside him.  “You didn’t get hurt when you fell?  Do you want to see somebody?”

            “What?” L blinked and looked at him like this was the first time L had realized that he was there.  “No, hyung, it’s okay.”

            He brushed L’s bangs back into place.  “It didn’t go well with Changjo?”

            “I don’t know.”  L rubbed his hands over his face and moaned.  “I don’t know what I’m doing.  Why am I so stupid?”  He sighed, his arms dropping like dead weight.  “I should’ve just blown him.  I don’t know.”

            Dongwoo pictured it.  “Chunji says that their maknae has a really sexy cock.”

            L snorted.  “You think that every cock is the best one.”

            He grinned.  “My favorite cock is always whichever one is in front of me.  That’s the best way, isn’t it?”

            L looked at him.  “Doesn’t that mean that most of the time, your favorite cock is your own?”

            Liking that, he glanced down, patting his crotch.  “Why shouldn’t I like mine the best?  I never get off without it.”  Hey, “Where’s your make-up?”



            Briskly, Sehun walked back to the dressing room, stripping off his mike along the way.  As soon as he finished changing, he was at Suho’s side, ready to go.  Why the hell was Suho still in stage clothes?  Why wouldn’t anyone leave Suho alone?  So many interruptions, so much staff, why did every single stupid member have a question?  God damn it.  He glared at D.O., willing D.O. to back off.

            D.O. punched him in the arm.  “Hyung, what about dinner?”

            “Hmm?”  Suho turned with his patient, “yes, I’m listening,” leader face on.  “Xiumin hyung’s taking you all to dinner.”

            “No, he’s not.  He’s meeting some of the B.A.P. members.”

            Suho blinked once.  “He’s what?  Xiumin hyung!”

            Oh, hell, no, if these hyungs messed up Sehun’s plans, he was going to, going to, going to, damn it, he hated being the maknae.  What was he going to do to get revenge, refuse to fetch them things?  He’d just get scolded.  He could fetch things slowly.  Where was the satisfaction in that?

            “Suho-ah?”  Xiumin came over, tucking his shirt in.

            “You’re taking the members to dinner.”

            “No, I’m meeting someone.  Lay can do it.”

            “Lay has a meeting at the company,” Suho said.

            “Baekhyun can do it,” Xiumin said.

            “Baekhyun’s going right back to the dorm to reflect.”

            Xiumin laughed.  “Chen can do it?”

            “Then it’s just Chen hyung, Chanyeol hyung, D.O. hyung, and Kai?” Sehun asked.  “They can get their own dinner somewhere, they’re fine.”

            Suho gave him a look.  “You have your own plans, but we have to be considerate of our members.”

            How was he being inconsiderate?!  “It’s only four members, and they’re not babies,” Sehun said.  “Chen hyung can handle it.”

            “Not babies?” Suho asked.  “I’d like it if our members could be more mature.”

            “I said that I was sorry!” Baekhyun exclaimed.

            “What’d you do, anyway?” Xiumin asked.

            “Nothing,” Baekhyun said hastily, glancing at the back of the PD talking to their manager by the door.

            D.O. whispered in Xiumin’s ear.  Xiumin laughed, and Suho gave him a disapproving look.  “I’m going to have to talk to Sunggyu hyung about Dongwoo hyung if these things keep happening.”

            “Aw, I don’t even think this is his fault,” Xiumin said.  “He can’t help it if Baekhyun’s a,” he coughed.

            “He’s a bad influence.”

            “He’s my best friend!” Xiumin exclaimed.  “He’s one of the nicest guys I know.  If anyone’s a bad influence, it’s Baekhyun.  Or Lay.”

            “What?” Lay asked, looking hurt.

            “Or this one,” Xiumin said, gesturing to Sehun.

            How the hell had he gotten dragged into this?  Sehun glared at Xiumin but didn’t say a single word.  He wasn’t about to risk getting scolded when he was on his way to see L.Joe.  His pet was waiting for him.

            “Xiumin hyung will take you to dinner,” Suho told D.O.  “Hyung, you’ll see your friends after you’ve taken the members to dinner.  And don’t rush them.  Sehun-ah, we’ll leave soon.  Call Chunji and make sure that it’s still okay.  Ah, does he have his phone?  Call C.A.P.”

            Thank god.  “Yes, hyung.”  Already pulling his phone out, Sehun dialed.  D.O. watched him; Xiumin, looking annoyed, was walking away.

            “Eh,” C.A.P. said.

            “Am I a bad influence?” Lay asked Chen, looking worried.

            “Hyung, is everything okay?” Sehun asked.

            “No, hyung, you’re great,” Chen said, hugging Lay.

            “Maknae, manners,” Suho said, taking the phone out of his hand.  “Dongsaeng-ah, how was your trip?”

            Sighing, Sehun sat down to wait.



            Oh Sehun, Oh Sehun, Oh Sehun.  L.Joe rushed around the dorm, humming to himself.  Oh, Sehun, Oh Sehun.  When he showered, he shaved under his arms.  He thought, not for the first time, about shaving down there, but he wasn’t sure about it.  He wanted to do it for Sehun, and when he thought about surprising Sehun with it, it turned him on, but what if Sehun didn’t like it?  What if it looked funny?  What if he did it wrong and it looked weird and messy?  What if he cut himself?  He’d need a mirror, wouldn’t he?  Was the razor the right way, or was there a better method?  What if his members caught him and teased him?  But if Sehun liked it, everything else would be worth it.

            He put on his new red-and-yellow striped underpants.  C.A.P. and Niel and Ricky were gone already; Changjo was arguing with Chunji.  Ignoring them, he cleaned up his side of the room.  Chunji’s side was a complete mess, like always, but he kind of preferred it that way.  Doing things with Sehun on Chunji’s bed freaked him out, so the more crap Chunji left strewn around, obstructing them, the better.

            Changjo’s door slammed.

            “He’s calmed down a lot,” Chunji said, walking in.  He sounded serious.  “I guess things went okay with L.”  He idly snapped the waistband of L.Joe’s underwear.  “Cute.”

            When Chunji slapped his ass, he jumped, pushing Chunji away.  “Don’t!”  He hated it when Chunji teased him like this.  Knowing that Sehun was on the way over made him feel happy and eager, and he felt really horny and excitable, and being touched turned him on too much.  He wanted to save all of that for Sehun, not get all riled up for somebody else.

            “Man, you haven’t gotten laid in so long, you’re probably going to come all over yourself the second he walks in the door,” Chunji said.  “What, don’t blush.”

            “I’m not,” he lied.  “Leave me alone.”  He put on track pants.  If Sehun wanted to rip his pants down, it was easier if he didn’t have a fly.

            “I wonder what he and Woohyun hyung talked about.”

            L.Joe froze, his hands on his waistband.  What?  “What?”

            Chunji snorted.  “You think I don’t know?  I’ll bet that they had a real good conversation about you.”  He smirked, seated on his bed, leaning back on his hands.  “They should’ve invited me, I could’ve told them a lot.”

            He and Chunji were rolling over the bed, wrestling, when the doorbell rang.  Oh Sehun!  Abandoning Chunji, he hurried to find a shirt.

            Getting up lazily, Chunji tossed his bangs out of his eyes.  Impatient, L.Joe shoved him toward the doorway.  “I’m going, I’m going,” he said, going to answer the door.

            His owner was here!  Catching himself moaning under his breath, arousal already stirring between his legs, he pulled on a T-shirt.  He couldn’t wait to hear Sehun call him “hyung.”



            “Hyung!” Sehun exclaimed.  Under him, trembling, L.Joe moaned in ecstatic distress.  “Did you mess the bed?”  He pulled out, and L.Joe whimpered, squirming against him, hips pushing upward against his erection.  He smacked L.Joe’s thigh, hard, and L.Joe whined miserably, falling still.  He pushed L.Joe over, exposing the splatters of cum on the sheet.  He’d expected this to happen, and it turned him on to have this kind of effect on his pet, to get his pet off so easily.  He’d barely gotten in before L.Joe had started coming.

            But he’d told L.Joe not to come without permission, and he couldn’t just let things like this happen.  “Can’t obey me?” he asked sharply.

            “I’m sorry, Sehun-ah, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” L.Joe moaned, looking up at him with pleading eyes.  “I’m sorry.”

            “You need to learn self-control,” Sehun snapped.  “A little bit of dick in you, and you forget everything I ever taught you.  You can’t obey orders anymore, you won’t listen, you just do whatever you want now?  Is that how it is, you want to squirt your jizz anywhere you want, any time you want, like an incontinent dog?”

            “No, no, Sehun-ah, please,” L.Joe moaned.  “I’ll listen, I want to listen.”

            “You’re so desperate for cock, you don’t care about anything else but how good it feels to have something in your ass.  You don’t even care if it’s cock, do you, you’ll come for anything.”

            “No, no, please, Sehun-ah!  I care, I came because it’s you, because it’s yours, you felt so good, I couldn’t help it.”

            “I can’t fuck you in this mess,” he said.  Snapping his fingers, he pointed.  “Get on the other bed.”

            Freezing, L.Joe stared at Chunji’s bed.

            “Need to be forced?” Sehun asked.

            Breathing hard, L.Joe looked from him to Chunji’s bed.  “Please-”

            Grabbing L.Joe’s collar, he got up.  Gasping, crying out, L.Joe fell, stumbled, flailed, as Sehun’s fingers hooked in the collar’s loop.  His temperature going up with every one of L.Joe’s desperate cries of protest, he threw L.Joe onto the bed.

            “Please, please, Sehun-ah,” L.Joe pleaded, trying to get up.

            He considered rolling L.Joe over, but, no, he wanted to see L.Joe’s suffering face while he got off.  Forcing L.Joe back down with a rough shove, he got on top.

            “Don’t, please, please, not like this,” L.Joe begged.  “Sehun-ah, I can’t.”

            “Remember, don’t come,” he warned, wrenching L.Joe’s legs open.

Tears in his eyes, L.Joe pushed limply at Sehun’s arms.  “Please, please, no.”

            Grunting, he thrust back into L.Joe.  “Unh, fuck,” he moaned, burying his cock.  “Keep complaining, it feels good either way.”

            “No, no, no,” L.Joe moaned.  Shuddering, gasping, he clawed at Sehun’s thighs, tears starting to drip down his cheeks.  “No, no, I can’t, I can’t.”  Sehun shoved into him again, fucking him hard, and he cried out, coming again, just like that.

            “Fuck,” Sehun said, laughing as he sobbed miserably.  “You’re so easy tonight, you love it like this.  I’ll have to take you on Chunji hyung’s bed more often.”  Pushing his knees higher, Sehun thrust deeper into him.  As he wept and chanted, “No, no, no,” Sehun gathered up his arms, pinning his wrists over his head.  He was incredible tonight, responding to everything, all of his reactions quick and intense.  Sehun fucked him hard, making it rough and careless and perfect.

            Once he’d served his purpose and Sehun had come, Sehun got up and dumped him onto the floor.  Collapsing, he whimpered pitifully.

            Wiping his cock off with L.Joe’s underwear, Sehun noticed marks on his thighs.  L.Joe had fought him hard enough to draw blood.  That was new, and Sehun was fascinated.  It was nothing serious, just red scratches and a little line of blood, but L.Joe had never actually marked him before, not even this slightly.  “Time to cut my pet’s claws?” he guessed.  Reaching down, he grabbed a handful of silky hair and jerked L.Joe upward.

            L.Joe cried out, shocked by the rough treatment.  When Sehun shoved his face toward the scratches, he moaned, his eyes widening in horror.  “No, no, Sehun-ah, I didn’t, I didn’t!”

            “You did,” Sehun said, and let go of him to see what he’d do.

            “No, no,” L.Joe moaned, and he licked Sehun’s thigh.

Oh, hell, he was tasting Sehun’s blood.  Incredibly proud of him, Sehun stroked his hair.  “Good pet,” Sehun murmured, caressing him.  “Is it nice?”

“Oh, yes, mmm, Sehun-ah.”  Sounding delirious, his back arching, L.Joe licked all over the red marks, kissing Sehun’s skin.  His devotion was intense, and he moaned blissfully.  Petting him, Sehun let him do what he liked.  He only raised his head to turn to Sehun’s other thigh.  Seeing the scratches there, too, he whimpered in new distress and started licking all over again, nuzzling like he could heal Sehun with the strength of his adoration.

Twisting locks of L.Joe’s hair around his fingers and pulling at random, he soaked up L.Joe’s worshipful kisses and eager mewls of perpetual distress.  Then he decided that he’d given L.Joe free rein for long enough.  “Off,” he ordered, snapping his fingers.

Immediately submissive, L.Joe assumed the position, wrists crossed behind his back.

Good.  Loving him like this, Sehun simply stood over him for a moment, admiring him, relishing the pure pleasure of control.  He was so pretty with his head bowed and his knees spread.  Naked, he wore only his collar, and he was breathing hard, whining to himself, his chest rising and falling.  The longer Sehun didn’t speak or move, the more distressed he became, and he whimpered more loudly, shifting his weight, his cock already halfway hard again.  “Disobedient pets need to be punished,” Sehun reminded him, and he moaned, shuddering helplessly.  Oh, this was going to be good.



            Swallowing his precious mouthful of Sehun’s cum, L.Joe moaned.  Dreamily, satisfied, he closed his eyes, rolling his tongue around in his mouth and licking his teeth.  He already missed the sensation of Sehun’s erection pushing into his mouth.  His head falling to one side, he licked his lips, waiting in his own private bliss for his next command.

            “Television.”

            Already?  Their time was up so soon?  Unhappy, disoriented, disappointed, L.Joe opened his eyes.  As Sehun crouched in front of him, he reluctantly relaxed his arms from where he’d had his fingers laced on top of his head.  “Now?”

            Carefully, like it was precious, Sehun undid his collar.  “I was hoping that we could talk a little, sunbae.”

            He tried to get his head together.  He couldn’t look Sehun in the eyes yet, so his gaze dropped automatically.  The sight of Sehun’s naked crotch was too much for him, so his gaze skittered away.  Oh, Sehun’s thigh!  He reached a hand out, but he wasn’t certain about just touching Sehun that boldly at the moment.  “Is it okay?  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”  His beautiful owner’s beautiful skin.  He felt horribly ashamed.  He’d been completely out of control, today.  He hadn’t even felt like himself until the end, that perfect, intense end.  And now it was already over.

            “It’s fine, sunbae, don’t worry about that.  It’s barely anything, it’s already faded.”

            Distressed, he wanted to touch it, to reassure himself that his beautiful owner was all right.

            “I want to hold you for a minute,” Sehun said.  “Can we lie on your bed?”

            Hold him?  He wanted it so much.  He nodded, hopeful.  His emotions hadn’t settled yet, and he was in that mixed-up place where he still felt like a pet but he knew that he was supposed to act like a sunbae.

            Sehun put underwear on and got on his bed.  Sehun had such a long, angular body, he wished that he could devote all of his time to exploring it.  When Sehun held out a hand, he hesitated.  Shouldn’t he put on his underwear, too?  But his owner was reaching for him, and he couldn’t resist.  Shyly, self-conscious, he stretched out hesitantly on the empty strip in front of Sehun.

            “I just want to hold you,” Sehun said, gathering him close.  He closed his eyes, snuggling in, pressing his cheek to Sehun’s shoulder.  If he could have this, he wanted it.  So much bare skin against him!  Was he being too obvious, should he pull back?  Just as he had that thought, Sehun said, “It’s nice like this.”

            “Yeah.”  He wondered if he could rest his hand on Sehun’s waist.  Hesitantly, he moved his hand.  It brushed lightly over fabric, Sehun’s underwear, and when the fabric ended and he reached smooth, bare skin, he stopped, landing lightly.

            “Sunbae, after I leave, does anything happen?  Do you cry?  How is it?”

            Um.  “Maybe.  Sometimes.”

            “You’ve never said anything.”

            “It’s embarrassing,” he muttered, pressing in tighter.

            “It’s not.  Is there anything else?  What’s it like after I go?”

            “I don’t know.”  Did he have to explain?  Hey.  “You’re a silly hoobae, I don’t have to tell you,” he remembered.

            Sehun sounded conversational.  “Do you want to go back in the scene?”

            “Yes.”  He didn’t even have to think about it.

            “Television.”

            Immediately, he relaxed.  And then he froze, because he was plastered, naked, to his owner.  Cautiously, he held still.

            “You were such a good pet today.”  Sehun’s voice was soft and low, and Sehun’s hand passed lightly down his back.  Pleasure sang across his body and he moaned, his spine arching at Sehun’s touch.  “I like seeing you like that.”

            “Thank you, Sehun-ah.”  He whispered it, closing his eyes.  “Thank you.”  His nose was tucked against Sehun’s shoulder.  When he opened his eyes, he could see Sehun’s bare skin, right in front of his face, flawless and smooth.  He could see a hint of upper arm.  He could see Sehun’s collarbone.  Being this close, pressed together like this, was paradise.

            Sehun’s fingertips skimmed across the back of his neck, and he shuddered.  Without his collar on, he felt so vulnerable there, so sensitive.  “Hyung, what’s the worst thing that happened tonight?”

            “None of it, Sehun-ah.”

            Sehun’s fingernails pinched his ear, digging in.  The pain was sharp, and he whimpered, wanting it to stop but not willing to move away from Sehun.  “What’s the worst thing?  What upset you the most?”

            “I love everything that happens, Sehun-ah, I love everything that you do to me.”  The pain wouldn’t stop, and he whined unhappily.  He didn’t want to say it.  He didn’t even want to talk about it.  Did he have to admit out loud that things like that happened?  “When you, the, on Ch-ch-ch-chunji’s bed.”

            Immediately, the pain stopped.  Whimpering, grateful, he closed his eyes.  “What was the best thing?”

            He whispered it.  “On Chunji’s bed.”

            His owner laughed at that, but it wasn’t mocking laughter, it sounded happy.  Wondering, pleased to have made Sehun sound like that, he raised his head just enough to risk a glance at Sehun’s face.

            Smiling, Sehun tilted his chin up and kissed him.  In bliss, his whole body relaxed, his lips parting, and Sehun kissed him again, tongue touching his lower lip this time.  “Sehun-ah,” he breathed.

            Sehun rolled on top of him, heavy on top of him, pressing him down into the bed.  It was wonderful, and he could feel Sehun’s returning hard-on thick against him.  He had an erection, too, but he always did, around Sehun, and he was used to it, used to the merciless ache of desperate, fervent need.

            Then Sehun said magical words.  “You can touch.”

            It was too good to be true, every time.  Hopeful, he looked right into Sehun’s eyes.  Gazing down at him like he was interesting to look at, Sehun brushed his bangs away from his forehead.  He never would’ve let anyone else do that, but this was Sehun, so everything was okay.  He could really touch?  He could put his hands wherever he wanted?  Smiling, he lightly settled his hands on Sehun’s waist.  “Mmm.”  He even moved his hands a little, brushing his fingers gently over Sehun’s skin.  “Mmm.  Thank you, Sehun-ah.”

            “Hyung.”  Sehun tapped at his nose and caressed his cheek.  Loving this close-up attention, in one of his favorite positions in the world, he gazed at Sehun’s mouth, watching Sehun’s pink lips shape words.  “When I leave you, what is it like for you?  What do you do?”

            He could tell his owner anything.  He didn’t know why Sehun wanted to know, but if Sehun had asked, he’d answer.  “I feel funny.  I don’t want anybody to touch me.  I want to be alone.  I go into the bathroom by myself.  I shower, and I cry, and I just stay in there for a little while.  Then I feel a little better, and I get dressed, and I put everything away.  Like sometimes my clothes are still where you left them, and I put those in the laundry.  And then I get in bed for a while, by myself, or I want to, um, kind of, cuddle with somebody?  Or, it depends on what you do to me, sometimes I really, really want to have sex.”

            Sehun kissed his cheek, and pleasure washed through him, tender and warm.  Humming, he shifted his hands against Sehun’s skin.  “The part where you feel funny, and you cry until you feel better, is that something you’d want to do with me?”

            But, “Sehun-ah, I want to do everything with you, no matter what it is.”  Didn’t Sehun know that?

            Sehun’s mouth smiled.  Emboldened by that smile, he slid his hands just a little bit downward, until he could feel the first hint of the curve of Sehun’s ass rising under his fingers.  Oh, Sehun’s body was too sexy.  “Would it be nice if I stayed with you, and you cried with me?  Would it be better if it were the other Sehun?”

            “You, you, please.”  Could it be like that?  Was it okay?

            “I thought that you were happy, when I left.  Not because I’m leaving,” he added, chuckling, as L.Joe’s eyes widened in horror.  Oh.  Relieved that Sehun hadn’t misunderstood, he relaxed again.  “But by the time we say good-bye and I leave, you seem happy.  I didn’t know that you cried or that you needed to take time to process it like that.”

            “When you’re still here, you’re here,” he explained.  “It isn’t over until you’re gone.  When you’re here, you’re all I think about, you’re the most important thing.  Once you leave, everything else hits me.”

            “Ah.  I understand.”  Sehun’s fingers brushed over his lips.  He reacted to the stimulation automatically, whimpering and lifting his chin, licking out, wanting to taste, wanting to suck Sehun’s fingers into his mouth.  “Sshhh,” Sehun murmured, caressing his jaw.  Chastened, ashamed of himself, he closed his mouth.  “I want to take good care of my pet.  From now on, I’ll stay with you, at the end.  Do you want me to come with you to wash?  Do you want me to hold you?  How do you want it to be?”

            Biting his lip, he raised his gaze as far as Sehun’s cheekbone.  His owner was so handsome, he could look at Sehun forever.  “Could we be in bed?  Or maybe I could sit in your lap?”

            “Okay.”  Sehun sounded calm about all of it, accepting of all of it, like everything would always be okay.  “We’ll do it those ways.  I’ll let you decide how you like it.  And you can cry as much as you want, or ask me to hold you, or anything.  It’ll be a little bit of time just for my pet.”

            That sounded amazing.  It sounded like paradise.  “Sehun-ah,” he breathed, disbelieving.  He hugged Sehun, pressing his cheek to Sehun’s shoulder.  “Sehun-ah, thank you, thank you.  I’ll be a good pet, please, I’ll be so good.”

            “You’re already a good pet,” Sehun said, cupping a hand over the back of his neck.  He shuddered, capturing this perfect moment in his heart, wanting to remember this feeling forever.  “Do you want to do it now?  How do you want to be, tonight?”

            “Like this, please, just like this.”  It was so, so good, so special, just like this.  On his back, with Sehun heavy on top of him, Sehun’s weight on him, Sehun’s skin against his.  Sehun’s cock felt so hard, he bit his lip, squirming a little.  Oooohhh, if he moved just like, mmmmm, just like that, he could feel it right against his own cock.  Gasping, he treasured the press of Sehun’s cock against his own, stiff and warm, only the softness of Sehun’s underwear between them.

            “Ah.  You masturbate in the shower, don’t you?”

            Of course he did.  “Mmm, yes, Sehun-ah.”

            “Spoiled pet, I’ll do anything for you, won’t I?” Sehun asked, sounding resigned to it.  Humming happily, L.Joe smiled, feeling like the luckiest pet in the world.  “All right, how do you want to get off?”

            Was, was, was that a joke?  Wondering, L.Joe met Sehun’s eyes.

            Sehun laughed.  “Hyung!  I’m trying to take good care of you.  This is supposed to be soothing and comforting.”

            He licked his lips, not sure what to say to that.

            “Okay, this time, we’ll try it.”

            Really?  “Thank you, Sehun-ah, thank you,” he breathed, thrilled.  Spreading his legs, he raised his knees, waiting eagerly while Sehun undressed with the sexiest wriggle he’d seen in his entire life.  His gaze ran over Sehun’s body, and he moaned, amazed.  “Beautiful, Sehun-ah, you’re so beautiful,” he moaned, as Sehun reached for the lube.  So long, and lean, he was devoted to every inch.

            “I’ll be nice,” Sehun said.  “You can come whenever you want.”  Slowly, Sehun thrust into him.  It was a long slide, filling him up, and he groaned, wrapping himself around Sehun as tightly as he could.  Could he have this, could it be this way?  It was his owner, it was Sehun, and feeling Sehun inside of him, pushing into him over and over again, was the best kind of sex there could be.  But it was slow, and it didn’t hurt.  Confused, he waited for Sehun to speed up, but it kept going at that steady pace, the rhythmic thrust of Sehun’s hips sending pleasure pulsing through him.  It felt good, good all over, good everywhere, deep inside of him, up to his scalp, and he whimpered, his toes curling.

Was it okay, like this?  Clinging to Sehun, he shivered, feeling orgasm bearing down on him.  “Sehun-ah,” he whispered, unsure.  He was going to come, just like this, just from this.

“Mmm, hyung, you’re such a sweet, sexy pet.”  Sehun’s hand wrapped around his erection, confident and knowing, and Sehun pressed closer, pushing deeper, kissing his neck.

There was no sting of pain, no biting, only soft, tender kisses.  This slow, deep thrusting and the expert stroke of Sehun’s hand were already too much for him to take, and the gentle affection of Sehun’s kiss broke him apart.  He came, shaking against Sehun, unable to bear this kindness.  His climax was intense, ecstasy sweeping him away on towering waves, and he cried out in echoing syllables, feeling more helpless than if Sehun were pinning him down.  Whimpering, he felt hot tears fill his eyes, and he tightened his grip on Sehun.  His owner had never been this tender with him, had never treated him like this, and he didn’t know how to take it.  Could he have this?  Could it stay like this, for just another minute?  Gingerly feeling his way down Sehun’s long back, he wondered if he could trust it.  Was it a trick, a joke?  Was Sehun going to turn rough?  He’d love that, too, it would be fantastic, but this was wonderful, too, this special kindness.

Unsure, he looked into Sehun’s face.

Sehun smiled at him, still thrusting into him, steadily making his whole body sing.  Usually when Sehun fucked him, it was rough enough that there was some strain in Sehun’s body, tension and exertion.  But right now, it all seemed easy, and Sehun’s smile was beautiful.  Dazed, he gazed up at Sehun in wonder.  Another jolt of pleasure made him gasp, and Sehun chuckled.  “Going to come again?”

“Yes,” he admitted.  His body was already working toward his second one.  His confusion was fading, and he started to trust in this tenderness, felt himself accept this rich, reverberating pleasure.  “Oh, oh, mmmmm, oh, god, Sehun-ah.”  This wasn’t like anything Sehun had ever done to him before, and he welcomed it, soaking up this new experience.  “Please, yes, yes, yes.”  His back arched, and he ran his hands over Sehun’s chest, his hands splaying over Sehun’s ribcage.  “Yes, yes, oh-oh-ooohhhhh.”  It was pure luxury, and he squirmed against Sehun excitedly.  “Please, more, more, Sehun-ah, please.”

“It feels nice like this,” Sehun said, rocking into him.  This slow, steady pace had pleasure zinging through him.  He felt like pretty, colorful pulses of happiness were zapping him with every deep thrust.

Greedy, daring, he lifted his head, moving his mouth toward Sehun’s until they were barely an inch apart.  He wasn’t bold enough to steal a kiss, but he could feel Sehun’s breath against his skin, even and quick.  “Sehun-ah,” he whispered, and Sehun kissed him.  A slow, sensual kiss, no teeth, no aggression, just the assertive, sinuous slide of Sehun’s tongue snaking into his mouth.  Groaning, he felt his whole body tighten up into an ecstatic knot, and then he came, bursting free, letting go, shuddering all over.  Bliss overwhelmed him, and he gave into it, moaning, undulating, soaking up Sehun’s affection like a sponge as he spurted into Sehun’s masterful hand.

“That’s it, pet, there it is,” Sehun murmured, kissing him.  He kissed back shyly, floating on satisfaction, dreamy with this new, luxurious bliss.  Sehun fucked him for a little while longer, and then Sehun’s hand cupped his jaw, forcing his face up.  Humming happily, grateful to be used for Sehun’s pleasure, content with whatever Sehun wanted to do to him, he gazed into Sehun’s eyes.  Being face-to-face like this, so openly, was rare, but he felt so good, he wanted to see everything.  He wondered what Sehun was looking for.  The pace of Sehun’s thrusts sped up, and he moaned, holding on.  It wasn’t more aggressive, just quicker, and Sehun smiled down at him, rewarding him for being a good pet.  “Ask me to come in you.”

“Yes, yes,” he said eagerly, immediately finding it the best idea.  “Please, Sehun-ah, please, come inside of me, I want you to, please.”

“Mmm.”  Sehun kissed him, and it was such a sexy, generous thing to do, he gasped when Sehun’s head lifted again and it was over.  “Okay.”  With a grunt, Sehun shifted, and then Sehun kissed him again.  The thrust of Sehun’s tongue and the sound of Sehun groaning made him feel like he’d won something, like a grand award.  Coiling his arms around Sehun’s neck, he kissed back a little, moaning excitedly as Sehun tensed against him and groaned again.  Coming, Sehun was coming, deep inside of him.  “Hmmm.”  Sehun kissed him again, then smiled at him so approvingly that he basked in bliss.  “Such a spoiled pet.”

He’d never been pampered so well.  “Thank you, Sehun-ah.”

“Okay.”  Sehun pulled out of him, and he sighed, sad about that, kissing Sehun’s upper arm.  “No more cock for you, hyung.”  Rolling them onto their sides, Sehun gathered him in close.  His knee was still up, his thigh over Sehun’s, and when Sehun didn’t push it down, he snuggled in closer, leaving it there.  Sehun’s chest was a little sweaty now, and he touched it lightly, getting his fingertips damp.

The next few minutes were difficult and wonderful.  He was with Sehun, so he was happy, and everything was tinged with the soft glow of deep, sexual pleasure.  But the room was quiet, and Sehun was still, and he couldn’t turn his mind off.  He kept thinking about things.  Like everything they’d just done.  What he’d done, and how he’d acted.  How he’d felt.  Shame scalded him, and he whimpered, and the sound of his own distress alarmed him.  Confused, upset, he wanted to pull away and curl into a tight ball of his own humiliation, but he couldn’t move away from Sehun.  So he stayed, trembling, agitated, clinging to Sehun and then pushing Sehun away for an instant and then clutching at Sehun in apology.  He felt miserable and scared and mortified, and he treasured every second he was in Sehun’s arms, and he couldn’t believe that he’d just done all of those things, those weird, shameful things.  He felt like a freakish slut and he felt deep, thrumming joy and he couldn’t handle it and he cried.  He wept, rubbing his forehead against Sehun’s chest and making awful, hurt sounds.  It was all too much, he’d gone through so much, it was all too intense.

Normally, when he cried after his shower, he mourned the fact that it was all over, and he wished that he could go back.  Now, he was still in it, he was still Sehun’s pet, and that made it easier to take.  He was surrounded by Sehun, in his owner’s embrace, and he cherished it.

After a while, his tears dried.  Peace settled over him.  An extraordinary, deep peace.  He relaxed completely, his eyes closed.  He could feel the subtle rise and fall of Sehun’s breathing, and it soothed him.  He felt richly joyful and utterly calm.  He didn’t think about anything.  He didn’t need to or want to.  He just waited in quiet contentment, trusting.

“Good pet,” Sehun murmured, arms snug around him.  He felt so serene, he could have fallen asleep.  “Good pet.  Television.”

He stayed there for a while longer, because he liked it.  Eventually, when Sehun rubbed his spine, he sighed.  He didn’t feel shy or embarrassed, he just felt good, really good.  Really good.  Shifting, he raised his head, smiling at Sehun.  And then he stole a kiss.

Sehun laughed, looking bashful and turning pink.  Seeing Sehun blush was such a rare thing, he stared, amazed.  “Silly hoobae,” he chided, and Sehun hugged him, laughing harder.



            When Sehun and L.Joe had disappeared into L.Joe’s room, Suho had greeted Chunji.  He asked about Indonesia, and Chunji asked how he’d been, and they spread the dinner he’d brought over a low table.  While Chunji opened containers, he asked, “Changjo’s asleep?”  Changjo was always there when he came over, but usually would have come out to say hello by now.

            “He’s sulking.  He’s in his room, you can see him, if you want.”  Chunji sucked sauce from his middle finger.

            “Mmm.”  He’d been so busy with EXO and everything else, he hadn’t had a chance to catch up with L to find out how the big talk had gone.  Worried, he went over and knocked at Changjo’s door.

            “Go away.”

            “Changjo-ah, it’s Suho, I’m coming in.”  Pushing open the door, he saw Changjo seated on the floor at the foot of Ricky’s bed.

            Changjo glared in his direction.  “I said go.”

            “Don’t be like this, I haven’t seen you at all lately.”  He sat down beside Changjo, and Changjo slumped against him, scooting down, head on his shoulder.  Smiling, he patted Changjo’s thigh.  It couldn’t be all that bad.  Maybe things had gone okay.  “L talked to you?”

            Head lifting, Changjo scowled at him.  “Why’d you have to tell him to talk to me?  He’s full of shit.”

            “He feels terrible.  Don’t be too hard on him.”

            “You told him that I like him.  I should be hard on you.  Didn’t you tell me not to lie?”

            “Changjo-ah,” he scolded.  “It’s not a lie.”

            Changjo scooted away, putting distance between them, crossing his arms over his chest.

            “Sulking like a baby?”  He shook Changjo’s shoulder.  “You’re not upset, stop pretending.”

            “Okay, we’ll have sex,” Changjo suggested, suddenly moving toward him.

            Surprised, flustered, he laughed, pushing Changjo away.  “No!  Maknae!”

            “No?” Changjo asked, grinning at him, pausing in the act of swinging a leg over him, one hand on his shoulder.

            “No!”  Embarrassed, he pushed Changjo off of him.  “Tell me about L, how was it?”

            “Ah, he’s a lying jerk.”  Sucking his cheeks in, Changjo settled beside Suho again, slouching down so that Suho was taller.  Then, slyly, he peeked up at Suho from beneath his lashes, looking coy, watching for a reaction.  “He said that he might like me a little bit.”

            “Did he?”  Suho hadn’t been sure that L would admit to something like that, but it was good, if he was willing to say it.

            “You aren’t surprised?”

            He shook his head.  “Honestly?  It’s not only a little bit.  I think that he feels the same way about you that you feel about him.  That’s why you have to - - augh, ack!”  He ended up on his back, Changjo knocking him flat on the floor.  “Maknae!”

            “The same way?” Changjo demanded.

            “Aish, let me up,” Suho said, brushing Changjo aside.  “You’re like an overgrown puppy.”  Sitting up, Suho patted his own hair, making sure that everything was the way it should be.

            “The same?” Changjo repeated insistently.

            “Yes.”  He knew what an important thing that was to say, so he took pressure off of the moment by pretending not to think much about it, straightening his clothes.  “Overgrown puppy,” he muttered.

            “How do you know?  Why do you think that?”

            “I know him, I can see it.”  Suho shook his head, annoyed.  “Why does everyone take me lightly?  All of my dongsaengs think I’m stupid.  I can’t see what’s right in front of me?  I don’t know anything?  You’re not a big mystery to me,” he informed Changjo.  “Neither is L.”

            “I don’t want to talk about him,” Changjo said immediately.  “Let’s have sex.”

            “No!  Chunji’s out there, the door’s open-”

            “I’ll close the door.”

            “L.Joe and Sehun are in the next room!  Everyone will hear us.”

            “Then we won’t have sex, we’ll just make out.”

            Suho had never “just made out” with a guy, other than D.O.  “Who’s going to slow things down, you?”

            Changjo grinned not at all convincingly.  “Sure, hyung, we won’t do anything you don’t like.”

            “Who’s full of shit, now?  No sex,” he said firmly.  “Nothing else, either.”  With that settled, he reached over and stroked Changjo’s hair.  “Tell me about you and L.  Did you tell him how you feel?”

            “I told him that I hate him.  That’s how I feel.”

            Suho sighed, disappointed.  “That’s no way to fix things.”

            “Who wants anything fixed?  He pushed me down the stairs, you know.”

            “What?!”  That couldn’t be right!  “L wouldn’t do that.  Was it an accident?”

            Changjo pouted.  “Maybe we fell together.  But it was his fault!”  With a wide-eyed expression, he pulled at the neckline of his T-shirt.  “It hurt my shoulder!”

            “Oh, maknae.”  Concerned, Suho ran a hand up his arm.  “Is it bruised?  It still hurts?”

            “See?” Changjo asked, taking his shirt off.  He leaned in, turning his shoulder toward Suho.

            “Oh, maknae,” Suho repeated, sadly.  There was a bruise on Changjo’s shoulder.  Nothing severe, something that would fade in a couple of days and probably didn’t even hurt unless it was poked.  If this had been an EXO member, he would have taken an assessing look, told his dongsaeng to be more careful, and moved on.  But this was Changjo, so he was more sympathetic.  “You should be more careful.”  He caressed Changjo’s upper arm, sighing.  “Poor maknae.  Is L okay?  Did he get hurt?”

            “He’s fine.  I broke his fall.”

            He stroked Changjo’s back, lightly.  “You’re too precious, you can’t let yourself get hurt like this.  You shouldn’t have been careless on the stairs.  You’re a dancer, aren’t you?  Every bone and every muscle is priceless.”

            “I understand,” Changjo said obediently.

            He kissed Changjo’s shoulder.  “Now tell me how you’re going to fix things with L.”

            “I’m not.  Why should I fix anything?”

            “Because he’s burdened a lot.  Didn’t he seem upset when you talked?  His heart is precious, isn’t it?  You said so yourself.”

            “You can’t just bring up things like that,” Changjo muttered uneasily.  “I didn’t know him so well, then, he fooled me.”

            “You knew enough.  L’s a special dongsaeng, and I know he’s a special hyung to you.  Let’s take care of him.”

            “He cries too much.”

            “Then we should take care of him so that he’ll hurt less.”

            “I guess.”  Sighing, Changjo sat back against the foot of Ricky’s bed.  “Really, hyung.”  He met Suho’s eyes honestly.  “I don’t know what’s going on.  I don’t know what’s real or what to do about it.  I don’t want him to hurt me again.  It was too hard, this time, I went through too much.”

            Picking up Changjo’s shirt, he draped it over Changjo’s bare chest.

            Rolling his eyes, Changjo tugged it into place, covering himself.

            That done, Suho slid closer, putting an arm around him.  “It’s been hard for you.”

            “I’ve never felt like that before.  Not even over you, and you were the worst I ever felt.”  Suho winced at that, knowing that he deserved it.  Changjo rubbed his leg, reassuring him.  “I don’t want to go through it again.  I think that I have to stay away from him.”

            “I think that you have to give him a chance.”

            Changjo shook his head.

            “What if it works out?” Suho asked.  “What if you’re happy together?  You gave me a second chance.  I was horrible, it was a big risk, but you let me try again.  And we’re happy, aren’t we?”

            “I’d be happier if you’d let me close the door,” Changjo pointed out.

            He slapped Changjo’s thigh.  “Be serious.  Don’t you think that you’d be happy with L?  Think about how great it might be.  Think about how happy you’d make him.  When he feels things, he feels them deeply.  What if you could make him feel good?  Doesn’t he already smile whenever he sees you?”

            “Ugh.”  Grimacing, Changjo slumped, boneless.  “Fuck.  It’s not fair to say things like that.”  He visibly tensed.  “What if it doesn’t work out?  What about when he hurts me again?  What about when I hurt him?  I’ve never had a relationship like that, you know I’m going to screw it up.”

            “Then you have to think about it this way.  Won’t it be worth it?  There are things you have to treasure while you can.  There are things that are worth the risk.  Isn’t this one of them?  If you could be with L, if you could have his heart, if you could make him happy?”

            “If that’s so great, why aren’t you with him?”  Changjo gave him a shrewd look.  “Ah, we know all about you.  You’re a hyung fool.”

            Blushing, he shook his head.  “I’m not, stop teasing.  You’ll bring up anything to change the subject.”

            “I don’t like L that much,” Changjo decided.  “I’ll bet that I could get over him.  I’ll be nice, I won’t even get my revenge for everything he’s done.  I’ll just get over him.”

            “You’ve hurt a lot,” Suho said.  “Let’s think about exactly what’s happened.  You fell for L, and he fell for you.  You’ve been close, you’ve shared a lot.  There have been a lot of good times, and a lot of times that you supported each other through bad things.  My bad things,” he admitted, because he had to take responsibility for that.  “You’ve been there for each other.”

            “Maybe,” Changjo said, but he was listening.

            “Your teams decided to become closer, right?  Everyone went to dinner and noraebang together.  L decided to get C.A.P.’s attention, and he flirted with you.  You thought that he meant it, and you were glad that he was finally noticing you.  He didn’t realize how you felt, and he hurt your feelings.  And then you got upset, and he got confused, and instead of addressing it, you both overreacted and lashed out.”

            “He treated me like a stage prop in his show!”

            “And that wasn’t right,” Suho said firmly.  “But that’s all that happened.  You’re making it all seem worse than it is.  He didn’t do anything you can’t forgive him for.  Especially when he already blames himself.  And how can you be this upset that he didn’t recognize your feelings, when you didn’t recognize his?  He didn’t know how you felt, but you didn’t know about him, either.  I’m not going to let you hold it against him forever.  It’s time to forgive.”

            “I’m not forgiving anything!”

            “This is a bad side of you,” Suho warned.  “Maybe it’s better if you and L don’t become boyfriends, after all.  If it’s like this, then you aren’t ready to be in a mature relationship.  L’s an adult, he needs to be with another grown-up.”

            “I’m more mature than he is!  I’m the grown-up!”

            “Then you’re mature enough to forgive a good hyung who made a mistake?”

            Looking troubled, Changjo couldn’t answer.  He turned his face away.

            He was so conflicted, Suho felt bad for him.  “Think about it,” Suho said, rubbing his upper arm.  “Come out and have dinner.”

            “I don’t want any.”  He looked down.  He was so young and so hurt, Suho hugged him.  “I don’t think I’ll be able to get over him,” he said against Suho’s shoulder.  “Hyung.”  Pulling Suho into his lap, he hid his face against Suho’s chest.  “When he hurts me again, you’ll stay with me?”

            “Oh, maknae.”  He stroked Changjo’s hair.  His heart went out to Changjo.  “It’s hard, I know.  Hyung will always be there for you.  I’ll help you through it, whatever happens.  You don’t have to worry about me.”

            “I don’t want to trust him.  I want to tell him to go to hell.  He’s just going to hurt me again and I can’t take any more of it.  But every time he looks at me, I feel like he’s already inside me and I can’t get him out.  I hate it, I don’t want to feel this way.  Why is it like this?!”

            “You’re in love with him,” Suho said gently, hugging him.  “It’s okay, maknae, it’s okay if you’re in love with him.”

            “It’s not!  Stupid,” Changjo muttered.  “I hate it.  What’s wrong with his eyes, why are they like that?”

            “It’s noonbeet,” Suho said.  “It’s his superpower.  I know, I feel it, too, nobody can help it.”

            Changjo sat back, hugging Suho to himself.  “I hate it,” he said again.  “I hate him.  Chunji hyung’s noonbeet is better, anyway.”

            “Well, you love Chunji, too,” Suho pointed out.

            “Ew,” Changjo said, which meant, “yes.”  He sulked for a moment.  “If L hyung hurts me again, I’m going to have to make him suffer a lot.”

            “Okay,” Suho said.  “We’ll talk about that if it happens.”

            He met Suho’s eyes.  “You’ll help me?”

            “If he deserves it, yes.”

            Changjo’s smile was bright.  “See, this is why I love you.”

            Laughing, Suho caressed his happy face.  “Why can you say that you love me and not Chunji?”

            Changjo’s gaze darted to one side, and Suho remembered that the door was open.  “Because he’s a big, annoying jerk,” Changjo said loudly.

            “Ya, that’s no way to talk.”  Suho kissed the top of his head.  “Come and eat.  You can’t stay in here sulking.  You have to stay strong and healthy for Angel.”

            “Hyung.”  Changjo looked hopeful and mischievous, a terrible combination.  “Hyung, if I forgive L hyung, and I feel sorry enough for him to have sex with him.  Do you think he’ll like it?”

            Automatically, Suho’s mind flashed to sex with Changjo.  To sex with L.  To Changjo’s teasing smiles and coaxing hands and the sensation of that gorgeous cock easing inside of him.  Feverishly hot, he scrambled off of Changjo’s lap.  “Yes, now be good and don’t ask things like that anymore.”

            “He talks all of the time about how great it is with his members and how much he likes it.  He uses words like ‘magnificent.’  I know I’m good, but he has more experience than I do.”

            Too turned on to talk about this, Suho needed to get away from Changjo.  “You don’t need to worry about it.  You don’t need to worry about anything, when it comes to that.  I have to go to the bathroom,” he said, rushing out of the room.



            Dressed again, Sehun watched L.Joe put the collar away.  He’d never seen L.Joe quite like this.  So confident and so relaxed.  Not jittery, not hopped up on hormones, not self-conscious at all.  Happy, and satisfied, and kind of cocky, like someone who’d just had terrific sex should be.  He loved it.

            Flipping his hair out of his eyes, L.Joe turned and smiled at Sehun.  “What?  You look like you’ve never seen me before.”

            “Just admiring you, sunbae.”

            L.Joe laughed, but like he was enjoying it, not like he was flustered.  Incredibly attracted to him, wanting to touch him, Sehun wrapped an arm around him.  Looking pleased, he kissed Sehun.  He’d never been so comfortable initiating so much contact, before.  Cupping his face in one hand, Sehun gazed at him.  He relaxed into it completely, his eyes falling shut, his head falling back.  God, he radiated happiness.  The long line of his neck was too tempting, and Sehun kissed him there.  Making a low, dreamy sound, he slid his hand into Sehun’s hair.  That was definitely a sunbae move, not a pet move.  “Damn, I envy my members so much,” Sehun admitted.  “I can’t believe I’ve never had this sunbae.”

            He just laughed again, warm and easy.  He was irresistible, and Sehun kissed his cheek, his lips.  “Sunbae.  You know I talked to Woohyun hyung, right?”

            “Mmm.”  Finally, his eyes opened again.  He didn’t even look tense about this?  Wow, aftercare was a miracle.  As his gaze focused on Sehun’s face, he smiled.  “Why are you so handsome?”

            “I do it just for you, sunbae,” he teased, kissing L.Joe’s cheek.

            L.Joe kissed him a couple of times, their lips brushing against each other, light kisses that made him want more.  Then, pulling away, L.Joe finally looked a little bit self-conscious.  “What did he say?”

            “Only good things.  It was really nice,” Sehun said, wanting to reassure him.  “He said that he could tell how much I care about you.”

            L.Joe blushed, looking shy.

            Ah, there was his pet.  Sehun smiled.  “It was a good conversation.  I’m really glad that we talked.  I think that we’ll really get along.  But he wants to talk to you, too.  Maybe you can meet him.”

            “Me?”  L.Joe looked surprised.  “For what?”

            “Just to talk.  You’ve known each other for a long time, and he’s known about you for a long time, right?  He’s never embarrassed you, has he?  It’ll be okay, I think that he just wants to make sure that I’m taking good care of you.”  It had been a huge relief to express things he’d never discussed so openly before.  Maybe it would be good for L.Joe, too.  “You can be honest with him.  You don’t have a lot of people to talk to about any of this, besides me.”

            L.Joe laughed, fluffing his own hair.  “What if I spend the whole time bragging about how much I like you?”

            Sehun smiled.  “That would be okay with me, but he might get bored.”

            L.Joe touched lightly at his neck, like he was feeling for his collar.  “Maybe it’ll be okay.  He’s always been friendly.”

            “I talked to him about a few things.  When you get your phone back, maybe I could call you or text you, sometimes, and ask you to do things for me.”

            L.Joe’s eyes flickered.  “Things?”

            “Would that be okay?  It can be little things, or sexual things, whatever you’re comfortable with.  It’s a way for us to interact when I can’t come for a full visit.”

            “Like, like the almonds?”

            “Yes, like that.  Do you want to try it?  It might take us a few tries to figure out the best way.  It’ll be tricky, if I can’t be here to see how you react, so you’ll have to let me know what’s okay and what’s too far.  I don’t want you to be embarrassed in front of your members, if I ask for too much, and I don’t want you to think I’m becoming dull or annoying.”

            “Dull!”  L.Joe shook his head, smiling.  “Not you.”  He licked his lips, then smiled again.  “If I need my phone for it, C.A.P. hyung will be happy, I’ll never get in trouble again.”

            “Until you get your phone back, I’ll think about it a lot, and come up with some ideas for what we should do.  There’s, uh, something else.  Woohyun hyung said that, maybe, I could do things with Dongwoo hyung.  Like, uh.”  He grinned, hoping that L.Joe would take it well.  “Maybe be his dom, for fun, once in a while.”

            L.Joe was suddenly right in his personal space.  “Oh Sehun.  Can I watch?”



            Suho checked Changjo’s watch.  Only a few minutes.  L.Joe and Sehun would be out soon, and it would be time to go.

            He wanted to kiss Changjo good-bye.

            His regular members got their steady appointments every eight days, but with L and Changjo, it was erratic.  He might see them repeatedly, or not for long stretches of time.  And even when they saw each other, it was rare for circumstances to be right for any actual sex.  There wasn’t enough time, or there wasn’t enough privacy, like today.  But he could at least kiss Changjo, couldn’t he?  It might be too disappointing to Changjo, if he didn’t.  And Changjo had been through a lot lately, with L.  A little kiss would be reassuring.

            Clearing his throat, he got up.  “Let’s talk in private.”

            Changjo grinned at him.  “About what?”

            Changjo knew exactly what.  Shooting Changjo an annoyed look, he went to the bedroom.  When Changjo followed him in, he closed the door.

            “Ooohhh, okay.”  He flashed Suho a playful grin.  “I’ll be quick.  Which bed?” he asked, starting to pull up his shirt.

            “Ya, not that!”  He pushed Changjo’s hands back down.  “I just want to say good-bye.”

            “In private?”

            “A nice good-bye,” he admitted.  He still felt awkward, sometimes, initiating things.  He moved in, his hand splayed against Changjo’s chest, and Changjo made it easier for him by kissing him first.  Immediately, he was aroused, and he deepened the kiss, curling his fingers in the front of Changjo’s shirt.  When Changjo’s arms closed around him, he moaned.  Embarrassed, he tried to pull away; he was too loud, someone would hear, Chunji would laugh.  Cupping the back of his head, Changjo kissed him again, and he was so turned on that he kissed back.  He shouldn’t, it was too self-indulgent, but it would be okay for just another minute, just another, god, he wanted this.  He loved it, he loved everything about it, the rhythmic stroking of Changjo’s tongue in his mouth, the sound of Changjo’s breathy, encouraging groans, the heat of Changjo’s hard, muscular body against him, a wall of masculinity and sex.  Kissing back passionately, he felt his reservations crumble and fall, washed away with the force of his desire.  “Changjo-ah,” he moaned, swaying, leaning back against the wall and pulling Changjo against himself.

            “God, hyung,” Changjo panted, pushing him more firmly against the wall.  Pinned between Changjo’s strong body and the unyielding wall, he pulled on Changjo’s hips.  Giving him what he wanted, Changjo rocked against him, the swell of Changjo’s hard-on rubbing thickly against him.  Pleasure blazed through him, and he groaned, his own cock throbbing in response to the friction.  “Mmm, fuck, I’ll be quick, I promise,” Changjo said, kissing him.  The stroking pressure of Changjo’s hand between his legs, feeling him up, fondling him, made him jerk in excitement, ecstasy pulsing through him, and he gasped, bucking against the wall.  “Shit, you can’t be quick.  Hold on, hyung.”  A quick kiss, and Changjo leaned away, reaching for something, hand stroking over his hip, holding him in place.

            His eyes opened.  His mind told him to stop, but his body craved more, more.  What was he doing, everyone would hear, everyone would know, up against the wall in someone else’s dorm, he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t.  Embarrassed, he pulled his shirt down where it had ridden up, twisting away, turning to go.

            Music started, startling him, loud and full of bass.  “No, ah, hyung.  It’s okay, it’s okay,” Changjo said, catching him and drawing him back.  Unsure, he hesitated, but Changjo cupped his face, kissing his forehead, his cheeks.  The warmth of Changjo’s smile reassured him.  “You tell me,” Changjo said, nose to nose with him.  “You get to decide, hyung’s privilege.  Do you want me to kiss you and say good-bye, or get you off?”

            Changjo had made a good point, earlier.  “I can’t be quick,” he admitted.  And then, licking his lips, he slid a hand down the front of Changjo’s pants.  Body heat, satiny skin, coarse curls, the solid jut of Changjo’s hard-on.  He moaned, and Changjo moaned with him, nuzzling his cheek.  “But you can.”

            “Fuck, hyung,” Changjo panted, grunting and rocking into his hand.

            “I can be quieter,” he whispered, stroking the long, hard shaft.  “If my mouth is full.”



            Baekhyun was having the worst day.

            Dongwoo had called him while he’d been in the van.  They hadn’t even talked about sex, really, but Dongwoo had kept calling him “baby” and he’d gotten kind of turned on.  He’d thought that everyone else was asleep, so after he’d hung up, he’d tried to sneak his cock out and jack off real quick.  But Suho hadn’t been that asleep, after all, so he’d gotten in trouble.

            Sehun was at a playdate with L.Joe, which usually meant fantastic things for Baekhyun’s ass, because most of the time Sehun came back to the dorm and unleashed some kind of intense sexual tsunami all over him.  But since he was in trouble, he might not be allowed to have sex tonight.  So no post-L.Joe sex for him.

            On top of all of that, it was his night with Suho.  Even when he was in trouble, he was still allowed into Suho’s bed, so he should be able to look forward to some serious hotness.  But Suho was at Teen Top’s dorm, which probably meant some horizontal action with Changjo.  Where did that leave Baekhyun?  How was he supposed to compete with that?  He was a great lay, and he always had a great time with Suho, and there was no way Suho didn’t have a great time with him right back.  But Suho was a bottom, and Changjo knew how to deliver, and how was he supposed to follow that act?  What did he have to offer, a blowjob?  Suho would probably come back to the dorm all sexed-up and blissed-out and not even interested.

            What a crappy day.

            He shuffled into his room and fell across his bed.  He felt sorry for himself for a minute.  Then he rolled over and started looking for something to do.  Chanyeol came in to talk to him.

            He heard Suho and Sehun come home.  He didn’t bother to get excited, and he heard Sehun call for Chen.  That lucky little shit.  “I never liked Chen,” he told Chanyeol.

            Chanyeol smiled at him.  “Me, either.”

            Suho came in.  He looked tense and he was moving kind of fast.  “I need to see Baekhyun-ah in private.”

            “Oh.  Sure, hyung.”  Chanyeol tossed Baekhyun a questioning look but left, closing the door behind himself.

            Time for a lecture.  Baekhyun sighed, sitting up straight so that he’d seem attentive.

            “Baekhyun-ah.”  Suho bit at his lip and rubbed his hands over his thighs.  He was being weird.  Why was he being weird?  “It’s, um, maybe it’s early, but I thought, if you’re not busy.”

            What was he talking about?  Baekhyun tried to read his expression.  His cheeks were pink and he looked nervous, like, oh, shit!  “Hyung?”  Was he turned on?

            “It’s too early,” Suho said, backing up.

            “No!  No, it’s a good time,” Baekhyun said quickly.  “I’m really tired, hyung, hasn’t it been a long day?  It’s been a tough week, let’s go to bed early tonight.  Is that okay?  Do you mind?”

            “If you’re sure, if you’re tired already,” Suho said.

            “I’m exhausted,” he said, bouncing to his feet.  He locked the door and turned off the overhead light while Suho turned on the lamp by the bed.  Maybe nothing had happened with Changjo.  Suho was so riled up, he felt turned on already, anticipating great, great orgasms in his future.  He took his clothes off fast, eager to get to it.

            Suho was undressing, too.  Naked, Baekhyun crawled onto the bed.  Suho crawled on top, still in his underwear, his cock already bulging against the cotton.  Right away, they started kissing.  Baekhyun couldn’t believe his luck!  Shit, Suho was totally into it, passionate and assertive, caressing him everywhere and grinding against him and moaning like it didn’t even matter who heard.  God, it was incredible.  Suho’s lust was infectious, and he moaned right back, writhing against Suho and returning every kiss with equal passion.  When he peeled Suho’s underwear down, Suho’s cock popped out, long and stiff, and he groaned, squeezing Suho’s bare, taut ass and urging Suho to rub against him.

            “Baekhyun-ah,” Suho panted.  “You don’t have to, you can say no.”

            “Yes, yes, I’m saying yes.”  He didn’t even know what Suho wanted, but he knew that it was going to be great.

            “Baekhyun-ah,” Suho said again, kissing him, hand wrapping around his cock and making him squirm.  God, he was so turned on, he groaned, digging his nails into Suho’s arm, kissing Suho’s neck.  “Baekhyun-ah, I want you to do me, I need it, will you put your cock in me?”

            Holy.  Shit.  “Hyung?”

            For one wild second, they stared at each other.  Then Suho turned bright red and let go of his erection.  “I’m sorry-”

            “Don’t be sorry-”

            “-you don’t have to-”

            “-I want to-”

            “-it doesn’t have to-”

            “Hyung!  I want to!” he repeated.  It wasn’t like he’d never, just not often, and not in a long time.  “What are you worried about, I remember how,” he teased, and Suho stopped protesting, and he kissed Suho, and the way Suho moaned and moved against his cock told him, that yeah, okay, this had to happen.

            He was used to being the one squirming around begging for it, and it was definitely a rush to be the one on the other side of things.  Suho was so into it, he didn’t play around, and as soon as he thrust inside, Suho started pulling on his thighs and moaning his name and crying out like he was doing something that felt fantastic.  He felt pretty fantastic, himself, but he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to last long enough.  Trying to speed Suho up, he started jacking Suho off, right away.  It was possibly the smartest move, ever.  Suho stared up at him with greedy, burning eyes and gripped his thighs hard and cried out, “Yes, yes, Baekhyun-ah, please, more, more, like that, yes, yes!”

            “God, hyung, this is the best,” he confessed.  He’d never done Suho face-to-face, before.  He’d never seen Suho look so intense and so turned on and so totally high on sex.  It was unbelievable.  Suho’s expression kept changing, going from blissful to shocked to hungry, pleading with him and then tensing up like it was too much and then relaxing into pure ecstasy.  He stared, not wanting to miss a thing, amazed that Suho could even look like that.  The way Suho was gasping and making raw, passionate sounds and writhing under him made him feel like some kind of powerful, sexual genius.  Damn, if Suho was acting like this, Baekhyun was probably the best top in the dorm!

            “Don’t stop, don’t stop, ooohh, aauuuhh, oh-ouuh-ohh-ooo, Baekhyun-ah, more, more!”  Suho shuddered all over, making a ragged, overwhelmed sound, nails digging into Baekhyun’s skin.  “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.”

            “Oh god, oh, oh, oh, god.”  Suho had never said that to him before, he’d never heard Suho even put those two words together, and he’d never imagined that Suho could ever say it in that aching, urgent, insatiable tone.  Thrusting energetically, fucking Suho vigorously, his hips eager to satisfy Suho’s every desire, he felt his own pleasure spike uncontrollably.  He sped up his hand, jacking Suho’s red, swollen cock.  “Are you going to come?”

            Suho moaned, undulating under him, arching, nails scraping down his sides.  “I need it, Baekhyun-ah, I need it, oh, please, give it to me, give it to me hard.”

            “Fuck,” he panted, amazed.  He tried to keep up, but, shit, he was so turned on, it seemed like his own climax was only a few thrusts away.  Suho was like some intense, sexual vortex, some irresistible erotic force, some kind of beautiful sex beast sent to destroy him in an explosion of his own lust.  He was dripping with sweat and his heart was hammering and his lungs were burning and he was wild with excitement, fucking Suho urgently, his cock driving into Suho in fast, hammering thrusts.  “Like this, can you come like this?”

            “Y-y-y-yeee-eessss-s-s-s, oh, oh, Baekhyun-ah, ah, ah, ah!”  All of a sudden, Suho cried out again, hips bucking with muscular force.  The abrupt movement was too much, and Baekhyun moaned, coming helplessly, babbling gratefully, climax so fierce he clutched at Suho for support, still thrusting as he ejaculated.  Under him, Suho was coming, too, writhing with him.  Suho’s cum shot up in thick arcs, one heavy spurt landing overhead on the pillow, then two splattering over Suho’s cheek, then one on his neck and a final massive load hitting his pecs.

            “Oh, oh, god, oh, okay,” Baekhyun panted.  He couldn’t catch his breath; he had no idea how to come down from this.  He felt dizzy; he felt like someone should be applauding.  “Whee, hooray,” he said weakly, laughing.

            Suho burst into laughter.  “Oh, don’t,” he protested, shaking as he laughed.  Looking embarrassed, he grabbed at the sheet, pulling it up toward his face.  “Get this off of me.”

            “Wait, hold on, hold still,” Baekhyun said.  Leaning in, he licked the side of Suho’s face.

            “Ugh, aw, Baekhyun-ah,” Suho objected, grimacing, blushing, but he let Baekhyun do it.  “Don’t, it’s not right.”

            “Mmm, god, it’s so good,” Baekhyun said, licking it off of Suho’s neck.  He was going to be super embarrassed about saying that out loud, later.  Kissing downward, he found the puddle on Suho’s chest.  Sucking cum off of Suho’s sexy body and getting a good taste of those hard pecs, whoo, was there a better way to spend the night?

            “Ugh,” Suho complained, squirming.  “It’s not in my hair, is it?”

            “Um.”  Lifting his head, Baekhyun looked.  “No, just, uh.”  Above Suho on the bed, there was cum all over the pillow.  “Just maybe only use this side,” he said, flipping the pillow over.

            Suho groaned, slumping.  Baekhyun gave his chest another few kisses, then his neck, and then he kissed back.  They snuggled in against each other, rolling onto their sides, their arms around each other.  Suho was fantastic at cuddling after sex.

            Rubbing his side, Suho gave him a shy smile.  “Was there anything you wanted?  Something I can do?”

            “God, no, what?  There’s more?” he asked, laughing.  Suho blushed and kissed him again.  “No, it’s okay, that was enough.  I mean, I guess that’ll have to suffice, I guess I can put up with that little bit.”

            “Stop teasing,” Suho scolded, kissing him.

            “Mmm.”  Sex with Suho was always terrific, but, damn.  He could still kind of feel it, pleasure jittering in his veins.

            Baekhyun had always thought that Suho insisted on sex from behind for his sake, not for theirs.  That might have been wrong.  Apparently sex face-to-face was so intense, it was better for their health the other way.  All along, he’d been rolling over to make it easier on them.  Seriously, making him sound like that and making him look like that?  All flushed and rapturous, like sex transported him to some luscious plane of ecstasy?  “Um,” Baekhyun said, feeling self-conscious.

            “Mm?”  Suho stroked his hair and gave him a patient, attentive look.

            Ew, the leader look in bed?  Baekhyun squirmed, feeling awkward now.  “It’s nothing.”

            Suho kept petting him and giving him that look.  “You can tell me.”

            Ugh.  “It’s nothing,” he repeated, embarrassed.  “Just.  You’re kind of beautiful, sometimes.”

            Suho smiled like that had been a sweet thing to say.  “Mmm, Baekhyun-ah.”  Suho kissed him gently.  “You are, too.”



            Changjo paced the dorm, thinking.

            Suho thought that L and Changjo felt the same way about each other.

            He hadn’t expected Suho to say that.  It made it seem like what L had said might be true, in some way.  But that couldn’t be right.  L didn’t care about him that much.

            Okay, maybe L thought that he was a cute dongsaeng, or something.  They hung out or whatever.  But that didn’t mean that L had feelings.  Not real feelings.  L had been in love with C.A.P., and what about Suho?  He wouldn’t suddenly get all interested in Changjo, after that.

            Not that Changjo wasn’t great.  But L was constantly going on and on and on about Sungyeol this and Sungjong that and Dongwoo whatever and making love with the members and how spectacular it all was.  Why didn’t he just freaking marry Sungyeol, then, if coming inside of him felt so freaking “spectacular.”  Spectacular!  Seriously?

            L didn’t talk about Changjo the way he talked about any of them.  He looked at Changjo the way he looked at them, but he looked at puppies and stuffed animals and cameras that way, sometimes, too.

            Changjo didn’t like that Suho had pointed out the fact - - theory, it wasn’t an established fact yet it was a theory - - that L hadn’t noticed Changjo’s feelings but Changjo hadn’t noticed L’s, either, so it was all equal.  That wasn’t at all the same.  He hadn’t thought that L had a crush on him, but he also hadn’t used L to make Hoya jealous, or anything.

            Not that he wouldn’t have, if he’d had some reason to.  But he hadn’t!  That counted for something.

            His phone buzzed.  Disgruntled, he looked at it.  A text from L.  Three texts.  Warning himself not to let L get to him, knowing that warning was futile, he looked.

            Photos.

            L with messy hair, no make-up, and a black sweatshirt, inside a van, looking uncertainly into the camera.

            L on a couch, his head on someone’s lap, wearing a black T-shirt, looking handsome and smiling with hopeful affection.

            L on his stomach in bed, hugging a pillow, bare shoulders looking gorgeous and muscular, eyes full of stars.

            Selcas.  L had sent selcas.

            Changjo had warned him not to send any unless he wanted to be used for sex, and he’d sent three.  And that first one, in the van, that had been, what, minutes after Changjo had walked away?  Changjo had told him not to, and he’d walked out of the building and done it, right then and there.

            Changjo didn’t know what this was.  He didn’t know what to do with it.  He was in love with someone who was going to hurt him and he didn’t know how to stop it.  Didn’t know how to stop loving.  Didn’t know how to keep from getting hurt.  And what was this, what was L trying to do?  Taunt him?  Trust him?

            I warned you, he texted back.  He tried to harden his heart.  You know what happens when you send me these.

            L texted right back.  It’s okay.  I think about you, too.  My hyung asked me to stop saying your name.

            Fuck.  Fuck, fuck, fuck.  Was this trusting or taunting?  Was this flirting or just fucking with Changjo’s head?  I hate you.

            I don’t hate you.

            L was totally making things up.  Totally lying to him.  There was no way that L thought about him while jacking off.  Or while having sex!  He wondered which hyung L had meant.  But it had never happened, it couldn’t have.  He wondered what they’d been doing, though, like, had someone been giving L head, or-

            Changjo dug the heels of his palms into his eyes.  Fuck!  Pulling on his hair, he looked for something to break.  He wanted to slam his phone against the wall until it broke, but he knew it was a bad idea.  He wanted to print L’s photos out and come all over them and then mail them to L like: here, this is what I think of you, this is what you’re worth to me.  Was mailing bodily fluids a crime?  L would never get them directly, anyway, staff would see them first.

            Wondering what L would say, he texted, What about Suho hyung’s name?

            Mmm.  Once.  So embarrassing.

            Hunh.  How many times for me?

            Twice.  Hoya hyung didn’t care.  Sungyeol hyung didn’t like it.

            Changjo sucked his cheeks in, thinking about that.

So L had been topping.  Or getting blown.  Feeling so good, so turned on, cock in a hyung’s mouth, leaning back, moaning a little, thinking about Changjo.  Getting close to coming, really feeling it, fantasizing that it was Changjo down there, Changjo turning him on, Changjo’s mouth he felt.  Coming, getting off, spending his load, calling out Changjo’s name.

God, that was, like, the hottest thing ever.  Changjo would get back to hating L in a second, he just had to do something first.  Rubbing himself through his pants, he turned around to the first member he could find.  Niel, great.  “Hyung,” he said, pushing Niel toward the couch.  “I have to suck your cock for a second.  Say my name when you come, okay?”



            The day L.Joe got his phone back, the first thing he did was text Sehun.

            Then he went to see Woohyun.

            They met at Infinite’s dorm.  No one else was there.  That made him feel a little on the spot, being completely alone with a dom, but it was a relief, too, because he could say private things without worrying about what other people might think.

            They sat down and talked about other stuff for a while, catching up.  Then Woohyun smiled at him and said, “EXO’s Sehun is kind of cute.”

            He blushed, laughing self-consciously.  “He’s a little bit good-looking.”

            “How does he treat you?”

            All of a sudden he felt so embarrassed!  “It’s good.”  He met Woohyun’s eyes, then looked away and laughed again.  “I don’t know what you want me to say!  It’s good, he’s great.”

            “Are you in love with him?”

            “I.”  He’d never told anyone this before.  “I think the, um, the other part of me is.  Aish, it sounds so weird!”  He flipped his hair out of his eyes and then shook it back into place.  “I’m not, I don’t feel that way.”

            “How is it when you play together?”

            He licked his lips.  He wasn’t sure exactly how much Woohyun knew, so he didn’t know how much he’d be confessing to.  But there was only one way to answer the question.  “Perfect.  It’s perfect.”

            “Do you use your safeword?”

            “Ah, sometimes.  Usually I don’t.”  Most of the time, nothing in the world could have made him want to stop.  Woohyun was looking at him with interest, so he kept talking.  “I don’t feel like I need to.  He doesn’t do things that I don’t like.”

            “The way he talks to you, the way he touches you, how much he hurts you, everything’s okay?  I know it’s hard to tell someone about it,” Woohyun said.  “But sometimes if things aren’t quite right, you don’t know how to tell your dom that you want it to be different.”

            “It’s not like that,” L.Joe said.  “I can tell him things, if I need to.”  Ugh, so embarrassing!  “He’s always so good to me, I know he wants me to be comfortable.  He doesn’t go too far with me.  I wish he’d go farther, sometimes, but he’s careful.”

            “Farther with what?”

            L.Joe blushed, pulling his knees up.  “Is it okay to say?”

            “Ya, it’s me,” Woohyun said, squeezing his arm, giving him a reassuring smile.  “I’ve done all of it, you know you can’t surprise me.”

            It did make him feel more confident.  “I wish that he’d mark me more.  Chunji does, I don’t know why Oh Sehun can’t.  But he won’t do anything that lasts.  It’s supposed to be because of the stylists, or whoever might see, but I have bruises and scrapes all of the time, from dancing and fighting with the members.  No one’s going to know the difference.”

            “It seems like he cares about you a lot,” Woohyun said.  “When I talked to him about how you and I played at noraebang, it seemed like he was going to come through the phone to get me if I said one word he didn’t like.  I think that he’s careful with you.  He doesn’t want to hurt you.  But you could talk about compromises.  Places he can leave little marks no one will notice.  I have love bites on my inner thighs right now, but they’re high up so no one will see.”

            Could L.Joe see?  He glanced at Woohyun’s lap, but couldn’t ask.  “I want to be a good, um…  I want to be good at it, but I don’t know what to do.  It’s so different with him, than with other people, I want to be sexy for him but I don’t know the best way.”

            “It sounds like the two of you don’t play much outside of specific visits?”

            “Not much.  We want to do more, we were talking about it.”

            “If you’re out, and you see something that reminds you of him, text him a photo of it.  When you’re thinking about him, call him and tell him.  If you know you’re going to see him, wear something you know he likes and make sure he notices.  When you see him around, you can flirt with him like you’re the big sunbae and he’s a hot little dongsaeng.  It might really turn him on if you flip your roles and act like the aggressor doing him a favor.  Or you can get really coy and cute and act a little submissive like you’re dying for him to notice you.  He’ll want to bang you on the nearest table right in front of everybody.”

            Aroused, L.Joe blushed.  He and Sehun usually avoided interacting in public.  They’d talk to each other’s members and orbit around each other, but most of the time, they kept some distance.  He was fascinated by Sehun, but he was afraid that if they interacted, he’d be too obvious or do something humiliating.  Deliberately flirt?  Like he did with other guys from other idol groups?  He’d have to turn off half of his brain.  But what if he did it, and Sehun liked it?  What if it turned Sehun on?  The idea was tantalizing.

            “Does he like seeing you with other guys?”

            “Not other, um, doms,” L.Joe said.  “He hates it.  But just sex with other guys, yeah, I think he likes it.”

            “You could do that.  Have sex in front of him, just for him.  Ask him who he wants to see you with and set it up privately.  Especially if it’s just for him, he’ll love it.”

            L.Joe groaned, remembering that kiss in EXO’s hallway.  “Ugh, he’s going to ask for Chunji.”

            Woohyun laughed.  “What’s wrong with that?”

            “Aish.”  He ran his hand through his hair.  “Chunji’s too annoying.  Maybe I’ll tell him how good it is with somebody else.  Niel.  Ugh, Niel’s not sexy.”

            “Aw, Niel seems fun.”

            “I need sexier members,” L.Joe complained.  “Can I borrow some of yours?”

            “Mine?”  Woohyun laughed.  “Let me know who you think is sexy in Infinite.  I haven’t noticed anybody.”

            They talked for a while longer.  Some of it was really embarrassing and personal, but Woohyun was so friendly, L.Joe felt okay about opening up to him.  After being so conflicted about sex for so long, being able to sit down and talk everything out was a relief, even a joy.  L.Joe found himself discussing things he’d never mentioned to anyone, and laughing and joking about things he’d always been too ashamed to address.

            When he mentioned how glad he was to have someone to talk to, Woohyun suggested that he talk to Key, too.  L.Joe was friends with a lot of idols, but approaching a big sunbae from a big company to talk about that was daunting.  Woohyun said it would be okay, and called Key.

            “Mmm, what?” Key asked.

            “Kibum-ah,” Woohyun said.  “You’re on speakerphone, I’m talking to Teen Top’s L.Joe.”

            “Ah, L.Joe,” Key said.  His voice turned cute and friendly.  “Hello.”

            L.Joe smiled.  “Hi, sunbaenim.”

            “Kibum-ah,” Woohyun said.  “You know that thing?”

            “Nope,” Key said.  “Which thing?”

            “Ya, that thing.”

            “No, I don’t know.”

            Woohyun laughed.  “L.Joe wants to talk to you about it.  I’m going to give him your number.”

            “Well, text me his number, so I know who’s calling.  Our L.Joe,” Key said.  “Let’s be closer.”

            It was that easy?  “Thank you, sunbaenim.”

            “Mmm.  Woohyun-ah,” Key said.  “When are you coming to Japan?  It’s not as fun here without you, Minho’s being annoying.”

            “I live with Kim Sunggyu,” Woohyun said.  “No one’s as annoyed as I am.”

            Key laughed.  “I’ll hang up first.  I love you.  L.Joe, good-bye.”

            Woohyun smiled.  “I love you, too.”

            L.Joe wondered if Key would really talk to him.  If he’d approached Key on his own, he was sure that he wouldn’t have gotten anywhere.  But maybe Woohyun’s recommendation was good enough to get him in the door.

            The two of them talked about their groups going on MT, and how this mess between Changjo and L was screwing everything up.  They talked about sex with EXO, and he told Woohyun how he paced himself on MT, taking breaks and only doing as much as he thought he could handle.  Woohyun assured him that the Infinite members would be considerate, and that if he ever had a second of uncertainty, he should speak up.  “You can skip me, if you want to,” Woohyun offered.  “Or we can do whatever you want to do.”

            “Whatever?” he asked.  Fever lit between his legs and he shifted, a fantasy forming in his mind.

            “Sure.”  Then Woohyun laughed.  “Why, what are you thinking about?”

            What he was thinking about, all he could think about, was Woohyun going down on him.  What would it be like?  A sexy dom kneeling in front of him, blowing him.  A dom’s lips wrapped around his cock.  For his pleasure.  “Do you, um, ever give head?”

            Woohyun laughed again.  “A little thing like that?  All of the time.  If that’s all there is, I can do it right now.”

            L.Joe was on the verge of shoving his pants down and taking Woohyun up on that offer.  But he’d barely gotten his phone back; he couldn’t risk getting in trouble.  Still, Woohyun’s readiness to go for it excited him, and he made Woohyun promise that if their two teams ever, finally, went on MT, it would happen.

            When he went back to the dorm, he pulled Ricky into his room and practiced leaving love bites on Ricky’s inner thighs, to see how much work it took to make a good mark.



            In his bedroom, L stood in front of his mirror.  He stared blankly at his reflection.

            Suho had called to ask how things were going with Changjo.  He hadn’t known what to say.  He’d been texting selcas, and Changjo had been texting back, “I hate you,” and that was all.  Changjo wouldn’t answer phone calls and barely responded to any other texts, and L was afraid to go over in person and face more rejection.  The selca-hatred exchange was painful, but L was afraid to make things worse.  Being in love at all was difficult, but being in love with someone so good at getting the upper hand was terrifying.  He’d gotten used to holding people at bay, but when it came to Changjo, he had no defenses.  He was out in the open, completely exposed, and all he could do was brace himself against the pain.

            Suho was frustrated and insisted on meeting.  Not just the two of them, but Changjo, too.  L refused and resisted, but then he realized that it was okay to accept, because Changjo would never do it.  So he agreed, to placate Suho.  He wanted to see Suho, anyway.

            As soon as he hung up, he started to wish that Changjo would come.  And then his stubborn, self-destructive heart began to hope that Changjo might come.  What if, wasn’t it possible, maybe…  He told himself to stop expecting better of people than he was going to get; that was a direct route toward heartbreak.  He had to be realistic.  He had to face grim truths.  But maybe Suho would convince Changjo, maybe Changjo would give him another chance, maybe it would all work out, maybe Changjo would accept him, maybe.

            He started to get dressed to go, and then he thought about Changjo accusing him of being fake.  Torn, frustrated, he went back and forth with himself.  What was he supposed to do, show up dirty to prove something?  He was an idol, he owned nice clothes, he was constantly being filmed; Changjo was no different.  Changjo never accused Suho of being fake, and Suho was as appearance-conscious as anyone.  What the hell.

            In the end, he went bare-faced and with his hair down, like he would have, anyway, and he felt annoyed with himself for caring so much.



            “Changjo!  Put your clothes on!”

            What?  Changjo sat up in Chunji’s bed.  “Why?”

            “Did I tell you to ask me about it, or do it?” C.A.P. called back.

            Ugh!  “What does he want?” Changjo asked Chunji, getting up.

            “For you to get dressed,” Chunji said, smacking his bare ass.

            Great.  He took a quick shower, then asked C.A.P. what he was supposed to get dressed for.  C.A.P. told him to throw something on.  He considered putting on the most ugly, ridiculous outfit he could find, but he was pretty sure that he’d come to regret that.  Then he decided to use up as much time as possible.  He got dressed slowly, modeling everything for Niel and Ricky and then changing his mind.  He put on black leather pants with a red sweater and some really sexy heeled boots that Angel had bought for him.  And his favorite watch, of course.  Then he styled his hair, taking his time on it, up and parted on one side, like the stylists sometimes did it.  Cologne, sure.  Hmm, make-up.  He had on powder and was working on eyeliner when C.A.P. called, “Maknae!  Time to go!”

            “Almost ready!”  He went back to his room for some more jewelry.

            “Where are you taking him, a red carpet?” Chunji asked.

            “I guess he thinks so,” C.A.P. said.  “Maknae!  I’m counting to twenty!”  One second later: “Nineteen!”

            “That’s not funny,” Chunji said.

            “Then why are you laughing?  Twenty!”

            Changjo turned in front of the mirror.  He looked terrific.  Super hot, super sexy, and probably older than C.A.P., even.  “Look at my ass,” he told Niel, rubbing it with both hands.

            “Maybe you should stay here and do me,” Niel said.

            “Oh, oh,” Ricky said, coming into the room.  “C.A.P. hyung’s last call was from Suho hyung.  Do you think that’s where you’re going?”

            A surprise visit to Suho?  That was too good to be true.  Seriously.  Way too good to be true.  No way was C.A.P. being that good to him.  “What’s the catch?” he asked warily.

            “Maknae!” C.A.P. shouted.

            “I don’t know, but go before he decides to come and get you,” Ricky said.

            Suspicious, Changjo walked to where C.A.P. waited for him at the front door.  “Where are we going?”

            “Outside,” C.A.P. said, opening the door.

            They got in a cab, and C.A.P. gave the driver EXO’s address.  No way was he just going to hang out with Suho or have sex with EXO; C.A.P. wouldn’t keep that from him, and Suho would just invite him personally.  Suho wanted to see him for something else.

            Oh, shit.  “Is this about that jerk?” Changjo asked, sitting up straight.

            “What?” C.A.P. asked.

            Changjo reached down to unbuckle his seatbelt.

            C.A.P. slapped his hands away.  “You’re not getting out of a moving car.”

            “I’m not going to see that jerk, either.”

            But he could only do so much in public.  He couldn’t start a real argument, and he couldn’t jump up and run away, and as soon as the taxi stopped in front of EXO’s building, he was being filmed by sasaengs.  Suho had betrayed him!  “Why did Suho hyung call you?” he asked in the elevator.  “Why couldn’t he talk to me?”

            “You would’ve refused to come.”

            Suho had gone behind his back and gotten his leader to force him.  So much for trusting Suho.  Apparently everyone in his life was a lying piece of shit.  L was a lying fake who pretended to have emotions; Suho was a lying fake who pretended to be full of integrity.  And what about C.A.P.?  “You’re my leader in Teen Top, not of my private life,” he accused.  “What does this have to do with Teen Top?”

            “If you and L straighten this out, we can go on MT with Infinite.”

            “Is everything about your-”  He cut himself off and glared.  “Right foot?”

            “Yep,” C.A.P. said.  “I don’t care about you at all.”

            Which was C.A.P.’s way of telling him that C.A.P. loved him and wanted the best for him.  “Good, me neither,” he said.

            They faced the elevator door, standing side-by-side, pretending not to notice each other smiling.

            At EXO’s door, C.A.P. rang the bell.  Chen opened the door, laughed, and said, “Wow, come in.”  As they entered, he turned and called, “Suho hyung, it’s C.A.P. and Changjo!”  Then he closed the door and hugged C.A.P.  “Hi.”

            “Hey.”  C.A.P. kissed him.  “Found a boyfriend yet?”

            “No,” Chen said.  Then he smiled at Changjo.  “But I might have to borrow one of Suho hyung’s.”

            C.A.P. nudged Changjo.  “Take off your shoes.”

            “Not staying,” Changjo said, looking around like he was too busy and disinterested to make eye contact.

            “You look great tonight,” Chen said.  “So handsome.”

            “Thanks.”  He smiled at Chen and looked around some more.  He just had to wait for something to distract C.A.P.  Like sex.  “Baekhyun hyung’s here?”

            “Yeah, he heard that C.A.P. was coming over and all of a sudden had to take a shower,” Chen said.

            “Help me with his shoes,” C.A.P. said.  Shit.  Changjo turned away, but C.A.P. was faster.  C.A.P. held him, keeping him off-balance, while he grabbed at the door to keep from landing on his ass.

Laughing, Chen got one boot off, and was working on the second when Suho said, “Oh, good, you brought him.”

“Hi, hyung,” C.A.P. said.  He smacked Changjo’s ass.  “Say hello.”

Chen yanked off the other boot.  Changjo hated all of them, but couldn’t bring himself to say that to Suho’s face.  So he gave his best fake smile.  “Hi, hyung.”

Suho hugged him.  “I’m sorry that we tricked you.  You wouldn’t have come any other way.”

They could’ve at least asked.  But then he would’ve known for sure what they were up to, and he would’ve done anything, like glue the front door shut, to avoid coming here.  He hugged Suho back, and then he didn’t let go.  “That other guy’s not here yet, is he?”

“Yes, he’s in my room.  C.A.P., thank you for bringing him.  I’m sure that the members will be glad to see you.”

“Yeah, come and say hi,” Chen said.

“Behave,” C.A.P. told Changjo before leaving with Chen.

Changjo held onto Suho.  “Hyung, let’s go somewhere.  Let’s talk.  Let’s get a hotel room.  Let’s fly to Jeju Island.”

“Flying to Jeju Island on a whim for a private vacation sounds like the kind of thing an adult does,” Suho said.  “Like being mature and taking responsibility for your behavior and giving a good hyung a second chance.  Are those things you can do?”

“I already gave you a second chance.  I don’t have a thousand to give.  Not everybody gets one.”

“I understand.  You’re hurt and tired.”  Suho’s hands rubbed up and down his back.  It actually soothed him.  “L’s asleep, do you want to come and look at him?”

“Sleeping?”  Immediately, Changjo was intrigued and tempted.  He could look.  He could be with L, and not have to converse.  Asleep, L couldn’t hurt him.  “You’re sure?”

“Come.”  Suho walked backward, tugging him along.  “I’ll go in first and check.”

He let Suho walk him through the dorm.  At the doorway, Suho went in first, then waved him in.

Silently, he crept in.  At his first sight of L, his feet slowed down and his pulse sped up.  He approached the bed cautiously, hoping that L would stay asleep.

On one side, L was asleep, head on the pillow.  His face was tucked down and he had one arm across his stomach.  He looked peaceful, and younger than usual.  His feet were tucked together cutely, one behind the other.  Changjo wondered how long he’d been there.

“He’s unhappy,” Suho whispered.  “I don’t think that he’s been sleeping.”

            Changjo wasn’t going to feel sorry for him.  Not after he’d made Changjo feel so scared and furious and hurt.  Let him be unhappy.  He deserved it.

            “He told me how nice you are to sleep with,” Suho whispered.  “He said that he took a nap with you and you’re really comfortable.”

            What?  That couldn’t be true.  “Why would he say that?”

            “We talk about you all of the time, you know that.”

            “You mean, you bring me up and he listens.”

            Suho shook his head.  “He brings you up, too.”

            Why would L want to talk about him?  Maybe because he was interesting, and L’s own life was too boring to talk about.

            He’d really liked it when L had napped on him, though.  Really, really liked it.  He’d fantasized about it a lot, about what if he’d touched L more, what if L had wakened, what if they’d had sex.  He should’ve made a move.  They at least could’ve made out, or something.  Maybe L would’ve let him cop a feel.

            He’d really like to kiss L, at least once.  They’d known each other for years, they’d fought twice now, and they’d both managed to have sex with Suho before each other.  He didn’t know why L had to guard sex like it was some precious resource.  Who didn’t like to get as many blowjobs as possible?  It wasn’t like orgasms were limited and L might run out.

            He wondered what kind of boyfriend L would have been, hypothetically.  Did he really want someone so goofy and clumsy as his boyfriend?  He could do a lot better.

            Until that moment at noraebang, he’d kind of felt like the two of them got each other.  He’d been wrong about that; they didn’t understand each other at all.  But before, it had seemed like they’d developed good rapport.  There had been times that he’d been as frank with L as he would’ve been with his members, saying what was on his mind without making it polite or friendly or sanitized first.  There had been times that he’d said something just to be shocking, and L hadn’t blinked.  It was sexy as hell.

            He and L had really tried to protect each other.  After their first fight, L had turned into some kind of selfless hyung, giving up on Suho but getting really angry in trying to defend Changjo.

            Changjo hadn’t wanted to protect L from Suho, as much as from L himself.  L was his own worst enemy, sometimes.  That was another reason it was hard to walk away.  It was difficult to break that protective instinct.  L was so weird and obsessive and lonely, letting go felt like knocking out one of his pillars of support.  He didn’t have that many left, and he took forever to build new ones.  If it was true that he had a crush on Changjo, if he really did care, then if things didn’t work out between them, he was going to be that much slower in picking up someone else.  He was going to be more insecure and jaded and reluctant.  Like he could afford that.

            Changjo didn’t want that to happen to him.  He was so great, when he relaxed.  He was funny and adorable.  He was really good-natured and caring.  What if his feelings really were hurt?  What if he actually took this seriously?  What if Changjo really did matter to him?

            Yeah, Changjo was upset with L, and everything, but he didn’t actually want L to suffer.  He did, but it was like when he’d been pissed off at Suho.  He’d wanted to inflict sharp, temporary pain, not lasting harm.  He wanted to protect himself, not damage L.  When it had come down to it, when he’d really been given the chance, he hadn’t been able to take his revenge on Suho.  He hadn’t even wanted to, anymore.  He didn’t want to hurt L, either.  He hadn’t even known that he really could.

            But what if he could?

            L was already kind of messed up.  What if he made it worse?  What if, from now on, L cosplayed a little more often, and buried Kim Myungsoo a little bit deeper?

There were things in L’s past that made him the way he was.  Things that made him suspicious and selective; things that made it easier for him to put on a show than to be himself.  Changjo didn’t want to be one of them.

“I’ll go check on the members,” Suho whispered.  He closed the door when he left.

Alone with L, Changjo didn’t know what to do.  Crouching beside the bed, he folded himself up and looked into L’s face.  It was really embarrassing to be in love.  It made him feel all mushy and weak and fluttery inside.  It made him think stupid things and want silly things and hope for stuff that would never happen.  Like he shouldn’t keep thinking about the stars in L’s eyes; what kind of romantic bullshit was that?  And he shouldn’t be so preoccupied with kissing one guy, when he had such a great sex life and could pretty much screw any member of EXO he wanted any day of the week.  Why would he daydream about L being his boyfriend?  Boyfriends were a waste of time.  He had all kinds of friends and hyungs and sex partners; he didn’t need to tie himself down to one random guy.  It was inconvenient, and for what?  To have one more person to answer to?

He really, really wanted L not to care about him, because then he only had to worry about his own feelings.  If L actually had a crush on him, then he had to deal with all of his own crap and worry about L, on top of that, and that was all too much.  He was going to feel really, really terrible if he’d actually upset L as much as it seemed like he had.  The way L had acted at his dorm, and then in the bathroom, if anyone else had torn L apart like that, Changjo would’ve been out for blood.  Let anyone else replace the stars in L’s eyes with those anguished tears, and he would’ve gotten all kinds of revenge, seriously, he was furious just thinking about it.

But it hadn’t been anybody else.  There was no one he could stalk and menace and destroy.  There was only himself.

If L’s agony had been real, and lasting, then Changjo had done more than strike back.  He’d hurt himself.

If L’s attraction to him was real, if there were any deep feelings on the line, then he was denying himself what he wanted most.

It was worth it, though, if it kept him from getting hurt again.  He had to do whatever it took to protect himself.

L might be in love with him, though.  Probably not, but, still.  Maybe.  It wasn’t completely impossible.  It was still one of the possibilities in play.  And that meant that he might be rejecting, and destroying, something valuable and beautiful and rare.

He’d felt betrayed when he’d realized that L was cosplaying.  The thing was, he was in love with all facets of L.  He was completely in love with Kim Myungsoo, but he was just as in love with L, too.  And he remembered what L had said in the bathroom.  It had hit him so hard, he wasn’t going to forget it as long as he lived.

“I’m L and I’m sorry!  I’m Kim Myungsoo and I love you!  This is all there is of me, and it’s ruined, and it’s yours!”

He knew what it was like to have one name on the album jacket and another name at home.  He knew what it was like to introduce himself one way and have people who assumed that they knew him call him something else.  He knew what it was like to be overestimated and underestimated and ordered to handle the responsibilities of an adult but be called immature.  He knew what it was like to have to grow up overnight and be thrust into a world of experienced, savvy professionals all out for themselves.  He knew what it was like to feel different and be considered broken.  If he was broken, it wasn’t because he’d done it to himself.

And he wasn’t going to let anyone else do it to L.  Not anymore.  L wasn’t ruined, L was precious, and anyone trying to exploit L was going to have to go through him.

That was something, anyway.  L might hurt him again.  But L would never let anyone else touch him.

He smiled at that thought.



            A towel around his waist, Baekhyun padded out of the bathroom.  Seeing Suho standing outside of their bedroom, idly messing around on the phone, he moved to open the door.  If Suho was out here, nothing very private could be happening in there.

            Suho pushed his hand back down and whispered, “You see a closed door.”

            Yes, but, “I have to get dressed.”

            “Why?  C.A.P.’s here.”

            “I can’t just walk up and say hello while I’m naked.”

            Suho didn’t even glance down.  “Why not?”

            Didn’t it seem a little…  Well, this was his dorm, and it wasn’t like C.A.P. hadn’t already seen everything, and technically he did have a towel, and if everything went well his clothes wouldn’t stay on very long, anyway.  “You’re going to give me a bad reputation,” he warned Suho.  “Who’s in there, L and Changjo?”

            Suho nodded.  “They’re working things out.  I hope.”

            “Or silently murdering each other?”

            “Of course not.”  Suho cast the door a thoughtful glance.



            L wondered if Suho had managed to convince C.A.P. to bring Changjo.  Probably not.  Changjo would probably rather do anything else than come and see him, and C.A.P. had no reason to force the issue.

            Depressed, L didn’t even feel like waking up.  But he could only hide in Suho’s room for so long.  Ugh, he’d made such a mess of everything, and he didn’t know how to fix it.  He wished that Suho knew, but he couldn’t expect miracles.  Miserable, grimacing, he opened his eyes.

            Changjo was crouched on the floor.  Within touching distance.  Looking right at him.

            L froze.  If Changjo wasn’t currently trying to kill him, he wanted to hold onto this moment for as long as he could.  Silent, unmoving, he looked.

            Changjo didn’t look hostile.  He also didn’t seem to be holding anything sharp.  Had he been out somewhere?  He looked gorgeous.  So sexy, fuck.  That thin, red sweater hung perfectly, emphasizing his shoulders and showing off his pecs.  His hair was up and styled like he’d just been performing, and his eyeliner was thick.  L was privately furious with the Teen Top members for not kissing him more; didn’t they appreciate anything?  His full, well-shaped lips were one of his best features.  L loved his sexy, lying mouth.

            L loved everything about him.  All of him, without qualification.  Including his deviousness and his boundary pushing and his manipulative cunning and his capacity for revenge.  Including the way he ran hot and cold, how he could seem perfectly normal, and then eerily emotionally disengaged, and then emotionally intense.  Including the way he refused to forgive and refused to forget.

            But it was that tendency to overreact that was hurting L now.  Changjo’s defenses were up, and he didn’t have what it took to pull them down.  Maybe it was better this way.  He’d already hurt Changjo once.  He didn’t want it to happen again, any more than Changjo did.  Maybe it was better, for both of them, if Changjo never forgave him.  His priority was to protect Changjo’s heart, even from himself.

            Changjo got up, and L swallowed.  He braced himself for whatever might happen next.  Changjo moved away, and in that instant, as he realized that Changjo was about to leave the room, he told himself to let it happen, that it was better this way, that he had to let Changjo go.  In the past, he’d given his heart to people who could never understand it, and he’d suffered for it, but now he’d given his heart to someone too much like him, and he was suffering for that, too.  He couldn’t even watch; he just stared at the side of Suho’s nightstand, unwilling to see Changjo walk out of his life.

            Just as he was quarreling with himself, berating himself for not going after Changjo, berating himself for thinking that would make a difference, Changjo walked around behind him.  And then crawled onto the bed.  Not understanding, he held still.  What was happening, what was Changjo up to now?

            Fitting against him as naturally as if they slept like this every night, Changjo spooned up behind him.

            Not trusting it, L told himself to stay braced for impact.  This unpredictable maknae, was this the prelude to a scathing verbal attack?  Was Changjo mocking him with what he wanted most?  Taunting him with what he’d never have?  Joy and hope awakened inside of him, stuttering, painfully uncertain.

            Changjo’s hand rested on his upper arm.  He felt Changjo’s nose brush the back of his neck, and he closed his eyes.  It hurt too much, this was going too far, Changjo shouldn’t do this to him.  Rejecting his love was one thing, but taunting him with his own desires was too cruel.

            “Tell me the truth.  The real, honest truth,” Changjo said.  His voice was quiet but natural, not hostile, not mean.  “Don’t even talk and explain, just yes or no.  Do you have a crush on me?”

            The complete truth was, no, he didn’t have a crush.  But if he said no, it would make Changjo think that he didn’t care.  But if he said yes, it would be only a partial truth.  He was overthinking this, but it was too important a question.  Changjo wasn’t asking lightly, and he couldn’t answer lightly, either.  Troubled, he chewed on his lip, feeling like every answer was the wrong one.

            “Are you in love with me?”

            He nodded.  He felt scared, like he’d just jumped off of something without looking to see where he’d land.  But he couldn’t hold back from Changjo, not after all of the miscommunication that had gotten them to this excruciating place.

            Changjo’s arm wrapped around him, pulling him back more snugly against Changjo’s chest.  This was some unbearable paradise, some beautiful hell.  What was this leading up to, when would the knife slide in?  With Changjo behind him, he’d never see it coming.  But he was so glad to be here, so thrilled to be in Changjo’s arms, in this intimate position, with Changjo’s soft voice in his ear, that his grip on his precarious resistance kept slipping, and for long, sweet seconds he felt nothing but love and pleasure.  “Do you love me more than everybody else?  I don’t mean your members, I mean more than other guys, like C.A.P. hyung and those crappy guys you used to hang out with.”

            He nodded.  Changjo came first for him.  And he liked that Changjo cared about things like that.  Maybe other people thought that it was wrong, or selfish, or demanding, but it mattered to him to know that he was a priority, and it mattered to Changjo, too.  He didn’t want to have a conflict and wonder if his friends would take his side.  Someone like Changjo wanted to know where everyone stood, and the two of them recognized that in each other.  His hand covered Changjo’s on his stomach, treasuring this intimacy.

            Changjo’s nose rubbed lightly across his shoulder.  He wanted to roll over, to see Changjo’s expression, to be face-to-face.  Changjo’s thumb brushed back and forth over his stomach in a slow sweep.  Contemplatively, Changjo asked, “We really fucked this up, didn’t we?”

            No.  L shook his head slowly, weighed down by regret.  “Not both of us.  Just me.”

            “No.”  Changjo sounded thoughtful.  “I think it was both of us.”

            He meant it; he was including himself.  He was saying that they were in this together.  L hated hearing him accept any of the blame.  But if they were in this together, could they find a way out of it together, too?  “Changjo-ah.”  L was afraid to hope.  Hope was a dangerous emotion.  “Changjo-ah, can you tell me what happened and what you want?  If this is all a way to mess with me, I’d rather be punched in the face again.”

            “I don’t want to hurt you.”  Changjo nuzzled his shoulder.  Relief washed over him, and then again, stripping away another layer of regret each time.  “I’m not going to hit you, and I don’t want to argue.”

            “What.”  L was afraid to know.  “What do you want?”

            Changjo’s nose pressed against his nape.  His voice was a whisper.  He sounded scared and brave.  “I’m Changjo.  And I’m sorry.”  He lowered his head, his forehead against L’s shoulder.  “I’m Choi Jonghyun, and I love you.”

            I love you.  L’s throat was suddenly clogged with emotion; his grip tightened on Changjo’s hand.  Changjo was in love with him.  In love with him and willing to confess to it.  This wasn’t any kind of hell at all, this was only a perfect, unexpected paradise.  The tension he’d been carrying inside, his pain and his fear, his dread and his terrible uncertainty, broke, and he felt a flood of joy, and regret, and relief, and gratitude.  Hot tears dripped onto the pillow and he pressed his lips together, holding back a sob.

            “You’re not crying, are you?”

            He shook his head, sniffing.

            “Hyung.”  Changjo pushed up on one elbow, looking over his shoulder.  Embarrassed, he turned his face toward the pillow.  The sound of Changjo’s laughter was the most beautiful sound he could’ve heard in that moment.  “Hyung!  Aw.”  Changjo hugged him, chin resting on his shoulder.  “Crying over something so little.  All kinds of people are in love with you, do you cry over all of them?”

            They didn’t all know him so well.  They didn’t all pull on his heart so insistently.  He sniffed again.  “They don’t all confess so prettily.”  Needing to be closer, he rolled over, hugging Changjo to himself.  It was incredible, to be able to hold onto Changjo, to feel Changjo so solid and strong and wonderfully tangible in his arms.  Changjo felt so real, so alive, he could hardly believe that the world was being this good to him.  The breadth of Changjo’s shoulder, the softness of Changjo’s thin sweater, the abrupt squeeze as Changjo’s arms closed around him, he wished that he could stay in this moment forever.  Suddenly so happy that he was smiling, laughing, he blinked the tears out of his eyes and looked at Changjo’s face.

            Changjo’s eyes glittered with happiness, bright with energy and interest.  He was so glad to see Changjo so happy, he lost his heart all over again.  With a soft hum, he stroked along Changjo’s jaw.  He loved Changjo.  He loved this face.  He loved those happy eyes and he loved this cute nose and he loved the way Changjo was trying not to smile.  He loved Changjo’s irrepressible spirit and he loved the playful good humor turning up the corners of Changjo’s mouth and he loved everything, everything.

            He wanted to be closer to Changjo, wanted to be even more intimate.  He stroked his thumb across Changjo’s mouth and he felt heat pool in his stomach.  He couldn’t look away from Changjo’s full lips.  He wanted to, needed to, just for a minute…

            He leaned in, closing his eyes.  He kissed Changjo, and as soon as it started, Changjo kissed him back.  Aching with desire, he deepened the kiss, lusting after more, more.  His hand caressed Changjo’s neck, fingers sliding back into Changjo’s hair, and he loved the way Changjo kissed, so deep, so insistent, such a pushy dongsaeng, always trying to control things.  His hand slid over Changjo’s waist, pulling on that soft sweater, squeezing Changjo’s hip, and he pressed closer, wanting to be nearer, wanting to feel Changjo against himself, wanting to feel Changjo’s solidity like a wall from head to toe.  Changjo’s hand slid over his thigh, and that simple movement turned him on, lit him up, because Changjo was touching him, Changjo wanted him, he might be able to have this, he needed it, yes.

            Moaning, he kept kissing Changjo, their tongues stroking and dueling.  Changjo guided him closer, urging him onward, their thighs locking together, their hips moving against each other.  He’d done these things countless times before, and his body knew exactly what to do, but this was Changjo, and everything felt new.  He cherished every instant of it, every kiss, every caress.  Changjo was a thrill to him, an erotic treasure, and he couldn’t get enough.

            L didn’t know how long they made out, twined together, kissing, Changjo’s hands making their way under his shirt and wonderfully confident on his body, Changjo’s hard-on rubbing against him and creating such a delicious buzz of friction that he couldn’t stop moaning.  He’d never loved Changjo so freely, and it felt fantastic to kiss without inhibition, to be able to caress and clutch and feel Changjo under his hands.  Changjo was sexy and assertive and precious to him, and he basked in every kiss like it was a dream he didn’t want to wake up from.

            He was completely in the moment, a creature of sensuality and desire, and nothing mattered more to him than this intimacy, this tender heat, the seductive pleasure of Changjo’s mouth on his.

Changjo, however, was always thinking ahead, always pushing for more, and it wasn’t a surprise when he sat up and pulled his sweater off, tossing it to the floor.  He moved right back into L’s arms, and he was so sexy, L felt hot, carnal craving.  His body was so muscular, those muscles so well-defined, he was fascinating to L’s hands.  Caressing him, L’s fingertips traveled over gorgeous terrain, the corded muscle of his back, the hard swell of his pecs.  He was so beautiful, so special, that touching wasn’t enough, and L kissed his shoulder, kissed his chest, wanting to taste him, adore him, consume him.

Changjo was trying to take L’s shirt off, too.  Annoyed by the distraction, he got rid of it, and he was immediately glad that he had.  The sensation of Changjo’s naked upper body against his own was intensely arousing, the slide of bare skin captivating and seductive.  Groaning, he undulated, writhing against Changjo, seeking out that sensual thrill.  His hands splayed over Changjo’s ribcage, he kissed downward, getting a thorough taste, his mouth lingering on every gorgeous patch of silky skin.  Following the curve of Changjo’s pec, he came to a nipple, pink and hard and enchanting.  Wondering how sensitive it was, he licked it, his mouth closing over it, his hands caressing over Changjo’s sides as he sucked.

“Shit, hyung, okay,” Changjo said, shuddering.  Lusting, he raised his head, and they kissed again, again.  He loved the sexual aggression simmering behind Changjo’s kisses, and the greedy, pulling way Changjo’s hands traveled his torso turned him on so much that he kept writhing, twisting, arching away a little just so that Changjo would guide him back in.  He wanted to go back to Changjo’s nipple again, that bewitching little dot of pink, but his mouth was otherwise engaged.  He slid his hand upward, his thumb sweeping out, searching, and once he found the stiffness of Changjo’s nipple, he rubbed over it, teasing it.  Changjo shivered again, squirming against him.  He’d just found a way to make Changjo squirm.  Fascinated, he couldn’t have been happier, and he kissed Changjo faster, even more turned on now, even more in love.

“Ungh, hyung.”  Changjo squeezed his ass, rocking against him.  “You’re so hard.”

“I want you,” he breathed, or he’d meant to, but what came out was, “I love you.”

“Don’t say things like that during sex,” Changjo complained.

Taken aback, he laughed.  “Why?”

“Just, do you have to?”  Changjo nudged him back and started on his fly.

Moaning, he looked down, watching Changjo’s confident hands, his hips lifting.  “What, oh, mmmmm, oh, what should I say instead?”

“I don’t know, tell me how hot I am or how sexy my cock is.”  Changjo pushed his pants down to his thighs.

“But I haven’t seen it yet.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about that, hyung, you’re about to.”

He laughed at that, relaxing back and lifting his hips again as Changjo pulled down his underwear.  The way Changjo said, “Fuck,” in an amazed and almost irritated tone made him laugh again, and he rubbed his hard-on as he kicked his clothes the rest of the way off.

“Do you have to be that good-looking everywhere?” Changjo asked, sounding fed up.

Feeling lusty, feeling horny, he reached out, shifting, pulling Changjo under himself.  “Yes,” he said, kissing Changjo again.

“Seriously,” Changjo said.  “This is getting annoying.”  He was talking a lot, and L kissed him in between words, kissed his cheeks, kissed his neck.  “I like other guys’ bodies, but I wouldn’t put them on the wall and call them art.”

“Mmm.  Stop flattering me, I’m already going to have sex with you,” he said, and kissed Changjo’s mouth.  He ran his hand in between Changjo’s thighs, cupping, and Changjo made a pained, excited sound and rocked against him.  Not wanting to tease, he went straight for Changjo’s fly.  Changjo helped him, wriggling and kicking, and soon Changjo was as naked as he was, and rolling him over, getting on top.

Running his hands up Changjo’s thighs, he stared, taking everything in.  He couldn’t possibly love Changjo more than he already did, but, wow.  He couldn’t believe that this was his Changjo, that he could see everything, that he had his naked Changjo right here in his hands.  So much bare, taut skin.  He licked his lips, his gaze riveted by that hard, gorgeous cock.  That lengthy, thick shaft beckoned him.  That plump, red head made his mouth water.  Groaning, he coaxed Changjo closer.

Moving right in, not really needing the encouragement, Changjo rocked against him.  As their erections slid together, Changjo’s hard cock against his sensitive flesh, he groaned again.  He was too turned on to play around anymore; his body’s needs were too urgent.

Shifting, he started to roll on top, and that was when Changjo reached toward the corner of the bed.  Realizing what Changjo was doing, he tried to get there first.  Immediately, they were wrestling, both trying to push the other one down, both trying to grab the lube.  Changjo was only willing to be so aggressive with a hyung, so he ended up on top.

Changjo, however, had the lube, and he hid one hand behind his back, looking up at L with an impish smile.

“Ya.”  L tried to be stern but found him completely irresistible.  “Hyung’s privilege.  You can top next time.”

“Maybe hyung could be next time,” Changjo suggested.

God, L loved him so much.  “Don’t be a brat,” L said, kissing him.  “Remember how much hyung loves you, and take pity.”

“Mmm.”  Changjo sucked at L’s lower lip, nibbling on it, toying with it.  “Mmm, if you love me so much, you should let me have my way with you and do whatever I want.”

Laughing, L pinched him.  “That’s not how it works!”

Their faces close, their noses brushing, Changjo smiled up at him charmingly.  “It’s not?”

He gave in immediately.  He couldn’t resist anything about this dongsaeng.  Climbing cheerfully on top of him, Changjo was playful and aggressive, kissing him and smiling at him and groping his cock until he arched his back and dug his nails into Changjo’s back and cried out.  “Ah-oohhh-oh, please, wait, I don’t want to come until you’re inside me.”

“Face-to-face?” Changjo asked.

He opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out, only a long, stuttering moan.  Changjo’s finger was inside of him, breaching his body, slick and confident.  Pleasure sparked and he gripped Changjo’s side, needing something to hold onto.  He wasn’t used to Changjo touching him here, but he should’ve expected this, should’ve expected Changjo to be so assertive, so self-assured, so skilled.  “Changjo-ah.”  Moaning, he felt his whole body seize up around a hot, feverish jolt.  “Uuohh-ohhh-uhhohh, Changjo-ah.”  The needy ache of his cock and the quick, sweet bursts of pleasure popping inside of him made him writhe.

Changjo laughed.  “You think you’re a top?”

He groaned again, hauling Changjo closer.  “Shut up and fuck me.”

“Well, okay, hyung, if you’re going to be so demanding.”

When Changjo’s finger slipped out of him, he grunted, unsatisfied, reaching for Changjo’s cock.  Changjo was spreading lube onto it, and it was an incredible sensation, that hard, silky shaft in his hand, hot and slippery.  “Fuck, fuck, oh, shit,” Changjo gasped, bucking into his fist.  Knowing what he needed, knowing that this would help, he guided Changjo’s erection inside of himself.

The glorious fullness of penetration both soothed and excited his craving.  Changjo sank deep, stretching him open and bathing him in molten ecstasy.  Without so much as pausing for breath, Changjo started fucking him, thrusting.  The rhythm was immediate, quick, and the pleasure was relentless, bombarding him with unceasing electric bliss.  Panting for breath, he dragged Changjo closer, holding on, wanting to surround himself in sensation, in this passionate intimacy, in Changjo.

“Unnnh, hyung, god,” Changjo groaned, thrusting into him.  He rubbed his cheek against Changjo’s, moaning, tilting his face up to feel Changjo’s breath against his lips.  “I can’t, if it’s relationship sex, I’ll come too soon.”

“Good, I want you to.”  He was euphoric, riding erotic ecstasy the whole way to the sun.  “I want to feel you come.”

“I’m trying to make it good,” Changjo panted, rocking into him, hips pumping steadily between his thighs.  “Spectacular.  Magnificent.”

Higher, higher, past the sun.  “Ahhhh-hh-ahhh!  Ah, Changjo-ah.”  Wherever Changjo was sending him, he was almost there.  “I’m going to come, oh, mmm, I’m going to come,” he gasped, tightening his hold.

“No, no, not yet!”

“Mmmmm,” but he needed it.  Ready for it, he reached for his erection.

Grabbing his hand, Changjo pinned it overhead.

He, but he, “Ooohhh,” he couldn’t think, he could only feel, the steady driving of Changjo’s hips sending him higher and higher.  He was so close, so close, “Ooohh, mmmm, I need it.”  Shifting his legs just to relish the slide of Changjo’s skin against his own, the fast pace of Changjo’s thrusts, he groaned.  “Dongsaeng-ah,” he breathed, nuzzling Changjo’s cheek.  “Kiss me.”

“Hyung, god, unnnnhh, oh, it’s too good,” Changjo moaned.  “I, ooohh, fuck, are you always like this?”

The sensation of being pinned turned him on, and he writhed, kissing Changjo’s chin.  “Are you always so delicious?” he whispered, licking Changjo’s skin, the tip of his tongue dragging along the line of Changjo’s jaw.

“Fuck, okay, no more face to face,” Changjo said, letting go of his wrist and covering his face with one hand.

Taken by surprise, laughing, he pushed Changjo’s hand away.  “Brat!”

“I can’t do you if you’re kissing me and clinging to me!”

He stared at Changjo, perplexed.  “Why not?”

“It’s too much!  You can’t look like this and act like this, too!  I’m going to come too soon!”

He blinked.  “How long do you expect sex to last?”

“Don’t your members nail you for hours?”

“Not every time!  Why are we talking about them?”

“They’ve given me a lot to live up to!”

L laughed.  Changjo could be so foolish, sometimes!  “You’re so cute.  Changjo-ah, no one’s comparing anything.  You’re you, this is this, that’s all that matters.”

“Everybody compares!”

“For what?”  He drew Changjo closer again, luxuriating in the sensual pleasures of his gorgeous dongsaeng’s hard, virile body.  “Right now, there’s only this, there’s only you.  This is all I care about,” he promised, and he kissed Changjo’s mouth.  “I love you,” he whispered, gazing into Changjo’s eyes.  “Don’t worry about anything, just do what feels good.”

            For a long moment, Changjo just looked down at L with a happy, wondering expression.  “The stars are so bright tonight,” he said, and he kissed L again.  L wanted to ask what he meant by that, but he started moving again, hips picking up the rhythm.

L’s body responded immediately, pleasure quickening inside of him, building in intensity, every thrust adding a new flame to the blaze of ecstasy.  He soaked up Changjo, treasuring each incredible minute they spent interlocked.  Whenever he pulled Changjo close enough, he stole long, intoxicating kisses, drunk on pleasure, nuzzling and licking, breathing in Changjo’s scent.  Whenever Changjo was too far away to kiss, he contented himself with touching and looking, caressing whatever he could reach while he stared up into Changjo’s face.  Gazing into Changjo’s eyes while Changjo moved steadily inside of him was a profoundly intimate experience, and he felt cleansed by it, felt healed, felt like love could be as tangible as Changjo was.  On top of him like this, rocking into him with quick, deep strokes, Changjo looked determined and focused one moment, then happy and smug when their eyes met, then shy and cute when their gazes held for too long.  Changjo’s gaze would skitter away, and he’d let it go, soaking up sensation, moaning as that ecstatic blaze built to an inferno.  Writhing, moving, he’d groan and cry out, the rhythm of Changjo’s body over his matching the pace of his building pleasure.  But no matter how close to orgasm Changjo drove him, his fiercest lust wasn’t for climax, it was for Changjo.  Seeking reconnection, he’d caress Changjo’s face, maybe run his fingers across Changjo’s parted lips, and Changjo would look down again, recognition and happiness lighting up those brown eyes.

When he couldn’t hold back anymore, and his body’s urges became explosive demands, he guided Changjo’s hand to his erection.  Changjo’s fingers wrapped around his cock, and he groaned in relief, his head tipping back.  “Yes, Changjo-ah.”  It was quick and tight, and his hips rose, pushing upward.  Gasping, he struggled to pull in air, “Ahh-ah,” his hand sliding up Changjo’s arm, “ohh-hho-ohh,” rubbing, squeezing solid muscle, “ah-ah, ya!”  One final explosion, his muscles clenching tight, rapturous bliss reverberating through him.  He’d flown so high for so long, he came with what felt like cataclysmic force, his body shocked into climax by Changjo’s fast, stripping pulls.  “Oouuuhh, Changjo-ah, Changjo-ah.”  Tugging Changjo down, wanting to be close as he came, he mouthed at Changjo’s shoulder, biting down as he felt his cum land on his chest.

“Uunnnhh, hyung, fuck.”  Thrusting into him forcefully, clutching at his hip, Changjo groaned.  Coming, Changjo was coming, shuddering against him, groaning again, and he stared upward, wanting to see it.  There was a moment of tension, strain lining Changjo’s face, and then Changjo relaxed into a brief instant of dreamy bliss, an expression so euphoric and satisfied that he ate it up with hungry eyes.  Then Changjo smirked down at him, looking impossibly smug.  Mischievous playfulness lurked around the edges of that smile, and he smiled back, pulling Changjo down for another kiss.

He thought that he should mark the moment with a few words, but he had nothing to say.  Nothing to share that he hadn’t already shared through his body.  He and Changjo traded soft, messy kisses, and he hummed with contentment, savoring Changjo’s solidity against him.  When Changjo dipped down his body, he tugged at Changjo’s hair, not ready to stop kissing yet.

“Hold on.”  Changjo’s tongue swiped across his chest.  Captivated, he watched.  He’d never seen Changjo do this before, or felt it, either.  Other guys, sure, but never his Changjo.  So assertive, so sexy.  He caressed the back of Changjo’s neck, wanting to feel that tongue visit other places.

“Hmm.”  Changjo lifted his head, swallowing.  He nodded and gave L a calmly approving look.  “Not bad.”

Laughing, he smacked Changjo’s shoulder, and Changjo grinned, kissing him.  “You’re not bad, either,” he said, rolling onto his side, bringing Changjo with him.  Pulling Changjo flush against himself, legs twined together, he gazed into Changjo’s eyes.  He felt lazy and at peace and incredibly happy.  He felt fulfilled.  Breathing Changjo in, he closed his eyes, touching forehead to forehead.  “Mine,” he murmured.

“That stuff you said, about ‘there’s only you, there’s only this, just do what feels good,’” Changjo said.  “You were just saying that to shut me up, weren’t you?  You don’t want me to realize I’m the worst sex you’ve ever had.”

“Ya!”  Eyes flying open, he laughed.  “What’s this?  You’re not the worst!  You’re wonderful.  Best, you’re the best,” he said, cupping Changjo’s face and dotting kisses over Changjo’s lips and across the bridge of Changjo’s nose.  “You’re my favorite.”

Changjo eyed him suspiciously.  “No complaints?  No improvements?”

“What would I complain about?”  He loved staying pressed right up against Changjo’s naked body, hard muscle and satiny skin.  “Does anyone else complain?”

Changjo grunted.  “You wanted to get off so soon.  Why?  I thought you went forever with your members.”

“Soon?  We made out for ages.”

Changjo frowned at him.  “So?  That doesn’t count.”

Snorting, he squeezed Changjo’s firm ass.  “Have you even heard of foreplay?”

“Kissing isn’t foreplay.  Foreplay’s, like, when you lick my cock before I put it in you.”

“Aish.”  Terribly fond of him, L stroked his side.  “Foreplay can be a lot of things.  Kissing counts.”  Such a sexy mouth.  “Your members don’t appreciate you enough.  They don’t deserve you.”

“Tell me about it.”

His thoughts slow and dreamy, he snuggled up, tucking Changjo under his chin.  One hand in Changjo’s hair, he closed his eyes.  When Changjo’s arm circled his waist, holding on too tightly like he might disappear, he kissed the top of Changjo’s head.  He wondered what that thing about stars had meant.  It had sounded like poetry, but there was no way that Changjo recited poetry during sex.  Or ever.  Lyrics, maybe?  “What’d you say about bright stars?”

“Nothing.”

Immediately, he knew that he had to find out more.  His hand under Changjo’s chin, he lifted Changjo’s face, trying to read Changjo’s eyes.  “What was it about stars?”

Changjo avoided meeting his gaze.  “Nothing.”

“Was it song lyrics?”

“I write better lyrics than that.”  Changjo kissed him.

He turned his head, breaking the kiss.  “You can’t change the subject.”  Why would Changjo not want to tell him?

Changjo chuckled easily, dismissively.  “Hyung, it’s nothing.  You hold onto ideas too much.”

Uneasy, he frowned.  “Don’t lie to me.  If you don’t want to tell me, say that.  I’d rather hear that then lies.”

Changjo’s expression changed, his blithe smile darkening into a look of resentment.  He pulled back, turning his face away.

L’s heart stopped beating.  Everything they’d just shared, and Changjo could take it all away, just like this?  “We agreed.  We won’t lie to each other.  We’re both too good at faking it.  How is it going to be if you always wonder if I’m being honest with you?  Be mean if you have to be, be ugly if you have to be, but don’t manipulate me.”

For a tense, awful moment, Changjo stayed aloof.  Then he scowled and flopped against L, his arm around L’s waist.  “Fine,” he muttered.  “It’s stupid, it’s private, I’m not telling you about it.”

He was so relieved, he smiled, glad to have Changjo close again.  “Okay.”  He stroked Changjo’s side.  “I won’t ask again.  Say it whenever you want.”

“I like you too much,” Changjo muttered, snuggling closer against him.  “It’s weird.  You make me feel weird emotions and think weird thoughts and want weird things.”

Adoring him, L gazed down at him, caressing his cheek.  “Love is funny.  Weird things like what?”

“Like I really want you to be my boyfriend.  I want you to think of me that way and call me that to other people.”  Changjo grimaced and walked his fingers down L’s ribcage.  “So embarrassing.”

L had fantasized about their being boyfriends, but he hadn’t wanted to push for it too soon.  “It would be okay if we do that.  I want it, too.”

Changjo opened his mouth, then closed it.  Frowning, he walked his fingers more slowly over L’s body.  He squirmed like he was uncomfortable.

The longer it went on, the more L started to worry.  “What?” L asked, laughing to cover his own tension.  “Just say it.”

“Ugh, this is too difficult,” Changjo complained, poking him in the chest.  “Am I just supposed to say what I’m thinking all of the time?  What if it sounds funny?  What if it’s weird or embarrassing or you take it the wrong way?”

            This devious kid.  Having an honest relationship might take more work than L had realized.  “Sometimes things are embarrassing, it’s okay.”

            “What if I get to manipulate you once a day?”

            “No,” L said, laughing, stroking his hair.  “No, let’s be honest.  We’ve had a lot of honest conversations, before.  You’re honest with your members, aren’t you?”

            “Yeah.  Mostly.  I don’t know, what’s manipulative and what’s not?  What about aegyo, isn’t that manipulative?”

            “You should always, always do aegyo with me,” L said, kissing him.  “But saying something just to get a reaction to lead me down the path you want isn’t okay.  Just take the direct route and tell me everything up front.  And don’t use sex to get what you want, I don’t like that.”

            Changjo sighed unhappily but kept snuggling up against him.  Loving this affectionate closeness, he kept petting Changjo.  “I want you to ask me to be your boyfriend.  I’ll say yes, but I want you to ask.  Not now, sometime when we’re dressed.  ‘Changjo-ah, hyung wants you to be his boyfriend.’  Like that.”

            L couldn’t have been happier.  “You’ve thought about it this much?”

            Changjo rubbed his hand over L’s hip and walked his fingers down L’s bare thigh.  After a moment, he said, “I don’t want to answer that.”

            L laughed and kissed him.



            Changjo tried to keep L in bed as long as possible.  His main reason was that he finally, really had L naked and in bed with him, touching him like he was irresistible and smiling at him like he was everything good in the world.  Plus it was Suho’s bed, which automatically made things sexier.  Plus, he had no idea how they were actually going to make this relationship work, and he wanted to hold onto this terrific, perfect moment as long as he could.  When things went bad, they were going to go catastrophically bad, and he wanted to put that off for as long as possible.

            L kept trying to get up.  He really wanted to distract L with sex, or at least with kisses, but after what L had just said, his conscience wouldn’t let him.  So he used conversation, instead, and then he finally just tried honesty and pointed out that it would be such a great thing if they stayed in bed long enough that Suho had to come in and check on them.  L got all full of integrity and crap and ruined his fun time by pointing out that was kind of a terrible thing to do to Suho.  He argued that it would be fine, but L made him get up, anyway.

            He had to slither back into his leather pants.  All of L’s petting had completely ruined his hair, and he tried to finger-comb it back into some kind of style.  While he focused on that, L started groping his ass.  See, he’d known these pants worked for him.  He was so happy with everything, so happy about L, that he turned around and gave L a tight, hard squeeze.  L hugged him, wrapping him up and holding onto him.  L was kind of a leech.  But that was okay, he liked it.  They stood there for a while, and L chewed lightly on his shoulder for a minute, and he smiled, completely in love with this weird hyung.

            Finally, L was finished hugging him.  L put the lube back under the mattress and tried to smooth out the sheets.  Changjo was pretty sure that their smell was all over that bed now, and that Suho was going to change those sheets immediately, but it was a turn-on to pretend that Suho might leave the sheets on and sleep there, or get laid there.

            Changjo followed L out of the room.  He could hear Kai taking it from C.A.P. down the hallway.  Nice.

Suho was in the living room, on the couch, D.O. slumped against him looking mostly asleep.  When they walked in, he looked up, froze with that super-tense look he got when he was about to panic about sex, and then got over it and smiled.  It was a big, proud smile, his eyes lighting up.  “How was it?”  Then he blushed and squeezed his eyes shut, laughing, putting a hand out to shut them up.  “Not that!”  Opening his eyes, he smiled again.  “The talk, the conversation, did you figure things out?”

“You don’t want to hear about the sex?” Changjo asked.

“I do,” Chen called from the kitchen.  “I don’t mind, I’ll listen.”

“Ah, we can’t talk here,” Suho said.  He moved like he was about to get up, and then he paused.  Changjo could see him thinking.  Normally they had privacy in Suho’s room, but that was where all of the sex had just happened.  Maybe they could talk in another bedroom, but C.A.P. was going from room to room and member to member, nailing everybody.  There wasn’t really anywhere to go.  Suho sat back and patted D.O.’s thigh.  “Go to bed.”

D.O. made an unhappy, tired sound and got up.  “Night,” he mumbled, leaving.

Changjo immediately took his spot.

L pushed Changjo onto the floor and took the spot for himself.

No problem.  Changjo climbed into L’s lap.  “Oof!  God, you’re heavy,” L said.

“I know, I carry a lot of weight in my cock,” he said, tucking his toes under Suho’s thigh.

“And your ego,” L said.

            Comfortable, he relaxed against L’s chest.  Suho smiled at him and rubbed his ankle.  “In a good mood?”

            “Maybe.”  He smiled back.  “You’re going to change your sheets as soon as we leave, aren’t you?”

            “Yes,” Suho said immediately.  L laughed.  He liked it; he could feel L shake against him.  “You’ve talked?  You’ve come to an understanding?”

            He didn’t know what to say.  It was kind of embarrassing.  It was all really personal.  It might be easier if he could talk to Suho alone.

            “We.”  L laughed again.  “Why is it so awkward?  Yes, we talked.”

            “It’s been hard on both of you, lately,” Suho said.  “I’ve worried about you.  I hope that from now on, you can take care of each other.”

            “Yes.”  That one, Changjo knew the answer to.  He was going to look out for L, no matter what.

            “We think that it’ll be good if we’re honest with each other,” L said.  “About everything, even if it’s hard.”

            He wanted to say, “You think so,” but he knew that L was right.  It would be better if they were open about everything.  If they couldn’t trust each other to be honest about little things, they’d never trust each other about the big things, and even if they didn’t actually lie, their suspicion would kill their relationship as soon as it started.  They could deceive the rest of the world, but they were going to have to be direct when it came to each other.  “I might have some bad habits it’ll be hard to break.”

            “You’re good at being honest,” Suho said.  L snorted.  “Ya, he is!  What about with Ricky, you’re honest with him, aren’t you?”

            Yeah, but Ricky was Ricky.  “He’s my best friend.”  They’d been close for years; Ricky got him.

            “It can be tricky to build up trust,” Suho said.  “But it’s worth the effort.”

            Changjo didn’t look at L’s face.  It was an uncomfortable thing to have it just put out there in the open that he didn’t trust L.

            “You’re good at being honest, too,” Suho told L.  “You’re very open with your members.”

            L scratched the back of his head.  “It’s easy with them.  They know me.”

            “The two of you became very close.  Don’t let what happened only recently color everything else.  You’ve opened up to each other and looked out for each other a lot.”  Suho smiled.  “This makes me happy.  I’m glad to see my dongsaengs together again.  Is it boyfriends, now?”

            “Ew,” Changjo said automatically.

            “Ignore that,” L told Suho.  “Not tonight, but soon, I have to ask him nicely.”

            Suho nodded.  “It’s the hyung’s job to ask.”

            “Are you kidding?” Chen demanded from the kitchen.

            “Chen-ah!” Suho called.

            “Sorry,” Chen called back.

            “Stop listening!”

            “I’m sorry!”

            Suho shook his head.

            “Why, is he okay?” L asked.

            “He’s jealous, he’s on the hunt for a boyfriend and now we got there first,” Changjo said.  “He should be nicer and be happy for us,” he added, since he knew that Chen was still listening.

            “I don’t think it’s a big surprise that it would be easy for L to find a boyfriend,” Suho said.

            Changjo dug his toes against Suho’s thigh.

            Laughing, Suho smacked the top of his foot.  “Ya, L likes to pay attention to one thing at a time.  Your attention goes everywhere.”

            “I would be a great boyfriend,” he insisted.  “Watch me, I’ll be the best.”

            “You didn’t tell me how sensitive his nipples are,” L said.

            Suho burst into laughter.

            “What?” L asked, laughing with him.  “You didn’t!”

            “I told you - - ya, I can’t talk about this here,” Suho said, blushing.  “We’ll talk about it later.”

            They talked about other things.  Changjo enjoyed every second of it.  He’d been through so much over L lately, he’d thought that they’d never sit together like this again, and he’d missed it a lot.  It had been one of the most upsetting things, that L had taken this away from him.  But it was as good as it always had been.  Even better.  Suho scolded them one minute and acted ridiculously cute the next minute, and Changjo teased them both, and L laughed like everything was hilarious and then got quiet for a while and chewed on Changjo’s sweater.

            After Suho yawned too many times, L asked, “Should we go so you can sleep?”

            “Whose turn is it tonight?” Changjo asked, trying to remember.

            Suho blushed.  “No one’s, I think.”  He licked his lips, his gaze darting back toward the rest of the dorm.  “Your leader might have tired everyone out for now.”

            “Then I should stay,” Changjo said.

            “I’ll stay,” L said.

            Suho laughed.  “You aren’t too tired, too?”

            “From what?” Changjo asked.  “We only got off once.”

            Suho looked surprised.  “You were there for a long time.  Ah,” he blushed, “it’s not my business.”

            “L hyung likes to make out a lot,” Changjo said.

            “Ah.”  Suho nodded.

            L pinched Changjo.  “Ya, you like it, too.”

            He rubbed his nose, playing coy.  “Maybe I won’t answer that.”

            L laughed at him.  Suho said, “C.A.P.’s waiting for you, and he might not know that you’re ready to go.  Go and tell him.”

            “Me?” Changjo asked.

            “Ya, go,” Suho said, pushing his legs down.

            “I think that you should do it, hyung,” he said, resisting as Suho tried to prod him off of the couch.  “It’s not my place to rush my leader.  You’re his hyung, isn’t it your responsibility?”
            “I’ll do it,” L said.

            “No!”  He didn’t need L watching C.A.P. screw somebody.  It might conjure too many good memories.  “I’ll talk to him, he’s my hyung, I should do it.”

            “Oh, suddenly,” L said, laughing.

            “Don’t start anything,” Suho warned as Changjo got up.  “No touching my members.  Just talk to C.A.P. and come out.”

            No touching, even?  Ugh.  At least he could look.  He went back to the bedrooms.  Being nosy, he poked around.  D.O. was asleep in bed.  The entire rest of the group was in Xiumin’s room.  Chanyeol and Lay were passed out in Lay’s bed.  Chen and Kai sat on top of them, munching on snacks.  Xiumin was giving it to Baekhyun on the floor.  C.A.P. was pounding the hell out of Sehun on Xiumin’s bed.  Sehun was on his back, hips pulled up, hands overhead gripping the edge of the mattress while he groaned, his eyes screwed up, his mouth open.  He looked long and handsome and totally into it, taking the hammering like he’d been waiting for someone to give it to him right.

            Kai nodded at Changjo.  Chen smiled and held out a piece of chicken.

            Leaning in, Changjo let Chen feed it to him.  On the floor, on all fours, Baekhyun was masturbating.  Xiumin grinned at Changjo and asked, “Want to tag in?”

            “Wish I could.”

            “Your loss.”  Xiumin smacked Baekhyun’s ass, hard, then thrust in a few more times, crying out softly and coming in him.  Groaning, cursing, Baekhyun came, shivering all over.  While Baekhyun moaned and collapsed limply, Xiumin rubbed his back and looked up at Changjo again.  “Seriously, L sunbae, how is he?  One to ten.”

            “Hyung, we shouldn’t rank people,” Kai said.

            Xiumin rolled his eyes.  “Okay, how is he, Chanyeol to Chen.”

            “That’s still ranking,” Kai said, laughing.

            “That’s worst to best, right?” Chen asked.  “I’m best?”

            “When it comes to bottoming, there’s nobody but you, hyung,” Kai said, patting his back.

            “Hey,” Baekhyun objected.  “I’m, like, right here.”

            “Does D.O. hyung know you say things like that?” Changjo asked.

            “D.O. hyung knows everything about me,” Kai said.

            “Ungh, fuck,” Sehun groaned, like he really needed it.

            “Over,” C.A.P. said, pulling out of him.  He squirmed, flipping over, and then he arched his long back and spread his legs like he was Chunji or something, god, like he lived for this.  C.A.P. put a hand on his side and he rolled his hips backward, moving right onto C.A.P.’s erection and then groaning, making this deep, rapturous sound like nothing had ever felt so good.  Grinning, C.A.P. went right into action, nailing his sexy, pert ass.

            This was either a fantastic maknae’s con job, or Sehun was a hardcore anal slut.  Changjo would have given anything to record this and show it to L.Joe.  “C.A.P. hyung.  I think that Suho hyung wants us to go so his members can get some sleep.”

            C.A.P. grunted, picking up the pace.  Sehun groaned, shimmying like C.A.P. was hitting it just right.  And then Baekhyun stared at something behind Changjo and said, “Oh, shit,” and grabbed at a random shirt on the floor, covering himself.  Xiumin grinned at whatever was behind Changjo, looking flirty, and shifted to show off his bare cock.  Kai choked on his food and bowed a little, and Chen smiled, looking interested.

            Changjo turned around.

            L glanced at C.A.P. and Sehun with about as much interest as if they’d been wallpaper, and put a hand on Changjo’s arm.  “C’mere for a minute.”

            “Sure,” Changjo said, and didn’t move.

            “Not here,” L said, pulling on Changjo’s arm.

            “What?” Changjo asked.  “They don’t care.”

            “You can say anything in front of us,” Chen said.

            “Sure, we’re just hoobaes,” Xiumin said.

            L rolled his eyes and dragged Changjo out of the room.  Aw, that had been fun.  What did L want privacy for, anyway?  Oh, hey, “Blowjob?” Changjo asked, hopeful.

            L pushed him into Suho’s room and closed the door.  “No.”

            Aw, why not?  They were alone.

            “I have to go.”  L was already hugging him, so he hugged back.  “I love you.  Don’t give up on me.”

            He felt so bad for L, sometimes.  “I won’t,” he promised.  “L.Joe couple, fighting.”

            L laughed, pulling back, and he felt good about making L smile.  Framing his face with both hands, L planted a kiss on his lips, then did it again.  “Text me cute things.”

            He was forming sentences in his mind when he caught himself scheming.  He argued with himself for a second, then just went for it.  “You don’t mind seeing C.A.P. hyung with other guys?”

            “No.”

            “He’s, like, nailing hot guys in front of you.”

            L laughed.  “Why would I care about that?”

            The hell?  “You’re in love with him.”

            He shook his head.  “He doesn’t mean those things to me anymore.”

            He studied L’s expression.  “Say it again.”  He needed to be sure.

            L smiled a little and looked right into his eyes.  “He doesn’t mean those things to me anymore.”

            This time, the wording struck him as too specific.  “What does he mean?”

            L scrunched up his face and mussed up his hair.  “I don’t know.  It’s just not the same.  I don’t love him, I don’t hate him.  We used to be close, so it’s a little…  We could be friends, I guess, if he really needed me.  That’s good,” he said like he was trying to figure it out.  “If I’m going to see you a lot, it’s good if he and I get along.”

            “Are you going to stop loving me, too?”  As soon as he’d asked it, he wished that he hadn’t.  This was real life, not a fairytale.  Of course L was going to stop loving him, sometime.  “Never mind.”

            “You know how it feels?” L asked, taking his hand.  “It feels like I’ll never stop loving you at all.  It feels like I’ll never, ever get over you.”

            Aw, now he felt all warm and happy inside.  Glad that he’d asked, embarrassed, he squeezed L’s hand too hard.  “Good.”  Feeling shy, he rubbed his nose, looking at nothing over L’s shoulder.  “Me, too.”

            L laughed and kissed him, then gazed into his eyes like he was special and stroked his hair with both hands.  “Good,” L echoed.  “Good.”

            They walked to the door.  A few of the EXO members were moving around.  Suho broke off from ordering everyone to wash up and get in bed, and as Suho came over to say good-bye at the door, the EXO members shot L and Changjo envious, curious looks.  Changjo didn’t even pretend not to gloat.  Yeah, he had L, and they didn’t.  He had L, like, all over him.  Pushing up his sleeve, he sniffed his arm, wondering if he smelled like L.  He probably smelled like sweat or sex or something.

            “Are you smelling yourself?” L asked.  He shrugged, and L laughed at him.

            “I’m so glad that you’re close again,” Suho said.

            “I’m sorry that we made you worry,” L said.

            “No more fighting,” Suho ordered.

            “No more.”  L gave him a good hug and kissed his cheek.  “Thanks, hyung.”

            There was a crash in the kitchen.  “Shit!” Xiumin exclaimed.  “Whoa, whoa,” Kai said.

            Suho frowned.  “Members,” he said, starting off in that direction.

            “You should stay,” Changjo told L.  “He’ll like it.”

            “I wish I could,” L said.  His gaze slid past Changjo.

            Baekhyun came up, looking self-conscious, in a T-shirt and his underwear now.  “Hey, sunbae.  Um, I don’t want to, uh, it’s a little.”  He laughed and hugged himself.  “You didn’t see anything, did you?  When you came in the room?”

            L frowned a little, like Baekhyun wasn’t making very much sense.  “No, I don’t look at things like that.”

            “Oh.”  Looking relieved, Baekhyun blushed.  “Okay.  Sorry.  I.  Okay.  Good night,” he said, bowing.

            “Night,” L said with a vague smile.  Baekhyun smiled at Changjo and walked away.  Turning his back to the room, L grinned at Changjo and mouthed, “Saw everything.”



Series page: "Let's Love"



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Copyright September 13, 2015
by Matthew Haldeman-Time